I’ve been feeling a little blah with my life activities lately (or lack thereof). I’ve been taking care of low priorities at work while high priorities bore me to death. The worst part is that I’m starting to feel like working is just not worth the effort (now there’s something independent modern women love to hear other women say). The thoughts that cross my mind are that I wish I could just stay at home for a while so I can think of ways to make money that are more fulfilling than my current job. But then I remember one small detail: in order to succeed at one thing, you have to go all in. You can’t just go in half-assed and just hope it all works out. It takes a lot of time away from family, and a lot of man power to make anything work. I’m not ready for that kind of commitment (clearly). Also, one should never just work for the money… crap. There goes that motivation.

I think of doing a lot of things to make money: start some kind of low-overhead online business, write a novel, organize people’s junk, sell stuff online, etc. But I am not passionate about any of those things. I guess I’m just tired and I don’t want to do anything.

At the same time, I recall a piece of advice I gave my sister Monica Geller: we never stop wanting something different (i.e. grass is always greener). So what’s really the point of it all? It can’t be to find that “one thing” that you will love forever… technically, if I’ve been obsessed with hospitals and the medical profession for years, then I AM at my perfect job: great company, local company, full access to medical staff and procedures. I mean, I am in heaven! So maybe sometimes we have to consider the possibility that this is as good as it gets and we are just nit picking because it’s simply our nature.

Really, think about it: if I quit my job to become a…

… full time writer, I would be in one of the loneliest professions in the planet, and I’ll probably fall into a depression or find a job within the first 3 months.
… closet organizer, I’d get sick of people and their stupidness so fast that I’ll want to quit within 2 weeks.
… full time online business owner, it would take up so much of my time (even nights and weekends!) that I’d just suffer through life and end up finding a full time job somewhere.
… job hunting advisor, I’d feel so dissatisfied by the fact that everybody is moving on with their lives but me, that I’d take my own job hunting advice to find myself a new job.

As you can see, there is no one-path I’d like to follow for the rest of my life. If I had it my way, I’d opt for having multiple careers in my lifetime. But then I’d never become an expert or earn in the 6 figures at any one of them.

I don’t think I’m alone in this. Case in point, check out this podcast of Marc Maron interviewing Ray Romano, and how he decided to make the show Men of a Certain Age not for the money, but because his riches and fame were NOT ENOUGH to fulfill him in life! So what IS the point of it allll???

I guess you just can’t win in the game of life by choosing your perfect career correctly in your 20s and doing it forever, or to get rich. The only way to win appears to be to enjoy the ride and never look back.

So… how do you get in this “live in the moment” mindset?

ina

Photo Credit: IMDB: Men of a Certain Age
Frozen lake: inacove, author & photographer

Today is one of those days when I am just discouraged from working. I peaked in productivity at 9:30am and then I had to open my gorgeous notebook and just focus on writing lists of things to do.

Maybe it’s just that I don’t feel challenged enough, or maybe the fact that there is so much going on in my life outside of my job, but I just don’t want to be here.

So what would a week of no job look like?

I would have woken up at 8am, taken a shower and had breakfast while watching Frasier.
Assuming the house was clean, maybe I would have… gone… to…. The grocery store to get things for dinner?
Then at about 10am I would have been calling my husband to ask him whether he was coming home soon. Then I’d probably spend the rest of the day lying on the couch doing nothing.

Wow, even my dream life is boring! I guess I better stick to working. Sigh… Here we go.

abi

I have been working at the hospital for 4 months, and I still believe it was the best move I could have made in my life. I still love my boss, love coming here to work, and love being around medicine all day long. But if I only had rosey things to say, this post would get old veeeery fast 🙂 So let’s jump to the dirt:

The level of inefficiency (especially in the area of Information Technology) is UNBELIEVABLE!!! There is no strategy, only fire fighting. I’m glad to be working on the business side where we get to complain about IT, and that I’m not working in the IT organization where the leaders were default promotions that did not necessarily happen out of merit, but out of seniority and longevity. I work with women who have been in their jobs as IT leaders for 18 years and they have become extremely counterproductive at what they do. It is my firm belief that the number of years you stay at the exact same job are directly proportional to your level of ineptitude. I see this theory proven time and time again. There is no drive, there is no goal, there is only “do what we feel like until someone screams.” Well, I’m about to scream!

I can stand here on my corporate soap-box and point out all the things that are wrong with this place, but, to be honest, I have found a certain bliss in the fact that I’m the “new one” here and I’m really not expected to bring much to the table. I get to sit back and learn. The expectations of me are so incredibly low for the first year, that I seem to wow every single person I meet. I guess they’d never seen someone who is focused on actually getting something done throughout the day. I’m actually so productive with what I have to do, that I still find time to blog, take 1 hour lunches, and play Sudoku during the work day… and I’m STILL productive. I don’t feel the urge to stand out and prove myself, because I see myself being here for a very long time, and I’ll have plenty of chances to prove what I can do. It’s quite nice to take a slower pace to my career, as opposed to trying to press my face against leaders’ faces to get them to notice me.

One big work-quality difference between my last job and this one is that I used to be so tied up in useless meetings that I never had a free time to actually get work done. Now, I have all the time in the world, but I don’t feel like I’m getting much done unless I’m having a meeting with someone. It’s quite interesting.

Anyways, I wanted to check in and tell you that I’m having a good time learning new things, and I’m having a GREAT time nit-picking on all the things that are wrong with this IT organization 🙂 Sometimes I think I could do the job of the CIO a lot better than he could and feel tempted to apply for that job. Then I remember I’m a pompous ass who should sit back and learn a thing or two about the business before wanting to take it over after just 4 months.

So I sit back, relax, and let the praise come to me for the great job I’m doing 🙂

abi

I have a shameful confession to make… but first, let me give you some background:

In my old company, I was on a “leadership track.” That meant that my career had a logical progression to move away from technical skill development, and more towards management and leadership of visible initiatives. I always enjoyed getting into the nitty gritty of my job, but I always felt guilty about it. I should have had my eyes on bigger roles and projects that were reported to the CIO on on a regular basis. It was a lot of pressure that I never felt I was quite measuring up to.

In my new job, I have had to start learning from scratch. I have had to put my hands up in the air and admit that I just don’t know anything. I have had to stop and listen before I spoke. I have had to try to understand the dynamics around me and figure out what people think of each other and how to use new relationships to my advantage. It has been definitely a steep learning curve, and everybody else knows it. I can tell they think of me as the ‘newbie who doesn’t know anything’, and many think I just graduated college in May (ahem, it has been 7 years since that joyful day).

So, when I got an assignment by random chance (an intern left), I started to show my true colors, and everybody was floored. They were grateful to have someone around who had the technical skills and the communications experience to help them with that difficult project. I felt really good about myself.

Since then, and here is where the confession comes in, I have been actually enjoying burying my head in Excel spreadsheets and programming macros for entire days. I smile more. I laugh more. I tell people that I love working with them, and that I appreciate the opportunity. I have been glowing like I have never before.

Is it bad that I am enjoying being an Excel-macro-emails minion? Is it bad that I am enjoying doing data audits, creating presentations, and just being an SOM? (SOM = Subject Matter Expert). I literally can’t stop beaming and I am so excited to be around people who appreciate what I bring to the table, and who feel like their projects are running better than they would have if I had not been around.

Is it bad to enjoy the lack of responsibility this much?

abi

Photo Credit: http://www.cafepress.com/+pivot_table_your_data_excel_guru_mug,6030851

I don’t get the concept of office assistants.

We have one in my new office. She gets our mail, decorates the office, organizes office lunches, organizes charity drives, manages the managers’ Outlook calendars, and keeps track of our sick/vacation days. It is the most awkward relationship I have ever had with a coworker. Why? Because it’s like she does our trivial chores that we could totally be doing ourselves, but our hands are tied because it is her JOB to do these things and you have the pressure to stay on her good side so she doesn’t screw you over out of spite.

