Finding balance

It shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone to hear that I have had a pretty rough couple of weeks. I changed careers in my mind 3 times, and slowly swirled into a depression that reached rock bottom yesterday. Now, I don’t want you to worry about me, depression happens some times, and it’s the way my brain likes to “reset” itself. I always come out of it. What’s interesting to see is what idea I got in my head this time to snap out of it.

Last night I had two very meaningful conversations. One with a good friend, whom I call Alicia Keys on this blog, and one with my husband, Brian. Alicia was extremely supportive and lent me a good ear when I needed it most. I explained to her that it has been really hard for me to find the right balance in my life. When I’m too busy and unhappy I tend to keep my calendar clear. Since I have been feeling that way for a few months, I have pretty much alienated my own friends and stopped making plans, all for the sake of keeping a free schedule. And when the day comes when I have absolutely nothing to do, like yesterday, I crash into loneliness and hopelessness. Some people may find it relaxing to have nothing to do, but I find it more rewarding to plan my time and spend time with friends… that’s one thing I finally learned about myself yesterday.

Then there was the conversation with Brian. I told him I was scared shitless of wasting my time. Of just “finding things to do to pass the time” <– what a useless life I'd lead that way. He thinks I should stop thinking of a grand goal, and just start doing things I enjoy doing. Stop trying to think of something to do that will become my calling in life, and just start enjoying the little things. He suggested a bunch of things to do, like teaching Spanish to adults, or volunteering at the TV station, or learning to play an instrument. That conversation, combined with the one I had with Alicia's, was instrumental in getting me out of the dog house.

This morning I woke up at 9am, and went to the gym. I took a power yoga class from 9:45 to 11am. Then went to a family picnic for father's day, and came home eager to PLAN my week.

I also went on eBay and bid on a 49-key basic (children's) keyboard just 10 min before the auction was over. Plus shipping, it cost $25 in total. Now that I have an instrument to practice at home, I went ahead and signed up for piano classes at an academy nearby. Wouldn't that be fun? That's the point: it's FUN. No goal, no grander plan, just do something that I would look forward to every week. Wouldn't that be a nice change?

So that's the latest update… no more free schedule — I have to find a balance between relaxation, socializing, fun and work… and I can't do it while avoiding the world.

My head really goes a million miles a minute, doesn't it? Trust me, it's harder to live it than to read about it. It's crazy in here.

ina