As adults we sometimes feel we know best when it comes to dealing with children. We think we know what’s good, what’s bad, what’s not a big deal, and what’s necessary. At least as compared to a child’s judgment.
I’m here to tell you that we don’t know jack.
We have all been there: kid is being too loud, we tell them to be quiet. Kid is being annoying, we tell them to stop. We never actually follow an exact strategy to know for sure whether our little lessons are teaching about right and wrong, or if we are actually causing long-lasting harm to the child.
I heard a story once, I forget where, of a mother who came home from a bad day at work with a migraine. She went straight to her room to sleep. Her daughter, six years old, was in the other room singing quite loudly. This felt like jackhammers in her mother’s head (if you’ve had a migraine, you know what that must have felt like). She just yelled out her daughter’s name without getting up, and asked her to please stop, mommy was feeling sick.
The next day, the girl didn’t sing anymore. The mother didn’t think anything of it (she was being so good and quiet). What we fail to realize in this scenario is that the girl was probably singing loudly to get her mother’s attention. She wanted her mother to think she was the best singer and be proud of her. When her mother asked her to stop, this killed her spirit (“oh, I must not be that good”) and she never sang as confidently as she had that last night.
The moral of the story is that all kids have a gift they are proud of. We could choose to think they are just being annoying, or trying to get your attention, and we could just quiet them down or get them to sit still and “be good.” Or we could really pay attention to what those things are they are so proud of and encourage them to channel that energy positively.
Your kid is annoyingly singing loudly? Tell them what great singers they are and ask them how they would like to take some singing lessons. Your kid always interrupts others, has a lot of opinions and seems overly verbal? Might be a good candidate for kids debate club. Kid has trouble following directions and marches to the beat of their own drum? Sounds like great leadership material – would there be any programs to teach kids how to lead others? Encourage their independent thinking, but remind them that they should also do what the teacher says at school.
This is not as easy as it sounds. We all want kids to be quiet and good and obedient, but that’s how you’ll end up with a robot who just wants to please you and never question what they are asked to do. That’s how you end up with adults who are unhappy with their path and decide, too late in life (or maybe never), to pursue a different one. Yes, I’m talking about me now.
This must be especially challenging for teachers, who have to deal with as many as thirty individual minds at a time. I do hope I can remember my own advice and stop and think if a student needs a nudge in a new direction.
ina