Let’s review:

• Get our mail: the mailroom is supposed to have an employee whose sole job is to deliver mail to offices. We each have a mailbox, and we should be able to just pick up our mail there. Awkward when: I don’t have a mailbox yet! Do I ask her for one even though I’ve gotten no mail yet? Also, she hand-delivers my commuter train pass by hand (as opposed to getting it in the mail at home); what if she didn’t come in that day? What if she forgets to give it to me? That’s what happened the first week with my paycheck before direct deposit kicked in: she forgot to get my check even after I had reminded her, so I didn’t get paid until the week after when I finally went to pick it up at the employee office myself.
• Decorate the office: in my last office Facilities was the team who decorated it. Nice to have, but do you really need to hire a person for this purpose?
• Organize office lunches: the director’s executive assistant usually does this, which in this case is the same person. Normally an exec admin is too busy to do the rest of the crap, but this is normally under their duties.
• Organize charity drives: Normally this responsibility is passed around among the team members so everyone contributes to a cause that is dear to them, or the diversity groups take care of the charitable work. Awkward when: you contribute and she manages to conveniently forget your name in the department email that says the list of people who donated, or when there are 3 donation drives in a single week and you are given the stare for only contributing to one. So much pressure!!!
• Manages the managers’ calendars: really? I understand managing the executive’s calendars (they are in high demand and their time requires more gatekeeping), but the managers’??? I can’t set up a meeting with my manager without her finding out about it first. She also manages the conference rooms, which is completely unnecessary since these are in Outlook and we could schedule them ourselves. Awkward when: I want to book a room and I have to go ask her to find one, and she gets side tracked and I keep having to remind her to book it.
• Keeping track of our sick/vacation days: why can’t we do this online like normal people? Do I really have to tell her every time I’m going to be out? Awkward when: all the time! It shouldn’t be any of her business if I am sick or take time off! That should be between my manager and me.
• One more: Location Location Location: they strategically sit as you walk into the office so you always have to say hi and be nice. But why are you being nice? Because you have to! You want this woman to give you your train pass every month and to give you stapler refills! It’s more awkward and forced a relationship than even the one you have with your boss!

I HATE THE PRESSURE TO BE NICE! Make it go away!!!!

abi

Photo Credit: http://www.clipartguide.com/_pages/0511-0810-2000-1425.html

The past month has been a mini roller coaster of emotions. Mini because there were no tears (like there usually are), but a roller coaster nonetheless.

I have gone through brief moments of desperation, followed by longer periods of utter joy, followed by weeknights of absolute boredom. I’ve hit every point, high and low, as I cope with the change of environment.

The pace of life is definitely slower on this side of the profit line. It’s exciting work, but I keep having to remind myself that just because I am moving slower it doesn’t mean that I’m not pulling my weight, and yesterday I got my confirmation.

Ever since a certain intern left, they’ve been giving me small side projects that fall within my main core competency: manipulating thousands of rows of data in Excel and sending mass bitchy emails (mail merges) telling users they are not compliant with whatever arbitrary policy we are choosing to enforce this month. Well, after cleaning up the mess the intern left behind, and redrafting the utterly incomprehensible emails, I got my system down and efficiency up and everybody noticed!

Apparently the champions of the initiative went over to my boss and said I was doing such a great job that they wanted me to switch teams. I know they were only joking, but they did tell me that they called me “super abi” in the other office. They love me!

It felt good to do something right… Especially since my job requires a lot of learning and not enough “accomplishing” right now. It’ll shift, but it’s great to have an outlet for my ambition in the meantime.

Way to go!

abi

Photo Credit: http://www.comicvine.com/forums/quests/3626/questing-for-beginners-clues-to-quests/573726/

It only took three weeks in the new job for me to start missing my old company. After sorting through some feelings, I believe I have narrowed down what it is that I suddenly felt a sense of loss about: my super powers.

In my last job I was a master at standardizing and digitizing processes because I was a self-taught superadvanced user of a particular workflow tool. The tool allowed you to create forms online and add routing complexity in the backend. I was so awesome at using these tools that people from other teams would often tap me on the shoulder to create workflows for them. That was my main superpower.

Now, at the hospital, I see exactly the same process issues as I solved in my last job… The difference being that I no longer have that workflow tool to fall back on. I almost pulled all my hair out at a meeting with my director last week because I couldn’t believe how easy it would be to solve some of their most simple problems by creating a form online. But no such tool is available here.

So… There you have it… Spiderman moves to a new city where there are no high rises to spiderweb-swing from. Aquaman moves to a land-locked state. Superman moves to an underground commune where flying doesn’t quite work to your advantage.

Well, I’ll just have to think outside the box now, won’t I? I’m still awesome at spreadsheets though 🙂

abi

As I pull back the curtain on the wizard of wonderful jobs and realized dreams, I expect the feeling of euphoria to die down little by little. You should expect to read more about these realizations in the coming months, as I adjust to this new environment.

I have to say that everybody has been very nice… which makes me feel like I’m on the Truman Show. I can sense that something is off, but can’t quite put my finger on it exactly, while everybody else is pretty much conspiring to only show their pleasant side. Is that jaded of me to think?

Luckily for me, my boss is nice but I actually like her, which means there is a strong possibility that she does genuinely like me back, in which case her niceness is justified. Everyone else… eh… I remain skeptical until the niceness turns authentic. Considering I am doing my best not to be my normal bitchy self (and boy is it hard!), this getting-to-know-you phase may last for a little while.

The good news is that a friend from my last job lives right down the street from the hospital and she works from home quite a bit, so we had lunch together today and we might do that more often! She will provide a very much needed sense of grounding and reality in this fake universe I’m temporarily submerged in. It’s the best of both worlds!!!!!!!!!!! Sweet!

Speaking of sweetness, today was “bring your favorite snack to work” day, so I’ve been pigging out on cookies all day long. It’s all so strange… People smiling all around you, feeding you cookies and chocolates. I feel like I’m being fattened up to be served with an apple in my mouth and mashed potatoes on the side.

So that’s my update for the day… Not very juicy, I know… I’m sure I’ll be inspired to talk more as more things happen.

abi

Two weeks in… Still trying to take it all in. There is so much that I don’t know, that I can’t state many absolute truths yet. In other words, there are some things I can say, and there are some things I can’t say… allow me to illustrate:

I can say that…

– I love my job
– I am happy
– I am comfortable with the idea of working here for many years to come
– I love not having a laptop (I get a desktop)
– I like being in a room with so many women who are around my age (so much potential for new friendships!)
– I love working with doctors
– I love my boss
– I’m loving the chocolate culture on this floor. Someone just stopped me in the hallway and just gave me a Kit Kat. I am DEAD serious. They even have a chocolate closet, where people bring random candy to share.
– I am not afraid of going to bed early. I used to drag the night on and on so that tomorrow would never come.
– I want to have my boss’s job eventually. I admire her and want to be like her.
– I love being able to give blood, and help hospital research studies (for money). That’ll be my bonus system 🙂

I can’t say that…

– I can’t wait for it to be Monday or to get up in the morning.
– Everyone in my office liked me right away, nor can I say that I love everybody.
– I am 100% comfortable with everyone in my office. I hate getting-to-know-you pains.
– I know exactly what is expected of me yet
– That I know what I’m doing
– I know what my lunch situation will be going forward. So far I’ve had lunch at my desk alone, but Fridays more people are interested in eating together. Except for today, when only one person wants to have lunch with me.

So there you have it. I got a whole bag of mixed feelings, but I think the consensus is that this job is a great fit for me. Let’s see how long the euphoria lasts.

abi

I made the right choice, and it feels fucking great.

Working at a hospital has its perks: cheap gym membership, an awesome health-foods color-coding process at the cafeteria, a blood bank to donate to nearby, first hand emails from research studies looking for subjects (who get paid for participating), and friendly staff. Not to mention the presence of doctors everywhere you look, and that comforting smell of super-antibacterial soap when you wash your hands (every 5 minutes).

Everything about this place reminds me of why I used to volunteer at hospitals in the first place. So it doesn’t even feel like work. It feels like I’m volunteering every day!

This morning I will be going to donate blood. I had never donated before for a few reasons: weight minimum not met, recent international travel, or that freak blood disorder that struck only once while I was in college never to reappear. Well, I took all my questions to a VERY NICE girl at the blood donation center who answered every single one of them quickly and definitively. It appears as though I have been cleared for take-off 🙂 It also helps that they have all these incentives to donate, like raffles to trips or T-shirts. Today’s theme is halloween 🙂

Anyways, about the job itself: turns out that I don’t actually work in the IT department! I have finally branched out of that place and moved onto the business side of things. It feels AWESOME but scary at the same time. Yesterday I had a meeting with the IT department and I could recognize everything about it: the cubicle farm, the way people talked, everything! And I finally got it: I am not in that hell hole any more and I do NOT want to go back!

My boss is sweet, my coworkers are sweet, all the stuff I need to learn is sweet, and I am just one tired but happy camper 🙂

Let’s see how long it lasts……. Gulp.

abi

So you might be wondering what I have been up to this week off. Did I tear myself apart in despair and depression over leaving my last company? Did I immerse myself in Health Care reading to be prepared for my new hospital job? Did I devote my time to working out and eating well to kick off this new era in my life?

Well, No, No and Sorta. I spent the entire week interviewing contractors to do work in my basement, clearing out the basement area to get it all ready to start work, and set up a garage sale to get rid of all the crap we don’t want anymore.

So, no, I haven’t had time to read up on Health Care or to exercise (much), but I sure as heck didn’t get all weepy about losing my last job! Don’t know about you, but that was a big surprise to me. I was expecting to crash and suffer from time-waste paralysis this whole week. But I didn’t! I was SO productive it’s not even funny!

So, I’ve had the BEST week ever, and I’m fully energized to start my new job on Monday.

