Authenticity

I visited a new therapist yesterday. We’ll call her Dr. Crane.

I was referred to Dr. Crane by my friend Alicia Keys, who knew her professionally. The caveat is that Dr. Crane is so well known and in such high demand that she doesn’t need to be part of an insurance network, so her wages per hour add up to about 7 times a typical specialist co-pay. “Ouch! Kiss and make it bettah!”

Alicia Keys assured me Dr. Crane was worth every penny. Although it’s hard for me to agree that any kind of advice would be worth that kind of money, I do have to admit that she brought up certain things I had not thought of on my own, even after all these years of trying to find answers through similar sessions.

Our conversation led me to conclude that I seem to have turned my black & white type of thinking onto myself. I judge myself against values that are very meaningful to me, such as honesty and authenticity. Just like I judge others for being fake or selfish, I judge myself for not being 100% honest and authentic 100% of the time.

You know when someone says or does something you don’t like, but you stay quiet because you don’t think the fight is worth it? Well, that happens to me often enough that I beat myself up for not being authentic. This leads to feelings of self-betrayal, which leads to my feeling like an impostor who might be found out any second, therefore leading to the assumption that I am not genuine and therefore people must hate me. And if they don’t, then they will as soon as they “find me out.” Messed up, isn’t it???

My homework for the next session (a month from now) is to write down things I stop myself from saying just so I can create more awareness in my own head about those times I feel I am self-betraying.

Interesting stuff!

There were other things that came up that actually made me feel much stronger and more apt to withstand other problems.

Maybe I can’t say Dr. Crane was worth every penny, but she was certainly worth making a second appointment with.

Good luck to all of you who are trying to figure out your own inner workings 🙂 It’s not easy, is it??? But it’s fun to learn more about yourself 🙂

ina