I happened by this movie, Why Did I Get Married?, while there was nothing else on TV, but I thought the final message was pretty good, so I decided to share the knowledge.
I started watching about 30min into it, so I don’t know how it began, but the premise pretty much goes like this: a college reunion of 4 couples meets up in a cabin in Colorado. The couples’ issues suddenly become apparent, and secrets start lurking underneath appearances. Here’s a summary of the individual plots:
Warning: This review may contain some spoilers.
- Terry & Diane: Diane is a partner at a law firm and Terry is a Doctor. Diane has always put her career first, and this has put a strain on the marriage. She resents her husband for demanding so much of her time and insisting on having another child. She insists she’s not up to it, and holds back sex from Terry.
Underlying secrets: Terry had their daughter’s DNA tested for paternity matching without Diane’s knowledge. Diane tied her tubes after the birth of their daughter but never told Terry. - Gavin & Pat: Pat and Gavin appear to be the perfect couple. Pat is a Doctor who advises her friends on relationships. Gavin seems to be a good guy. Pat was driving the car when she got into an accident that killed their son. Apparently he wasn’t securely strapped to the baby seat. There isn’t much to go on them at first, other than the fact that they praise that love overcomes all.
Underlying secret: Gavin blames Pat for the death of their son. - Mike & Sheila: Mike drove up to the cabin with his mistress Trisha, while Sheila, his overweight and dispirited wife, drove up the next day all by herself.
Underlying secret: it’s not much of a secret, but Mike is sleeping with Trisha. Everyone knows it but Sheila. Sheila interacts with Trisha completely oblivious of what is going on. - Marcus & Angela: Angela is a firecracker. She will go off screaming and telling people off at any time. Marcus puts up with it because he loves her. He appears to be a bit of a pushover, but is embarrassed by her behavior.
Underlying secret: Marcus slept with the kids’ caretaker (I came in late, so I don’t know if she was the babysitter or the teacher), Keisha, who he believes gave him an STD. Angela doesn’t know they slept together. What Marcus doesn’t know is that Angela knows he has an STD because she slept with Keisha’s husband, and he gave it to her, so Angela gave it to Marcus. Angela has been waiting for Marcus to bring it up to come clean, but he’s keeping sleeping with Keisha a secret, which he’s assuming that’s how he got the STD.
At one point at dinner up in the cabin, Angela got so upset at Mike’s obvious flaunting of his affair with Trisha, that she blew up and told Sheila right then and there that they were sleeping together. Then Mike proceeded to air everybody else’s dirty laundry as retaliation. This resulted in almost-broken-up marriages, although Sheila and Mike did get a divorce. Sheila ended up finding a new man who loved her for who she was, taught her that she should not put herself down, and helped her get in shape by working out together. Diane finally realized she was being selfish because she did not understand the importance of putting as much time and effort into the marriage as she did into her career. They worked it out after Terry moved out to make a point. Pat and Gavin also worked it out, mostly due to Gavin’s insistence in talking about their son, which surprisingly resulted in Pat admitting she felt guilty, too. They vowed to get through it together. As for Mike and Trisha, Mike realized that Trisha was a second-class citizen who didn’t cook, clean, take out the trash, and just didn’t challenge him enough.
I was tempted to change the channel at several points in the movie. The chauvinistic talk among the men, especially in the beginning, completely turned me off, in fact, it angered me. I hate it when men talk about women like objects. At one point, the asshole of the movie, Mike, said that “it was a law” that if your wife isn’t giving you any, you are allowed to sleep around. The conversations among the men were quite fascinatingly shallow, but the voice of reason was never strong enough to overshadow the idiotic discussions these men would have. I didn’t change the channel because there was nothing else on TV, so I kept watching.
The women’s side was more interesting. I like movies where women talk to one another. Maybe it’s because I’m so embarrassed of my own problems that I am afraid of talking to my woman friends about them, so I watch other women talking to each other and I get advice through the screen. Another problem with revealing my problems is that (1) people don’t care about your problems, that’s why they are called YOUR problems, and (2) when problems pass, perceptions persist. For example, if I had an issue with my husband or my mother or my sister, and I talked to a friend about it, they might get an ill opinion of them or of me. Since they are not in the situation, it’s hard for them to understand the final resolution. The damage is already done, and it’s hard to undo perceptions. I can’t live with that.
One thing that I took away from the movie, and I do live in real life, is that love does conquer all. My husband and I have had our share of problems. We don’t talk about our problems out loud to third parties, but guess what: we have them. Just like everybody else. The good news is that we both understand that there is no place else we would rather be than with each other. We both understand how important communication is, and we have discussed things that are so delicate that we don’t know how other couples do it. You need a very deep level of intimacy to be vulnerable and discuss your greatest fears and your greatest insecurities with someone and not fear judgment. This is not easy, and I can’t say we have mastered it. The most important thing is that we both know how important it is to reach that point, and we try. Chances are our problems will always be there. It’s all about how we handle them.
In the end, they all work it out, and Sheila loses weight with her new man, and she’s so happy she can’t stand it. It all worked out not because Diane quit work, or because Pat kept ignoring the issues, but because they all realized they would rather be with one another, than not at all. And for that to happen, they had to work things out. Vulnerability was key to making this happen. They had to stand down from their high towers and see each other eye-to-eye. THAT is real-life advice.
A lot of relationships that appear to be doomed might actually have a chance. One book that describes these couple interactions and when solutions are possible is The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work. It’s actually quite fascinating: they can tell which couples will make it and which won’t by the way they fight. If fights are based on insults and lack of trust, the foundations of the relationship are quite rocky (not doomed, but just rocky); but if fights focus on disagreements on ideologies “you have to take out the trash the night before, otherwise you’ll forget in the morning” and the couple makes an effort to bring the fight to a close by compromising (“I can never remember, it would help if you reminded me”) or by offering a comic relief “Maybe our 1-year old could do it, it’s time he pulled his weight around here”, then the marriage is and will be alright. It’s not the lack of fighting that makes a marriage healthy, it’s what’s beneath the fight: the actual feelings being felt and how they are handled by the couple. Anyways, it’s quite a good advice book for married couples or long-term relationships out there.
In conclusion: Marriage is HARD WORK, but, with the right partner, it can be the most rewarding and intimate relationship of your life.
Click here to read the New York Times review of this movie.
ina