One more thing… do you remember me talking about that video I made for the conference I didn’t get to attend? I sent an email to one of the organizers and I asked them how it had gone (there are so many things that tend to go wrong with those things, that I wanted to make sure they were all set and my memory lived on in a positive light). He replied saying everything had gone perfectly, and that everybody loved my video! Also, one of the leaders of the organization had some very nice things to say about me while he gave a speech to the attendees from my business. Apparently my name also came up in their national leaders meeting when they were talking about metrics tracking (which I implemented during my tenure in that team). Soooo, all in all, it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I sent a nice note to that leader thanking him for the kind words.

With a big smile, I bid you adieu for now, until I have something else to write about in my new job!!! Wish me luck!

abi

I went through my calendar and declined every single invite I had, and canceled every single meeting I had set up.

I could try to explain to you the joy it gives me to see my calendar as empty as a bar on Sunday morning… but you probably wouldn’t understand unless you have walked in my shoes.

Having said that, feel free to enjoy this to the best of your ability:

abi

Before I gave my 2 weeks notice I had agreed to be part of an organizing committee for an upcoming conference. Since Friday will be my last day, I will not be attending the event after all; however, I did decide to finish what I had agreed to take on: create a video to be shown at the event, which highlights the accomplishments of the organization’s chapters over the past year. It is 1:30am, and I just finished it tonight. I think it turned out pretty well. I tried hard not to include myself in the video, but I did make an appearance a couple of times. What can I say, I can’t pretend I didn’t contribute to the organization for the past year! I did make sure to not overdo it, though.

When one of the organizers found out that I was leaving, but finishing the video anyway, he emailed me saying that it said a lot about me the fact that I had decided to complete my task even though I was under no obligation to. To be honest, I was secretly hoping someone would notice (after all, the video is NOT a trivial amount of effort), and I was happy someone gave me a pat on the back about it. That was very nice of him to say.

The main take-away here is that even though you might be leaving a company, there’s a lot to be said for completing your commitments and departing through the front door with your chin held high knowing you did the best you could for the company. Some will thank you, some will not, some will give you the silent treatment (again… really?), but you should always be able to point at your departure and say you handled it with class and professionalism. I’m proud to affirm that I can say that about myself.

abi

It’s incredible how the people you thought would be most supportive about your career end up showing the least amount of class.

I’ll start by giving credit to those bosses, ex-bosses and co-workers who gave me a call and showed a genuine interest in where my career was going, and in keeping in touch. Those people are worth gold, and they have displayed an incredible amount of sensibility, sensitivity and authenticity.

And now, I’ll wag my finger at those certain people who have decided to just complain about my decision behind my back to others, or who have decided to give me the silent treatment. Seriously people? What grade are we in?

Even if you dislike someone, you should never EVER treat them with disrespect. You should always remember that this world takes a lot of trips around the Sun, and you never know whose help you’ll need later on, or who you might run into again. If you’re upset someone is leaving, you should probably just keep it to yourself, smile, and say Good Luck. It’s a script. Just follow it and you’ll be a-OK.

Can I also say that apparently it takes a REALLY big person to thank someone for their years and years of service? You’d be surprised how many people actually said the words Thank You. Definitely puts things into perspective, doesn’t it?

abi

I went to Barnes and Noble yesterday, and like a school girl on the first day of fall, I bought myself a blank and gorgeous journal to write in. Only, this is for work. This is the notebook where I will write all of my work notes, meeting notes, to do lists, etc.

I introduce you to my beautiful journal:

Peter Pauper Press Filigree Journal Buy here from Barnes & Noble

Gorgeous, isn’t it? I can’t wait to start using it! The best thing about it is the texture… you can’t feel that through your screen, so stop smudging on your monitor.

I also got an email from my new boss with a couple of documents for me to start reading up on, and a couple of links to become familiar with some of the lingo. Homework!!! I can’t wait!!! My little notebook is going to get a workout before start-date!

I’m on cloud #9 right now…

abi

The cat is out of the bag. I have told pretty much everybody that I’m leaving. We’ve already set up the goodbye lunch and the last after-work drinks Palooza 🙂

I’ve received a very nice and supportive response overall. The more senior people all want to talk to me about “what went wrong” and I’ve just told them that this opportunity is just one of those you just can’t pass up. They end up pretty happy for me in the end.

It helps A LOT to not have bad things to say about my job, my manager, my peers, or even about how much it stinks to work remotely and how unchallenged I have felt. None of that matters when you leave. If I were complaining I would create a really bad name for myself, and it would make others defensive and try to argue me into a counteroffer. It’s just not productive. This way is much better: “I love you all, but this is the right move for me right now.” People respond well to that. After all, chances are they are in the same rut as you are and hearing you talk about greener pastures will make them a little jealous.

abi

Feelings update
After much discussing it with my husband, we decided on a final version of the email I would send the HRM’s manager about the HRM’s performance during our interactions. We decided I would not mention anything about why I didn’t take the offer, or anything about me accepting blame for the “surprise factor” they experienced. I left all that stuff out. I simply put a nice email together praising the guy and saying it was a pleasure to work with him through the process.

Almost immediately after I sent it, I felt a huge sense of relief. I don’t know why exactly, but I felt I had done a good thing, and that there was really nothing I could do about how they felt about me rejecting the offer. After all, they knew I was “passively looking”… I never said I was “NOT looking.” Anyways, it’s all in the past, and they are either going to have to get over it, or they are going to have to get over it.

Back to being happy about the future!
Now, I have 3 weeks before my new job. I wanted to get all “into” it, so I went and bought myself a few interesting books to get myself “in the mood” 🙂

	Hospital: Man, Woman, Birth, Death, Infinity, Plus Red Tape, Bad Behavior, Money, God and Diversity on Steroids
	Landmark: The Inside Story of America’s New Health Care Law and What It Means for Us All
	How Doctors Think

So exciting! I can’t wait to get them and start reading up! I’m also excited about getting a pretty notebook to write all my notes in.

Yes, I love books, pretty notebooks, stationery, and pens. Barnes & Noble is my Mecca, and Staples is my Heaven.

abi

I quit my job. I should be happy, right? This is what I wanted. This is what I have been wanting for a while… then why am I not happy?

I’ll tell you why: The Corporation’s reaction to my accepting another offer was unprofessional and made me feel very guilty. The correct answer when someone decides to accept another offer is to say “We are sorry to see you go a different direction, but stay in touch, and we hope something may open up in the future” or something to that effect. Instead, I got “Why didn’t you tell us before? You told us you were passively looking” (yeah, 4 months ago!) “We talked earlier this week, why didn’t you inform me? We could have sped up the process for you if we had known.” Anyways, it wasn’t pretty.

I understand why they feel played. After all, I had been dealing with them since June, and we were both on the same page that this was it. However, when the new opportunity came along, and I realized it was less money, there was no need in my mind to try to pit both opportunities against one another. In fact, the only time that it even occurred to me to mention The Hospital offer to The Corporation was to try to get more money. Knowing that wasn’t going to make any sense, I discarded the idea. It never EVER occurred to me that it was any of their business whether I was interviewing anywhere else. I realize now that I should have handled the situation more tactfully. After all, they couldn’t MAKE me accept the offer: I still would have held my destiny in my own hands. So what was wrong with shooting an email saying I had another opportunity creeping up?

So, today, the day after I quit my job, I am feeling like crap. I woke up at 6:45am, and could not fall back asleep out of guilt. I feel guilty. I feel like I let them down. I feel like the HRM looks really bad now because he couldn’t hang onto me. I feel like they feel played. I feel like I cheated them. I feel like I burned that bridge… which is exactly what you DON’T want to do. Especially if your husband works there.

It does make me feel a tiny bit more relief the fact that my husband didn’t think of it either, so he doesn’t hold it against me. I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if he blamed me as much as the HR guy.

I can’t believe that I’m obsessing so much about this. I guess it’s because I pride myself in being a genuine, honest and open person, and now I’m being put on the spot for not being any of those things. I feel like crap.

If I had just let The Corporation know what was going on, a couple of weeks ago, maybe they would have gotten the offer done a lot sooner, but it still wouldn’t have affected the outcome. I didn’t choose because of speed or money. However, if they had sent me the offer the week BEFORE I got the new job description for the Hospital, then it would have been a different story. I wouldn’t have been comparing job descriptions, but “bird in hand” versus “a hundred in the bush.”

I’m beating myself up over this way too much. My husband suggested I sent a praise letter to the HR guy’s manager, to make sure they knew that the HRM did everything in his power and was wonderful every step of the way. Which he was, up until the ultimate guilt trip on our last call.

This should be a happy day. A day to celebrate. Instead I’m worried about that small small man’s feelings. I’m such an idiot.

