I’m having issues. I’m getting so defensive about my birth plan that I even antagonize people who are supposedly on my side 🙁 My mother has shown nothing but support, but I know she’s holding back her own feelings. My midwife works at a hospital so she’s obviously biased right? My birth class instructor has one item on her agenda: to get me to choose a home birth. And my husband… well, he’s definitely of the same mind as I am… but I know he thinks I’m too defensive. I guess I don’t know what my problem is. I’m sad, defensive, and just plain unhappy. I am disappointed in my birthing class because it appears to be preparing couples who will have a home birth with this particular midwife, so she purposely will not cover any risk factors or mitigations. I hate that. How can I be my own advocate at the hospital if I am unaware of the risks, causes, consequences and alternatives? I’ll end up with a c-section for sure! That thought frightens me. I expected more out of $400 worth of classes.
But what to do in the meantime? Why can’t I be happy that I’ll be having a baby and I’ll be having someone to love and love me inconditionally? I’m starting to dread the delivery. I feel like it will be a battle, and not so much a team sport. I feel alone 🙁
I can’t even talk to my sister about it. She’s against this whole thing.
I wish I could free my mind. It’s being enslaved by all these negative thoughts. How can I break free?