Please… let me learn something from this

I terminated a friendship yesterday. Actually, it was more like I was terminated from the friendship, but I didn’t fight it like I had done in the past. It wasn’t pretty, and it certainly didn’t make me feel good, but in the light of day, I understand it was for the best for the both of us. At least for now.

I have been struggling lately trying to figure out why certain things bother me more than they bother other people. Or why I have trouble letting things go, and end up holding onto a lot of grudges. Right now I’m working on the fact that, although many things bother me, I never really say anything out loud (except to my husband). So I recently got it in my head that my feelings are just as important as everybody else’s. Seems harmless and logical, right? So if I feel uncomfortable about something, I should not ignore it and pretend that everything is OK. Well, I certainly chose a golden time/situation/place to practice this new belief, huh?

The friendship was already heavy with tons of baggage, product of both parties’ propensity to over analyze our own feelings. Unfortunately for us, intimacy cannot be forced. You can’t just be 100% raw and open with somebody and expect a friendship to bloom. I think that’s what happened here: too many intimate details weighing heavily on a weak foundation. She thought I was too self-centered (because I kept bringing up my feelings) and that I wasn’t listening to her, and I thought she didn’t want to hear what my feelings were about anything (so she was the one not listening). Well, what can I say, the floor just collapsed.

I just hope I learned something from this. I hope this helps me get one step closer to being myself and still have friendships that grow naturally and organically. Stop over-thinking everything. Stop rushing everything. Stop wanting to figure out every little feeling I feel. Stop holding onto things. Just let go and be happy. Smile more. Appreciate the friendships I DO have, and love my friends for making me smile and giving me great times. Stop the drama and just smell the roses every once in a while. Learn to listen. Learn it’s OK to just listen first, and talk later, without feeling fake. Don’t take my loving husband for granted. Sing more. Love life. Love others. Love myself. Be light. Be present. Be happy.

I got all I need to be happy. It’s time to start BEING it.

ina