As for how I feel about leaving My Company after 7 years… I have to say I did not expect to feel so sad about it. After my conversation with the VIP yesterday, I kept on crying the rest of the afternoon. It was like I was breaking up with a boyfriend, like I was moving away from home for the first time, like I was getting a divorce. You know, things you know you have to do, but they are bittersweet. I didn’t think I’d cry for it as much as I did. It’s a big change… I don’t know how I’m going to handle it once it sinks in.

abi

I thought that the day I decided to get a new job would be the purest most wonderful happiest day of my life. I thought I’d be jumping through hoops and climbing on trees and bouncing off the walls. Well, I’m bouncing off the walls, alright, but not with the joy I thought I would feel. I am having very mixed feelings about leaving the only employer I have ever known.

Last night I decided I would accept The Hospital job, despite the pay cut. My husband and I talked about it long and hard, and finally concluded that this opportunity was like no other I had ever had, and that, given my interest in the medical field, this might actually be a great fit for me. We just couldn’t get past that argument. We talked about money, and how this would affect us financially, and concluded that we are by no means breaking the bank by downgrading my income, and we will be just fine.

(I’ll stop to say that I have the best and most supportive husband in the world)

As our conversation progressed, and it started to become more and more obvious that we were going to pick The Hospital in the end, I started to progressively freak out. It’s funny, though, I’m not scared about the new job (to me it’s utterly exciting to start in a new place, with new people, and a completely new environment), what I am scared about is leaving my company after 7 full years of dedicating my (albeit half-ass) work to it.

Maybe I will post a blog about all the good times and things I learned while working here. I think it might deserve a Good Bye song. Maybe that will help me reach closure, somehow.

I’m so scared right now. Am I really leaving? Is this really happening?

It was hard to fall asleep last night. I stayed awake in bed for a while, continuing to repeat in my head “tomorrow might be the day I quit my job. Tomorrow might be the day I quit my job.” I was afraid I’d be up all night. When I woke up this morning I almost immediately remembered the events from the night before, and started to feel scared again. I usually don’t dress up for work on Fridays, but I did today. It just felt right.

I probably won’t announce that I am leaving until I get a start date. That’s when I can start counting back a 2-week notice period. If they want me to start soon, today still could be the day I quit… but it’s possible they have to get their paperwork together and it might take them more than a day. If that happens, then I won’t be quitting for another week, and that’s a lot of burden to carry around for a whole week at work!!!

Please wish me luck and tell me everything is going to be ok. I am following my bliss, that has got to count for something, right?

abi

Stand by…

I got a call from HR at The Hospital. They bumped their previous offer up $2K, which amounts to a total of minus $8K in annual salary and minus $8K for MBA tuition that they won’t help me pay for.

Despite the stupid second (and final, their words) offer, I can’t stop thinking about that job. Great people. Great job. Something different from what I do right now. No chance of working remotely. A brand new niche.

The funny thing is that I haven’t found anybody that agrees with me that I should take the job, if it means taking a pay cut. Everybody has said to forget about it and take The Corporation job. A job is a job, it will get frustrating, it will get dull, and I’ll be left holding the stupid job and the stupid salary forever.

Why am I the only one who romanticizes the situation? I should be able to get a pay cut if it means getting a job I find rewarding, interesting and challenging, right?

I’m so scared of making the wrong choice 🙁

abi

Let’s cut to the chase. The tips are:

1. Change the scenery
2. Listen to music while you work

Now let’s elaborate, while also allowing me the opportunity to talk about myself (win-win).

I had the most boring and unproductive day at work yesterday. I know this is normal, to have a day when you really didn’t pull your weight, and it is also ok to make it up on other days when you work your butt off and feel awesome for the rest of the week. I have high hopes this will be one of those days.

My first shock of the day was to see the visitors office light on, and see outside the name of a former boss of mine (who usually works 1000 miles away). My heart skipped a beat and I was suddenly out of breath. Let’s just say this was one of “those” managers you would not take a promotion from because it meant working under him for the next 18 months, at least (you know, hypothetically). He deserves his own entry, so you’ll have that to look forward to. Anyways, he wasn’t in the room. I ran to my desk and found out which conference room he was in and for how long. I proceeded to book a conference room for myself on a different floor, took my computer and bag, and fled. I did leave a note saying where I could be found, so they at least knew I was in the building.

So that’s tip #1: change the scenery! Find a place to park your heiny that will cut down distractions. It’s best if it has a whiteboard so you can doodle and make to-do lists.

Now that you’re in a new and friendly place, close the door behind you and blast music in your headphones. Sing if nobody can hear you! Why does music help? I have no idea… but have you seen the movie Awakenings with Robin Williams and Robert DeNiro? Remember the scene where certain music helped the catatonic patients move? It’s sort of like that 🙂

Alright, time to get this shit done!!!

abi

Hello readers,

A friend pointed out that s/he had stopped themselves from posting a comment on this blog because it would give away my identity. While that may be true, and I think it’s really sweet of them to care about that (as I do), I didn’t want to discourage you (my millions of readers) from posting your comments. I hope it makes you feel better that I do moderate the comments I get, so if anything is too “identity-revealing-like”, it probably won’t make it on the site, but I will still cherish it and probably even write a response on the blog itself. So, feel free to comment 🙂 use your own name, post anonymously, use a fake name, or you could even write a comment and ask me not to publish it right in the comment (so it’s for my eyes only). All are valid 🙂

Either way, thanks for reading 🙂

abi

PS: how to write a comment? use the “Leave a comment” link to the left of the post, right underneath the Date.

• I’m nervous about meeting The Hospital team this afternoon.
• I think I’m dressed appropriately, but I forgot my fancy shoes so I’ll have to wear the worn-out pair I keep in the office.
• I’m also not thrilled with my choice of pants. I’ll have to go out and buy a stylish thin belt to wrap over my shirt, that way I don’t have to tuck it in.
• I’m nervous that they will not accept my counter offer and I’ll be walking away empty handed.
• I am nervous that The Corporation hasn’t replied to my email and I keep thinking they changed their minds (it’s unlikely, even my mind knows that).
• I hate the smell of coffee in the morning. Damn you, train commuters.
• I have a meeting at 8:30am to review what I did with the newsletter. I think they’ll be impressed, but it’s not 100% done yet.
• I’m wondering what to do about the 2 hours I have to take off for The Hospital interview. Should I take it as vacation time? Probably. If anything, they won’t be able to claim I interviewed during company time.
• I’m tired. I feel a bit off today.
• Just noticed that the coffee smell is coming from the cup that the guy sitting next to me has. Foo!
  
• I think I poked my ear drum with a q-tip by accident this morning. My hand twitched or something… quite strange. I can still hear, though, and there’s no bleeding that I can tell. It was also my bad ear.
• I watched a little more Gosford Park this morning. I thought it was going to be some boring love flick, until Mr. Boddy died (Clue reference). Then it started to get interesting. I can’t even guess who did it at this point, because surprises just keep adding more information to the mix.
• I miss playing Clue. We used to get together in a dorm room and play it in college all the time (yes, that’s what I was doing while others were out drinking at the frats).
• Coffee guy is writing a program on his laptop. Maybe that’s a sign that I should take The Corporation job?… ha, yeah, and I have a wound on my knee from falling off my bike, maybe that’s a sign I should pick The Hospital 🙂 it’s funny how you can make anything be a sign.
• If all goes well this week, I might opt for not taking that trip with my company in October. Cross my fingers.
• I hope they like me today, and I hope they are a good bunch to work with and have fun with.

Thanks for reading this far… Wish me luck!

abi

Some time in May my husband suggested I had an informational interview at his company (hereinafter called “The Corporation”). I met with one of the members of the company’s Installations team, and I was invigorated by how much this person loved her job. She used to work at my company, and she likes The Corporation’s environment a billion times better. She suggested I speak with her boss, so I did. He also had defected from my company, and could not say enough good things about the working environment at The Corporation. I was impressed.

On June 11th I submitted my resume and cover letter to the HR department.

After just a few days I was provided the link to the first of three “admissions” tests. The first test was a personality assessment. There was no right or wrong answer, they just wanted to see where I fit in terms of personality traits and what makes me “tick.” The second test was a technical assessment: it asked increasingly harder questions about a programming language that nobody was likely to know or have used in the past. This test meant to assess my ability to learn new technologies quickly. After I passed (with flying colors, if I may add), I earned the right to take the the third test. This last one was a logical/analytical test: it had questions like the ones you would find in an SAT, mixed in with logic questions. This test meant to assess your ability to take in information and make decisions quickly.

I took the tests on a Monday, Wednesday and Friday, respectively. After passing Friday’s test, I earned the chance at an interview with the Vice President of Customer Product Support and Product Installation Management. Although I felt the Installations job was best fit as a next step in my career, the VP insisted that he wanted only veterans in that team. Not having had any programming experience in the health care field, I did not fit the profile of desirable candidates. However, his Customer Product Support team might be a good fit. I decided to charge ahead and continue interviewing.

By the end of July I had met with the VP of Support and 3 current employees of that team. All I needed now was an offer.

