inacove

Tag: dreams

  • Soul Searching

    Something’s bothering me, but I know it doesn’t bother everyone, and I wish I were one of those people. They are happy people.

    We all know about my infatuation with Taylor Swift. If you’ve read my past entry about Girl Crushes, you’d understand that there are certain women whom I admire. I want to be near them, I want to talk to them, I want their happiness to rub off on me.

    Warning: The next 3 paragraphs are the background of how I got to this point and it’s kinda boring… you can skip to “So what bothers me about this?” to not waste precious seconds of your life.

    Yesterday Taylor hosted a Meet & Greet for what ended up being 14.5 hours of just meeting, hugging, kissing fans and taking pictures with them (in Nashville, TN, for Country Fest — which I did not attend). It was broadcasted live on the web, so I logged on a couple of times throughout the day to see how she was doing. She’s just so genuinely appreciative of her fans, and she has an amazing self-awareness, uncharacteristic of a typical 20 year old, that makes her see that she’s a huge influence in young girls (plus me). She knows she’s being watched and people hang onto her every word, so she always makes sure to be positive, encouraging, and self-esteem raising. She’s what I think a real-life Barbie doll would be: considerate, ethical and just sweet.

    After the broadcast, it gave you a “suggested” video, which was a 1-hour webchat with Taylor at her house. She read questions and answered them from her personal Mac webcam. That was in 2008.

    Then last night I had a dream about her. There was a Taylor Swift camp, and all the girls were there to meet Taylor and spend time with her. I remember waking up and thinking that I had to go back and do something… I don’t remember what it was… I was writing a book? making a scrapbook? I don’t remember, but I needed to go back and finish it! It was so real.

    So what bothers me about this? I lied in bed last night for about 20 min thinking about what it is that I love about Taylor so much and why do I find being star-struck so frustrating at the same time. I know that I love that she is doing something she loves to do and that she’s really good at. That’s why this is not just a celebrity crush, I also have this kind of infatuation for others that love what they do and do it well despite adversity, like my sister-in-law, who is yet to be christianed with a new name on this blog. She’s a teacher, and she knew she wanted to do this all her life. She puts up with the downs because this is IT for her. I guess I wish I were so sure about my life path as Taylor and sis-in-law are.

    I was trying to think what would be the end result of my soul search. How would it feel? I couldn’t come up with anything. I just can’t see myself being perfectly content with just one thing. I am always thinking, jumpy, nervous, hating everything, wishing I were somewhere else. I could not picture a single scenario where I was happy and content and static. For some reason that’s how I define happiness: do something you like, do it well, live worry-free for the rest of your life. Even in my dreams I can’t accomplish that.

    I am also nervous because I have been thinking about teaching versus working at my husband’s company, and my husband’s company is winning. I couldn’t have foreseen feeling like this in a million years. I guess the money issue is really a big one, especially right now. If I could make some money and save up, maybe I would be ready for a career in teaching. I really need to take a good look at my finances at some point.

    So, I didn’t have any real conclusion. Apparently I am doomed to wandering in anxiety for the rest of eternity. What a life…

    ina

  • Vivid Dream

    I usually dream at night, but only every so often I remember my dreams without even trying.

    Last night’s dream stuck with me.

    I was at a game (baseball, maybe?), and I had to step over people’s legs to get to my seat. The girl who was next to my seat said something rude about my inconveniencing her, so I turned around and pulled at her hair for being so damn passive aggressive. She let out a little scream and was going to pull my hair, but I pinned her to her seat by the arms with both my hands. She looked at me like I was crazy. I kept telling her “stop doing this” as she kept her girly cries. I told her that her comment was unnecessary and uncalled for, and she just had to stop. She felt ashamed for having behaved that way, and I felt like I really got through to her. I felt like I was asking her judgmental walls to fall, and it was working. Almost like a Vulcan mind meld or something. She asked me “how do you know me?” Our connection was so strong that she felt like I completely disarmed her.

    After that, we became great friends.

    Sometimes I do wish I had that power to disarm people. I have been in discussions with people where they completely close off, and I just wish I could dissolve their hard front, especially because I am the kind of person that wears her heart on her sleeve. This is a stupid quality that makes me completely vulnerable, and has gotten me into trouble more than once. However, when others choose not to be transparent with me, I get tired and close off at that point. Why would I make myself vulnerable to someone who doesn’t welcome it or will just put on a front and then go talk about me behind my back? It’s just not worth it.

