I cleaned out my desk this morning. Don’t worry, I’m not leaving YET. It’s just that I’ve been staring at all the papers that accumulated in my drawers and on the desk over the years, and I just had to shred, throw out and sort. It had to be done. Why now? Oh, I don’t know… because I’m GOING NUTS waiting for an offer so I can finally LEAVE?! Yeah, that sounds about right.
I wish I could say that considering outside prospects has made me appreciate my company all the more, but I can’t. In fact, it’s made me feel like anything I do will not really matter in the end. Anything I learn will be for naught. And anything I haven’t started yet will probably stay unstarted until someone else takes over.
The problem with that mindset is the stupid fact that I have been on this interviewing process since June, and it’s almost October and I haven’t been able to give my notice yet. For all I know, I might still be here, in the same spot, a year from now. That’s more true than you can imagine.
That’s pretty much why nobody at work knows that I’m leaving: because I can’t even guarantee myself that I will be leaving at all. Case in point, the job I applied to two years ago in Cambridge. I was a shoe-in: one of my old bosses, who had left the company, called me on my cellphone and asked me to go work for him. I went through several interviews, and finally decided to not pursue it any longer. The reason: my company was paying for my MBA, and it would have been stupid to leave for a company that would only compensate about 20% of the cost per year. If I had told my boss back then that I was considering leaving, I would have been in the most awkward position for the rest of my time in that team. So, the rule is: unless you have ACCEPTED an offer somewhere else, and you have a start date, and it is 2 weeks before the time you have to leave, you say NOTHING at work. You just never know what’s around the corner.
I’m just so checked out. If I have to say No to the hospital job, that means I’ll be staying in my current job until December, since the company job doesn’t start until January. The wait is excruciating!
In the meantime, I guess I’ll just keep talking about the budgeting plans for 2011 as if I were going to be here to see them through.
Nothing like a half-ass stroll through a work day. So sad.
abi