By August, things had changed. The first VP asked me to interview with the VP of International Product Support. They were impressed with my test results (which they weighed most of their decisions on – note: this is probably the least reliable way to assess future success any company could EVER use to evaluate a candidate), and they felt they could use my skills (and my Spanish) in their international division. I thought it was interesting and continued to interview.

After talking to both the VP and COO of the International Product division, they decided to make me a verbal offer (September 3rd). I would start out with the Installations team (the team I was deemed unqualified for, but that I wanted in the first place), and after some time, when I have demonstrated expertise in the technology, I would be moved to a position of more leadership in charge of a global team that would assist the international branches located in South America, Europe and Australia. I would start in January.

The offer was nowhere near what I expected to make right out of MBA school, but they said that was they best they could do and they would send the offer to get signed and approved by the CEO before presenting it to me formally. The last time I heard from them was September 9th, when I had a call with the HR manager to discuss benefits.

So, at four months into the process, now knowing I would not be getting the pay I deserved, and that I would be starting in January (instead of right away), I must say I was a bit crestfallen. So, when a friend from the hospital job suggested I applied for a position there, I didn’t think it would hurt anything looking into it. I’ll leave the hospital corner for my next post. What I’d like to do here is talk about the pros and cons of this job and see if that will help me figure out whether to take it or not.

Pros

• I would get to learn a health care product inside out from the ground up, and get back to my programming roots (the reason I went to school for Computer Science in the first place)
• I would be working with a great boss (whom I’ve already met) and a great team (haven’t met, but I hear they are great)
• Money-wise, I’d make a little more than I make now, get a signing bonus (which covers most of my tuition for the summer, which I would owe to my company upon departure), and I get bonuses at the end of the year.
• I would have the flexibility to work from home (as much as I loathe to, I must admit it is necessary sometimes)
• Great opportunity for career growth, and for international travel
• The Corporation is growing and was making money even through the recession
• My husband works there, so we could commute home together and seeing each other during the day (albeit not very frequently) would be nice.

Cons

• Once I get that global team position I will be working remotely, like I do now. Only, my team won’t be in the midwest, they will be overseas. That’s very tough for me, not working with people directly. I’m afraid it would land me in the exact same unhappy spot I’m in right now.
• The Corporation is a private company known for its nepotism and lack of organizational structure. Policies don’t always make sense.
• No dental benefits
• My husband works there, which may lead to tension in the relationship.

The more I think about it, the more I don’t really see big issues with taking The Corporation job. It’s good, it’s a step up, it’s stable, and my husband keeps saying that he’s surrounded by people just like me all day long, and he thinks I would fit right in. He might be right.

abi

A lot of people, my husband included, LOVE working from home. They can’t get enough of the freedom, of not having to see other people, of the temporary release of pressure (from deadlines, bosses, etc), and the familiarity of their home surroundings. Some people love the fact they can spend a lot more time at home with their children, and some others are just happy to not have to commute anywhere else. I am not one of those people.

Today is a perfect example of how not stimulating it is for me to work from home. First of all, I did not set an alarm. After you get up early every day of the week, you never sleep past 8:30am anyway. I woke up, changed into sweatpants and a tank top (no shower), turned on my work computer, found a spot on the couch, turned on the TV, and proceeded to begin my work day.

I only have one meeting today. It’s one of those meetings where you have absolutely no input, but you were somehow appointed the meeting organizer. My calendar is full of such meetings. At the end of the call, I am so confused about what the actual subject matter experts were talking about that I can’t even throw together a reliable email of meeting minutes. Anyways, none of that really matters today because it’s FRIDAY and nobody really cares to do much work right before a weekend, so it promises to be an easy day.

By the end of my meeting it was 10:30am, I had had no breakfast (because I jumped out of bed and straight on the computer), and I had been in a still almost-lying-down position since 6pm the night before. I did manage to get up and take 3 minutes to make scrambled eggs, and ate them just as quickly to get back to the computer. Right now it’s almost noon, and I accomplished putting a dashboard together for a chief leader, and a cost estimate for an internal client (in Information Technology, aka IT, that’s all you have: internal clients). At the same time I was doing all that, I managed to get a good grasp of what the ladies from The View were jabbering about this morning (romantic comedies), I got ticked at the fact that The Donald gave the latest Apprentice crew the same task he gave out in the very first season (selling ice cream), and I am now catching up on the Pilot episode of a new show called The Defenders ( ♥ Jerry O’Connell ♥ , dreamy).

As you can see, working from home means: delayed meals, physical inactivity, unavoidable lack of focus, and a lot of TV watching. I feel like a mess, my mouth tastes like ass, and I cannot wait until I can actually unchain myself from the computer to go shower and put on some decent clothes (which, who are we kidding, would probably not happen at all if I didn’t have a plan to go out anywhere).

Lucky for me, I do have a reason to get out today: I am closing on the refinancing of my house. We had a 5.5% APR on the mortgage, and we are upgrading to a luxurious 4.5%. Jealous much? I know I would be.

So, at some point I will have to get up, get dressed, and go. I’ll then come back here, catch up on more emails (which have a way of accumulating by the hundreds when unattended), and then hopefully close out just in time to avoid some procrastinator who absolutely needs something from me before the weekend. I love it when I manage to avoid those and *oops* don’t get to see their message until Monday. “Do you still need that thing? I’m sorry I didn’t get your message until today!”

And such is the life working from home. How can ANYONE stand this for more than one day????

abi

I cleaned out my desk this morning. Don’t worry, I’m not leaving YET. It’s just that I’ve been staring at all the papers that accumulated in my drawers and on the desk over the years, and I just had to shred, throw out and sort. It had to be done. Why now? Oh, I don’t know… because I’m GOING NUTS waiting for an offer so I can finally LEAVE?! Yeah, that sounds about right.

I wish I could say that considering outside prospects has made me appreciate my company all the more, but I can’t. In fact, it’s made me feel like anything I do will not really matter in the end. Anything I learn will be for naught. And anything I haven’t started yet will probably stay unstarted until someone else takes over.

The problem with that mindset is the stupid fact that I have been on this interviewing process since June, and it’s almost October and I haven’t been able to give my notice yet. For all I know, I might still be here, in the same spot, a year from now. That’s more true than you can imagine.

That’s pretty much why nobody at work knows that I’m leaving: because I can’t even guarantee myself that I will be leaving at all. Case in point, the job I applied to two years ago in Cambridge. I was a shoe-in: one of my old bosses, who had left the company, called me on my cellphone and asked me to go work for him. I went through several interviews, and finally decided to not pursue it any longer. The reason: my company was paying for my MBA, and it would have been stupid to leave for a company that would only compensate about 20% of the cost per year. If I had told my boss back then that I was considering leaving, I would have been in the most awkward position for the rest of my time in that team. So, the rule is: unless you have ACCEPTED an offer somewhere else, and you have a start date, and it is 2 weeks before the time you have to leave, you say NOTHING at work. You just never know what’s around the corner.

I’m just so checked out. If I have to say No to the hospital job, that means I’ll be staying in my current job until December, since the company job doesn’t start until January. The wait is excruciating!

In the meantime, I guess I’ll just keep talking about the budgeting plans for 2011 as if I were going to be here to see them through.

Nothing like a half-ass stroll through a work day. So sad.

abi

During the past week I spent every day in a room with 20 other employees of my company in one of the many leadership trainings we will experience during our careers.

The foundation of the training was a personality test which we were instructed to take a week before the class, as we would be receiving a full report on the results on the first day. The test is called DiSC, and it measures a person’s generalistic style of approaching challenges.

D = Dominant
i = Interact
S = Steadiness
C = Compliance

Dominant characters like to feel in control, and are the people you can count on to take charge. They enjoy a fast pace environment.

Interact individuals are social butterflies and value relationships a lot more than reaching end goals. They are also in the “fast” category.

Steadiness people are detailed-oriented and like to take things easy. They are not super social, but they are very analytical. At the same time, they need the time to think about it and not be pressured.

Compliance workers are very focused on numbers and data. They will not make a move until it has been proven by policy, data or otherwise analyzed situations. This makes them slow in action, but accurate in detail.

It was not a surprise to me that I fell into the Dominant category. I was fully expecting it. What I didn’t expect was the rush of emotion that followed.

As soon as I was labeled a strong “D” I became the butt of every joke. Every time I did or said something (anything), others would point their fingers and say “D”!!! Not to say that I didn’t feed the fire myself. I joined them in the mocking. I just thought it’d be a lot more fun to make it a mutual mocking situation… meaning we both gang up on me.

Then it all started coming back to me. All the times in my annual review when I have been asked to “tone it down” or to “take a step back.” That’s years and years of people giving me the “feedback” that I have to change, and I’m just not good enough.

Needless to say, I cried my eyes out that first night. For as long as I can remember, I had always been encouraged to speak out first, to be decisive, to be determined, to not let things stand in my way, and to take control of my own life. It wasn’t until I joined this company that I have felt like my take-charge personality did not fit in. Like I was not good enough, and my intrinsic way to be was getting in the way of my own career. It’s as if I had been labeled with a big “PAIN IN THE ASS” sign on my back.

