I usually dream at night, but only every so often I remember my dreams without even trying.
Last night’s dream stuck with me.
I was at a game (baseball, maybe?), and I had to step over people’s legs to get to my seat. The girl who was next to my seat said something rude about my inconveniencing her, so I turned around and pulled at her hair for being so damn passive aggressive. She let out a little scream and was going to pull my hair, but I pinned her to her seat by the arms with both my hands. She looked at me like I was crazy. I kept telling her “stop doing this” as she kept her girly cries. I told her that her comment was unnecessary and uncalled for, and she just had to stop. She felt ashamed for having behaved that way, and I felt like I really got through to her. I felt like I was asking her judgmental walls to fall, and it was working. Almost like a Vulcan mind meld or something. She asked me “how do you know me?” Our connection was so strong that she felt like I completely disarmed her.
After that, we became great friends.
Sometimes I do wish I had that power to disarm people. I have been in discussions with people where they completely close off, and I just wish I could dissolve their hard front, especially because I am the kind of person that wears her heart on her sleeve. This is a stupid quality that makes me completely vulnerable, and has gotten me into trouble more than once. However, when others choose not to be transparent with me, I get tired and close off at that point. Why would I make myself vulnerable to someone who doesn’t welcome it or will just put on a front and then go talk about me behind my back? It’s just not worth it.
Anyways, I could analyze this dream five ways to Sunday. I’m of the school of thought that every thought I have is a projection of my own feelings onto something else. I hate people who are not transparent like that girl, because I have been that girl. I block off to the world when I feel like I’m being attacked or misunderstood. In the dream I am telling myself to stop being so petty and shallow and to allow myself to be open. I’m thinking of one particular situation that stressed me out yesterday. I wish I could be a grown up about it, but my inner-ina is tantruming.
ina