You know those movies where someone is so jealous of someone else (their life, their boyfriend/husband, their house, their car) that they can’t seem to get a good life going for themselves? Think Whitney Houston‘s sister on The Bodyguard (1992), or Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls (2004), or Glen Close in Fatal Attraction (1987). You want to tell them “snap out of it! Get your own life! Don’t you know that what makes their lives so appealing is that they have YOUR attention without even trying? That’s what you really want, isn’t it? Everybody else’s attention and envy.”
Ok, maybe you haven’t given it much thought yourself, but I have. I have been on both sides: I have been sickly jealous of someone else’s small town celebrity, and I have felt the piercing eyes of the envious on the back of my neck.
The first position, envying someone, is a consuming one. All you think about is “them” and how great their life is. You stalk them on Facebook, you comment on their status or pictures just so that their fame rubs off on you a little bit. You think about them every day and wonder what it is that “they” have that you don’t. Why don’t people like you the way they like them? You second guess your whole lifestyle: maybe I should have done this or done that in my life. You can’t seem to carry a normal conversation with these people: you always jump in the defensive and find yourself explaining your life choices, while they’re probably thinking “I just wanted to tell you I had a date… how did this conversation become about you and your own problems?” It’s hard being friends with someone you envy: you don’t genuinely have their best interests at heart (which is kind of a requirement of friendships, isn’t it?).
The second position is just as uncomfortable. You are purely and genuinely happy in your own life, with your own significant other, house, cars, careers, and you don’t give a second thought to “what might have beens.” You feel lucky and happy. But you are aware that there are those who wished their lives had turned out a little differently, and you remind them of those things they could have had if they had been dealt different cards. There are others who may simply have a strong opinion on how you decided to live your life, and you are aware that they would have never picked your husband, your house, or your age to start a family. You know who they are, and you are apprehensive about sharing little victories/news with them. Again, it’s hard to maintain such a friendship.
This topic came to mind lately when someone flat out said to me that they hated hearing that their friends were getting married, buying houses or having babies. I knew that was the case… but hearing it said out loud made it all the more disturbing. Are we really friends? Or is this just a ruse fueled by a common history when, at one point, we did care about each other?
Taking part in those destructive downward friendship spirals has made me appreciate my true friendships. I have fostered great relationships with people whose company I enjoy. People I laugh with, share news with, and whose opinions are always out in the open. I call them friends. I don’t feel the need to walk on egg shells around them because I know they are secure and happy in their own lives, and anything I say will purely be a reflection of myself, and not them. They tell me things that I don’t want to hear sometimes, but their candor is so much appreciated, that I feel free to express myself with the same honesty without fear of judgment. For instance, one of these friends was actually averse to me having kids at this point because he feared for my career prospects at my new job, and he said it out loud and without reservation. I knew how he felt, and yet he said he was happy for me when I got pregnant. Was he being fake? No, because he has never hidden how he felt about it, and because I know he does genuinely care about me. That’s a friend: truth, trust, no judgment, and fun.
Here’s to people who make us laugh.
ina
Photo credit: http://www.womensselfesteem.com/jealousy.html
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