My manager assured me that they are not asking me to be someone else, but to be aware of how I come off to people and be able to control it. However, that is not what I am getting. What I am getting is action items like “don’t speak out first” or “ask more questions and give fewer statements” or “let others take charge and you take the back seat.” Sound reasonable pieces of feedback, right? After all, most people ARE that way: stay back, don’t draw attention to yourself, the less work you get the better, just talk when being asked to. My problem with this? I AM NOT THAT WAY!!! The reason I speak out first, raise my hand first, say my opinion first, is because that comes extremely natural to me. When you ask me not to do it, it creates an unimaginable internal source of stress and frustration within me.

I do think that it is important for a “leader” to understand how they come off and watch for times when they make others feel uncomfortable. Self-awareness is extemely important. I was hoping I wasn’t THAT bad, and fortunately a kind soul said as much: during one of the “go around the table and give your peers feedback” exercises, while everyone told me that I wasn’t doing a good job at asking more questions or speaking second, this one person did say “I just don’t see how your speaking first is hurting anybody — when you talk, we listen because you say things that matter. I just don’t see your style as abrasive or intimidating. You are fun, and not at all that bad.” You have no idea how good it made me feel to hear that. In a sea of criticism, a single beacon of light.

I guess this whole post is giving me away as someone who doesn’t take criticism very well… That kind of stinks, because I consider myself to be very self-aware and to be conscious of how I come off. I worry about people taking me the wrong way or being gun-shy around me. I try to handle those situations with velvet gloves. But for the most part, my decisiveness should be HELPING my job, not hurting it. Right?…

I did learn a valuable lesson, though. Sometimes I tend to shoot from the hip and make a 100% assertive statement without any real background behind it. I do that all the time, but it was never as clear as in this conversation with my husband:

Brian: I’m thinking of getting a treadmill. How much do those cost?
ina: Eight hundred dollars.
Brian: How do you know?
ina: mmmm… I don’t. That’s my guess.

By the end we were laughing so hard! He had been trying to get me to see that about myself: I make confident statements without fact behind them. It really cracks him up.

This commendable trait to speak confidently even when I have no idea what I’m talking about eventually got my team killed in a desert survival exercise. That was an eye opener for me. We were supposed to decide a strategy to follow after our plane crashed in the desert, and we had to decide what to do with the supplies we had. I was SURE we should all move together safely towards the nearest road we saw before crashing, and that we should figure out how to get food by assigning a hunting party. I got into an argument with another “D” in my team who wanted to just send himself off for help, which I totally disagreed with as it would guarantee his death. In the end, we went with my way. It turns out that the one person in our team who suggested to stay at the crash site was right, but she was too quiet for us to even consider her opinion as a viable option.

That made me realize that even though I might be confident about my way of doing things, it’s very important that I understand all points of view before making a decision. This is sort of how it went:

Peer: we should stay at the crash site, and bury the shotgun because it’s dangerous.
ina: (trying to do reflective listening) So you think we should get rid of the shotgun because it might create a dangerous situation for us, since levels of stress may be high and we might kick into survivor mode.
Peer: Yes.
ina: So how do you suggest we got food?
Peer: I don’t know, we could eat birds.
ina: And how do you plan to catch the birds?
Peer: I don’t know… maybe with something pointy?
ina: so you want to stay back and catch birds with the tip of the umbrella?

At this point her opinion seemed so nonsensical, that I got condescending and dismissive of her point of view. This made her feel self conscious and she shut down for the rest of the discussion.

As it turns out, the right approach was to stay at the crash site and to use the shotgun for digging or as a tool to build things. Food was to be disposed of and don’t even think of hunting, since food would increase the need for water in our bodies (humans can live 3 min without oxygen, 3 days without water, and 30 days without food). If we had actually worked as a team to investigate why she thought we should stay and why hunting wasn’t important, we may have gotten closer to survival. Instead, we were dead within a week.

It was all fun and games, but the truth of the matter is that I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, and I really have to bring out more discussion rather than laying down the law.

Thanks for reading this far. In conclusion: I hate the fact I’m being asked to change, but if there is one thing I learned is that I don’t know enough to make decisions single-handedly. No matter how quickly my brain works in coming up with A solution, it may not be THE solution.

In the end, it was an enlightening week. Frustrating as hell, but definitely enlightening.

ina

I can’t do it. I can’t continue to put the life I want on hold. I want to do something out of the box, I want something creative, I want something ELSE. I want everything all at once. I want to try something different every week. I want to figure out what it is that I love to do.

I have decided not to pursue jobs in my area of work. I am done putting a wall of money between me and my happiness. That’s my vow.

ina

This past weekend I had a revelation. It was a half-epiphany really. I went to Washington DC for my second wedding anniversary trip, and had the time of my life with my husband. I actually think that we fell in love all over again on that trip. But that’s not what my revelation was about.

We were having lunch at a little restaurant off of Seward Square: pizza, of course. And for the first time in many years I did not wish I had the clerk’s job. That was the revelation, and it caught me by complete surprise. I know it sounds silly, but I tend to wish I could walk in anybody else’s shoes but my own.

I think I pinpointed the moment when I had this transformation. We had the opportunity to sit through a vote at the House of Representatives. It was great! I looked at the reps and thought what a cool job it must be to pull the strings of a whole country. Imagine representing a whole constituency and act on their behalf.

Although I thought that was a cool job, I didn’t really wish I had that job either, but made me realize that I want a job that I’m so passionate about that I want to be the best at it. Remember that feeling?

So all of the sudden, the pizza man’s job doesn’t meet my standards; they are not going anywhere.
I also figured out how a job is so much like a relationship. When you try so hard to find one, your desperation blinds you from any standards. But when you focus on doing things you like for the pure enjoyment of it, relationships find you. In the case of a job, you just gotta do what makes your heart sing.

So I started attending my town’s government meetings and started a new blog about my town at norwoodma.wordpress.com and I am so excited to play journalist for a little while.

Did you know that there are people out there making a living on blogging and writing reports for online publications? People actually make money doing what I enjoy as a hobby!

If only I had the courage to give it a real shot. I guess it will have to be a hobby until I get good enough for people to what to read me in the first place!

ina

I’m having “one of those days” where my self-confidence is down in the dumps. I am sick and tired of everything and I just want to go home and sit on my front steps and just stare into space. To top it all off, the weather is crummy today, so I can’t even escape to the comforting warmth of summer.

I keep going back in circles in my head on what to do with my life/time. It seems like all I do is fill my time, while not actually accomplishing anything fruitful for my life. I want to do so much, but nothing seems to bring me happiness. I have thought of my options, but they all sound completely conflicting with one another. See for yourself:

Action	Purpose/Goal
Find another job in my area of expertise (healthcare/IT)	Money: Get a bigger paycheck that will help me pay for my basement reconstruction
Get my teaching license and become an educator for the state of Massachusetts	Tranquility: Lead a more subdued life, while taking advantage of my creativity, as well as organization and public speaking skills. Prepare for a family: Get summers off, match my kids’ schedule.
Pursue an entrepreneurial venture	Challenge myself: Join a startup and help get investors.
Work at a small company in my area of expertise	Try something new: My family is of the thought that I need to try a different (more local) office environment before writing it off. This may mean a paycut.

As you can see, I have my reasons to pursue any of these options… but none of them actually satisfy ALL my needs. When I’m burnt out, like today, I dream of a simpler life. Just challenging enough, just new enough. Nothing fancy, nothing that would require me to be on call 24/7. Something that will give me time to pursue other interests.

I can’t make decisions when I’m stuck in a rut. In fact, nobody should make decisions based on low-points. The problem is that we are so happy in our high points that it is hard to think of change. I’ve tried to find the right balance: just unhappy enough but not to the point of irrationality, but I have not been successful at coming up with the right strategy. My needs change with every mood point, so each of these options look more appealing than the next in a matter of days.

How am I supposed to know which is right for me right now??? Maybe I just need a change and ANY change will be good… but that’s not always true.

Any suggestions? As an outsider, what do YOU think my problem is? What should I be thinking about instead?

Thank you in advance!!! I REALLY need some advice here.

ina

I have a view of my life that causes me a lot of aggravation. I don’t live life day by day, minute by minute. I live a week at a time. If the week started out crappy, it is very hard to turn it around, and I find myself wanting the week to end so I can start over on Monday.

In a way, this makes my weeks go by faster. I don’t know why, but I just can’t make my weeks last long enough. Whatever the case, this weekly schedule SUCKS when I didn’t have time over the weekend to plan my week.

I wish I could live day by day. Take today, for example. I look good (90 degree weather calls for skirts, which calls for heels, which calls for nice tops, which calls for make up, which all together equals a great outfit), I don’t have that many meetings today, and I made it to work on time. But I still feel like procrastinating. None of these things make me want to work any more than any other day when I look like crap, have a billion meetings, and I’m late to catch my morning train.