    Anyways, I could analyze this dream five ways to Sunday. I’m of the school of thought that every thought I have is a projection of my own feelings onto something else. I hate people who are not transparent like that girl, because I have been that girl. I block off to the world when I feel like I’m being attacked or misunderstood. In the dream I am telling myself to stop being so petty and shallow and to allow myself to be open. I’m thinking of one particular situation that stressed me out yesterday. I wish I could be a grown up about it, but my inner-ina is tantruming.

    ina

  • Capture It, Remember It

    Taylor Swift
    I had a dream last night where I went backstage and hung out with Taylor Swift and her band. This is not the first time I’ve had this dream, and every single time I feel too excited and nervous to behave normally, and just end up feeling like I’m trying too hard and it gets totally awkward 🙂

    I know I probably just completely confused you, so let me clear that question on your mind: No, I’m not a 15-year old girl still living at home blasting Taylor’s music and crushing over boys. I am a 28-year old home-owner who blasts Taylor’s music while her husband is in the other room with his headphones on.

    My crush on Taylor started through country music. I have been listening to country stations pretty exclusively since the first time I had to commute (2002). Taylor captivated me in two ways: she was 16 when she first came out, and she wrote every single one of her songs. She stood out as a real artist in my eyes. At the moment she started to come through I had been hooked on Carrie Underwood, who was nice to listen to and challenging to sing along to, but her songs did not speak to me. All of the sudden in comes Taylor with her songs about boy crushes and she took me back to my school days. I bought her CD (which is something I normally DO NOT do) when she had only release two singles so far, and had won zero awards. I like to think of myself as the first one to discover her in a 30 mile radius (remember that I live in Massachusetts… not the most country-friendly state).

    I’ve seen Taylor grow up and become a real, generous, funny and just genuine artist with the savvy and initiative to not only write her own songs, but also design and direct her own shows When you see a show or hear a song, that it ALL Taylor, not some label executive experiment, and that’s something that I respect tremendously.

    Taylor just became the very first female country artist to fill up Gillette Stadium, thanks to me, in part 🙂 I’ll be there on June 5th cheering her on. I can’t wait 🙂

    ina

  • Darkly Dreaming Dexter

    I had my first Dexter nightmare last night. It really was frightening.

    My husband and I love the show, which airs on Showtime on Sundays at 9pm, but this past Sunday he was watching the Patriots getting beat by the Colts. Instead we DVR’d Dexter and watched it last night, so it was fresh on my mind. I also caught up on House, which would explain Hugh Laurie’s cameo in my dream.

    To make a long dream short, the Trinity Killer was putting us all in a room to kill us. He had people in my personal life, which made it all the more frightening. He was going to chop us all up like Dexter does to his victims. He did something especially macabre to House, though. Trinity brought him and Chase (also from House) in the back of a pickup truck. Chase was on a stretcher, knocked out with anesthesia, and House looked scared shitless. Like he knew his witty remarks and wiseass attitude would not get him out of this one.

    There was more. Something about Dexter going around in the South Florida area and the Everglades trying to find us all, and making sure of talking to people so they would remember him in case the police was tracking us down (he just needed a head start). Also, his wife (who, in my dream, was played by the actress who plays Bella’s mother in Twilight, the movie) asked Trinity to chop off her forearm, so Dexter would see it and freak out, and understand that what he does is wrong.

    Anyways, I was shaken up and woke up before my alarm rang. Scary stuff.

    ina

  • Just a dream?

    This morning I woke up in the middle of a dream — don’t you hate it when that happens? I snoozed once, so it was a two-parter.

    In the first part, I was in some kind of inventor’s club, but I forget my invention. I did watch the movie "Flash of Genius" last night, so that could have had something to do with it. My alarm rang as I was talking to another lady (who works in my office) about her sodium towel invention (don’t ask).

    The second part was me and some guy (who resembled the main vocalist from the Wallflowers) walking into some kind of a rave. I was not a rocker, I was just me. He held my hand as we made our way through the mob. We finally arrived at a spot where a guy who resembled Dave Matthews was sitting and talking incomprehensibly (I saw DM on the CMAs last night, too). He told something to my Wallflowers guy that I didn’t understand, so I asked my guy to repeat. He said DM, who apparently was his brother, wanted him to play the bass sax at the rave (which was my husband’s instrument in high school). My guy was playing it cool, sort of like "I don’t do that anymore, I have moved on," which I guess made him super sexy. The entire time I had the feeling he had been summoned there, and didn’t come willingly. I told him it sounded cool and he should do it, and he looked like he was thinking about it. He was still holding my hand, which at first seemed it was because he didn’t want to lose me in the crowd, but at that moment he started rubbing my hand with his thumb in a caressing fashion. Now he had my attention!

    … and then my alarm rang again.

    Did you know that Twilight, the book series, was born from the author’s one-night dream of the meadow scene? She was a plain old mormon housewife in Arizona, with a degree in Literature, who just decided to write down that scene so she wouldn’t forget it, and ended up writing a whole book around it. The rest was history.

    So, was my dream just a dream? What would happen if I wrote a book around it? Could my life change forever?

    …

    Naaaahhhhhh… 🙂

    ina