On those “bad” days I yearn for the “good” days. I fantasize that if I looked good, made it on time, and was well rested, I’d be more inclined to doing work. Sort of like being a character in Ally McBeal.

Signs that I am not a character in Ally McBeal:

1. there are no people in my office with whom to have an hour’s worth of entertaining drama.
2. Nobody cares what I wear at work (refer to point #1)
3. NPR is my only onsite company.

I’m sure I’d be able to come up with more tell-tale signs if I had ever watched the show.

I’ll leave you with one of the only quotes I remember from Ally McBeal (captured while channel surfing), said by Lucy Liu’s character Ling Woo:

“I’m rich. I only go to work to wear my outfits”

Mmm yeah, not as ideal in practice as it sounds in theory.

ina

Have you ever wondered what your calling in life is? I have. I can’t say I have found it yet, but I can share with you those moments when I get a definite clue 🙂 Like today, for example:

I managed to speed up the decision process of setting the direction in a project by at least a week or two, simply by picking up the phone and talking one-on-one with the decision makers about what felt the best approach was. I got everybody’s perspectives, and then let them all know what the others were thinking, so they are now all magically on the same page, and all we need is a meeting to consolidate our thoughts.

This was one of the highlights of my week. It just showed me what a long way I can go by building alliances rather than animosity with my coworkers. Not that they all hate me, but I don’t seem to do much about it when they do, other than hating them right back.

Anyways, I’m just good at getting things done. That’s just what I do.

ina

As some of you may know, my former manager left an opening for a salary negotiation as I was leaving the team. All previous managers shut me down, but, since I was moving on any way, this manager had nothing to lose. Thank goodness for that!

So I have been doing my homework. No, I mean, LITERALLY: I have been taking a Negotiations class this semester, and boy am I glad about that! I have been literally preparing for this negotiation all semester long! And now, the time has come to see what I’m truly made of.

Before actually having the meeting, which I scheduled for tomorrow, I was advised to put my request and merits in writing; so I did that today. Got it checked by my good friend Enrique Montoya, and sent it off. Probably the scariest moment ever of my professional life.

I’ll let you know how the conversation goes. Here are a couple of things that I need to make sure to anchor and drive home:

• I am only asking for EQUALITY in pay with others in the same band, performance rating, years of service and LOCATION as me.
• I freakin’ deserve it (in other words, list out my accomplishments for the past 7 years).

If I manage to successfully anchor the discussion on these two points, I’ll be half way there. The other half is not up to me. It’s up to the company and their willingness to reward top talent.

This has been one of the most painstaking ordeals of my professional life. I have been a nervous wreck ever since I set up the meeting last Thursday. My heart beats out of my chest just thinking about it. Maybe this is one of the reasons why women make less than men: we stress out and simply don’t ask for raises. That’s messed up, isn’t it?

I’ll give you more details when it ends, so maybe you can learn from my errors. But one thing is for sure: the worst that could happen is that they will say No.

ina

I’m talking about occupational bliss.

Who knew I’d be uttering those words today? It’s a total oxymoron: occupational bliss, work happiness. It’s just a ludicrous concept. Yet, here I am.

My job took a turn for the better on Monday, when I officially left the ranks of the siloed and lowly process ownership world, and became a member of the Project Management team.

I think what made a true difference in the roles was the people. Before, I worked with people who were absolutely tired of their jobs. They had been doing it forever and they just got way too much joy out of being difficult and passing the buck onto others. On my new role, I am surrounded by a TEAM (in which there is no "I"), where we all follow the same processes and fight the same foes. I feel like I have support all around me. I’m no longer fighting against the grain of my own team, and it feels wonderful.

I have been working harder than I have in the past 3 years this week alone. I’ve said goodbye to my easy Fridays for now, and I’m at work enjoying a light-meeting day, and updating my master project spreadsheet with the latest happenings.

This weekend is going to be really busy. I have to make a guest appearance on Saturday at a class I took last Spring, and then work my butt off to finish my part of a paper that is due next Wednesday. Not looking forward to it, but somebody’s gotta do it!

Anyways, happy in the new job this week. I wonder how long it’s going to last…

ina

… but not so much this time 😀 I can’t wait to move on and leave my previous role behind me.

I’ve been having my last meetings with the people I work with this week, and I’ve said my goodbyes with a big smile on my face 🙂 To those I enjoyed working with, I’m grateful for their friendship, and I know this won’t be our last time talking. To those I did not enjoy working with, all I can say is I hope our paths never cross again!

Oh, parting is such sweet sorrow. Emphasis on the SWEET 🙂

ina

The scariest part of starting a new job is that you don’t know what you don’t know. I feel like I should know the ins and outs of every process, who manages it and how long it takes the teams to go through them. But I don’t! I’m getting thrown into meetings and documents and acronyms, and I have no clue!!!

One thing is for sure, though: once I learn the ropes, there will be nobody who can do this better. I’m just really good like that. Whatever I do, I become a total expert freak about. I got that to look forward to.

ina

I had a very exciting meeting yesterday. Yes, "exciting." Can you believe it? Is that a total oxymoron, or what?

The meeting was with the clients for a project I’m taking over in my new role. They are located in Brazil, and were visiting the mother ship just like I was. We thought it would be good to meet face to face, and it totally paid off.

I felt like they were my brothers, and I wanted to help them. Now, I don’t speak Portuguese, but after having that meeting I can’t WAIT to dive into Rosetta Stone and learning it. I want to jump into their peojects with both feet and make them happy as fast as I possibly can.

I would even be excited to travel to Brazil to learn more about their infrastructure. Isn’t that something?

ina

I was standing in front of the mirror in the ladies room at the office, and that thought crossed my mind: why isn’t there a couch in here? Don’t they know that some women need to get away from the craziness and just sit and think for a while?

I had my formal interview for the new role today. I didn’t know they were actual interviews until the first one had started, so I winged them (they were back-to-back), and I did pretty well! In fact, I rocked them. I am totally comfortable talking about my development needs, and I know exactly what I want to gain from this role. I also know exactly what scares me about the change, and what questions to ask each interviewer. I pride myself in knowing how to turn the tables so that interviewers feel like they are just having a conversation with a friend, and, sometimes, even make them feel like they are the ones who are being interviewed. I’m just that good.

But as soon as I hung up the phone, reality sunk in again: this is not the career I want, and I’m just dying a little bit inside every moment that passes by.

Again, there is no use in complaining if I don’t take action to make a change. Maybe I should get back on the horse and sub again. I really should at least master that art and make more connections in the school system.

So nervous about work. So anxious about school. Today was NOT a good day.

Hope you had a better one,

ina

I just got off the phone with my father (no, that’s not what the philosopher said, but I need to give you the background first); he was dreading going into work. For the past year or so he has been working as a consultant, and commuting from home to the office by plane every week. This is quite strenuous for a man who built his whole life, did all the right things, then lost his retirement fund through no fault of his own, and now is facing the need to make money to survive in his golden years.

He confided in me that things at work have gotten tough. He’s at odds with his boss, and apparently they have had very sour exchanges. It’s simply not a pleasant environment to fly to every week, and to be away from your wife and family for. I told him I was also dissatisfied, and so was my sister Monica Geller at the moment. As he always does, he went ahead and reminded me of something my uncle said once. As the story goes, my aunt was complaining about the fact that she had to get up at 5am, then go to work and deal with issues, frustrating people and unbearable situations, and how she was fed up with it. My uncle, in his limited, yet surprising, wisdom, responded “that’s what we call WORK.” Ever since then, my father has called him a philosopher. Granted, my uncle is not from Andalucía, but they are all from Spain on my mother’s side, and my father just gets a kick out of the misnomer. My father quotes my uncle every time I complain about work (which is really annoying… but so true).

In conclusion, WORK is supposed to be WORK. It’s not meant to be fun. If it was fun, it would be called FUN. “I’m going to have FUN today, and have the time of my life!” << that's not exactly how must of us would describe our jobs, is it? Ohh, but we so wish we did.

I hope your days are going well. Enjoy WORK.

ina

I took the first test for the Teaching License this past Saturday. To read the play-by-play, go to my Teaching Inanutshelll Blog.

Enjoy,

ina

Today was a semi-productive day. By that I mean that I didn’t goof around as much as I did actual work, but at the same time none of my bigger projects got touched.

One of my good friends at work and I had lunch together today. We’ll call him Enrique Montoya (I know he likes that name 🙂 ). He has been having as much trouble concentrating on his job as I have. You’d think that we’d be able to provide support to each other and help each other get out of this rut, but, as it turns out, two wrongs don’t make a right. We are still at the bottom of our respective barrels.

There is so much to do, and yet so little motivation to do it. Whatever happened to my drive and ambition? I used to have some of that running through my veins. And now… now I can’t wait for the day to be over to go lounge on my (brand new!) couch at home while curling up to my husband for warmth. I guess it’s all reverted back to the bottom of Maslow’s pyramid of basic needs. Self-actualization is so far up the steep walls, that I’d rather just stay at ground level. So sad.

Do you have any tricks that help you become motivated? Any will help!

ina

I just had the strangest human encounter I have had in a very long time. I talked to someone for the first time, and after only 1 hour of conversation, I was crying and we felt close enough to hug each other goodbye. Here’s how it happened:

I came into work because the Big Kahuna (B.K.) is in town (see previous post). As every big kahuna does, he brought with him an entourage of advisers (a handful of direct reports). One of them is a man I have talked to on the phone once or twice before, and never have had any beef with. We shook hands when I took that trip to the mother ship in December, but did not talk at all… until tonight, at the B.K.’s happy hour reception across the street from the office. We shall call this man Mr. Wow, for his uncanny ability to make people open up around him.

I can’t say I was looking forward to this evening. I hate having to pretend to have a good time, so unless I really am, I look totally neutral and shy. Granted, it doesn’t take much to perk my interest, but it makes it harder for people to approach me when I’m not talking or inviting them in. I just hate cordial talk.

The evening started with just us local peons sitting around a table, waiting for the convoy to arrive. Sigh, great: awkward conversation with people I have zero interest in. A few moments later the B.K. came in, and settled to chit chat by me. We exchanged a few laughs and stories of how I “trained” my husband to say “No” to me more often the first year we were together. More than a few times I felt like he was shushing me when I brought up things like why they won’t let a common acquaintance retire, or what really happened with that acquisition that fell through. I started to get the feeling I was pressing all the wrong buttons. Then he left for another group and I talked to two others about nothing. Then the B.K. approached me again, and we chatted some more. At one point he turned away to chat with someone else and I realized I was suddenly left standing alone next to Mr. Wow.

I sparked up conversation about how his holidays went. He was very receptive and sharing. He didn’t wait for me to start conversation, he held his own in filling the air with his own thoughts and stories. After 30 min we had talked about a lot of trivial things like the emotional roller coaster ride that is the movie “Up”, about Pixar’s amazing short films, about our own families and growing up with parents whom we now are proud to call friends, about taking trips to Disney World, traveling with children, his own two kids (who are much too old to really be his), and very emotional topics of growing up as a middle child. It was so easy to talk to him. Again, it doesn’t take much to get me to share my innermost secrets, but he had managed to get me to share that I didn’t have many friends growing up in a matter of minutes.

I thought I was boring him after a half hour of chit chat, and gave him an exit “wow, we’ve been standing here for a half hour” I said while I leaned towards the table to grab another nacho. He just said “that’s what this is all about, right?” and we went onto talk about how it would be nice to visit the mother ship again, but with no real purpose, just to hang out. The problem, I said, was that I can’t miss more than 2 weeks of school (I’m already going there for training for a week and I’m going to my home country in Feb). He asked more about the MBA, and I told him of my dreams of opening a coffee shop, or maybe helping people out with their finances as a service. I told him that I love helping my friends with their financial planning, and how I spent hours in front of my friend’s spreadsheet (while driving her crazy) before realizing that it was midnight. And then he asked me if I had ever thought of working in finance at my company. — — wah? — — Somehow, someway, my world stopped making sense at that moment, and in an inexplicable collision of emotions, tears began to fall from my eyes. He politely escorted me out of the room for a “walk.”

Finance? That word is, to me, the scariest word in the English language. Yes, I help my friends with their finances, but that does not make me a finance person. I am an IT person. But Mr. Wow said that if I understood the principles, I had studied them in my MBA, and I enjoyed spending hours in front of a spreadsheet, that’s pretty much all it takes. Could I really be a finance person? Why was I crying about this? In that moment I felt as if my attitude towards my job could actually be reversed. Could I really find a place here for me? A place I love?

Mr. Wow told me that I might not know this, but people at the mother ship were very impressed with my skills and talents, and they talked about me; yet, nobody really knew what I wanted out of my career or where I wanted to be. I wasn’t surprised: ever since I walked through that door I have gone wherever the next open position is, but it has never been my first choice. I realized what I was saying sounded wimpy: to openly admit that I have never raised my hand for a position I wanted; however, there has never been such a position because I do not feel like I belong here at all. I decided to confide in him and basically told him that I went to school to become a programmer, and that dream never came true. I came to work here because there was simply nothing else available, and for the past 6 years I have felt adrift. I don’t belong here, I don’t have a place here, therefore there is no need or reason for me to try to find a spot. I did not want to get comfortable, I wanted to get out.

Mr. Wow seemed to completely understand my feelings, and never once argued with them. At the same time he asked me to really think about it. Was I passionate about finances and forecasting? Was that something I was interested in pursuing? All I had to do was raise my hand. Was I really interested in this next role they are lining up for me? Or was it just the ‘right thing to do’? At one point he said that my conformity was just me behaving like the ‘middle child’ again. I appreciated the reference to our previous conversation, and made a very important connection: even after having left my parents’ house, I was still doing whatever I thought people expected of me.

After a half hour of discussing my innermost fears about changing my whole mentality about my job, I realized it was time to go catch my train. The conversation had wound down as he was telling me how he ended up in his role, and how he did feel like quitting so many times before when he worked at other companies. He said that things will be good, then they’ll be bad, then they’ll work out, then they won’t. He said that IT leadership was not for everybody, but that I should really give something I enjoy doing a shot, and see how it goes. So just think about it.

We went back to the room. Most people had already left. I shook the remaining people’s hands, and gave Mr. Wow a handshake and a hug. I thanked him very much for his insights, and told him I would think about it.

How can a complete stranger turn my world upside down in just one hour? Do you realize that I could have either (1) not attended the happy hour at all, or (2) left to take the earlier train, or (3) ended the conversation with him at the half-hour mark, and none of this would have happened?

Finance… spreadsheets… planning… budgeting… my heart jumps for joy at these concepts. Could that really be my next move?

ina

Praise God and all the Saints, I am out of hibernation, Hallelujah!

When I held back from taking any vacation in the first six months of 2009 in order to accumulate 2 weeks to take them over christmas and new year, I had no idea I would be spending them chained to my work computer every day, day and night. Heck, had I known, I would have taken one friday off every week for 10 weeks straight! Or for 20 weeks, if you count the fact that I already get Friday mornings off.

I spent the past 3 weeks programming in Java to create scripts that would automatically fill out 3 or 4 thousand forms, which is what it takes to update our ordering catalog. The programming part was easy, and even fun. But running the scripts was taking everything out of me. I spent all day and all night monitoring to make sure they were still running right. I couldn’t even postpone my vacation, either, since it’s a use-by-year’s-end-or-lose-it situtation.

While I was in Texas visiting my family for the holidays, I set up my computer in the back of the room and continuously monitored it. New Year’s Eve dinner, playing Settlers of Catan board game, exchanging presents, watching my niece and nephew play, and even going to sleep, these are all moments tainted by the dreadful memory of my turning/running to the computer to make sure the scripts were still working right.

Like a wise friend said to me: they don’t pay me enough to be this stressed out.

The scripts are done with for now, although it’s hard to get them off my mind.

Now I’m on the train going to the office. I probably wouldn’t have come in at all and would have taken Friday off if it wasn’t for the untimely visit of the Big Kahuna to town these couple of days.

Needless to say, I need a vacation. "Welcome back to work, Ina! Hope you had a great break!" Yeah, whatever.

ina

I’m currently many many hundred miles away from home at the business headquarters, and I have to say that I had a pretty good day.

Without getting into too much detail, I had a great presentation to the leadership (I’m awesome), and I interviewed for a new position (which went awesome), and to finish off the day I had girly night with my friend Erin and it was lovely! Now I’m about to go to sleep in my Holiday Inn Express bed, and, to top it off with a cherry, First Wives’ Club is on Oxygen! (only the best movie ever).

Why is it that right when you think it’s all over and you have decided to throw in the towel, something changes that pulls you back in and makes you reconsider your entire thought process? I hate it when that happens. I hate the roller coaster effect of career satisfaction.

So the question is: should you consider a career change when you are down and you hate everything (which is the time when you most want to do ANYTHING ELSE but what you’re doing now); or do should you wait until things turn around and you feel more optimistic (therefore giving you a more objective perspective on said change)?

I still believe that an 180-degree career change would be good for my soul. It would make me feel like my life is MY OWN. That I didn’t just follow a path that someone else set up for me and that I do have the power to make a change. It would prove to myself that I can do ANYTHING. This change would make my life feel SO long (I had a corporate life, I had a teaching life, I had a [whatever comes next] life). I am so afraid of continuing to ride this roller coaster and never make a change… I don’t think I could live with that.

I’m conflicted, but I’ll ride it for as long as it’s fun. We’ll see what happens next!

ina