Frenemies

Let’s face it: we don’t always love all of our friends.

If you have accumulated friends over different stages of your life, you have probably noticed that you have lost those things that used to connect you to some of them. Maybe they were your drinking buddies in college, and nowadays you would rather relax at home with a glass of wine, over braving the streets plastered until 2am every weekend. Maybe they were your best friends in high school, but you just don’t have a heck of a lot to talk about anymore. Maybe they were your wing man (or woman) when you were single, and you are just over the whole manhunting affair. Maybe you admired their life, and now you just resent them for always looking down on you. Or maybe you are just a judgmental control freak and have a hard time letting your friends lead their own lives their own way, and get frustrated when they don’t follow your advice. I’d put a check mark on that last one based on recent events.

I just went through a girlfriend quarrel with Charlotte. Things are fine now (I think), but we decided to stop doing finances together in order to get back on equal footing in our relationship. Truth was, I was being judgmental, and she started to resent me for it (and rightfully so).

This entire ordeal got me thinking about the concept of “friends.”

When I was in elementary and middle school, I had a very hard time making friends; but when I did have them, we were TIGHT. We would wait for each other at the school entrance every morning, we would spend every recess together, and then go home and talk on the phone for hours at a time. We would share our innermost feelings and deepest secrets without any regard for what the other might think, because we were one and the same. We’d spend all of our free time together, have sleepovers, and wouldn’t even consider the thought of going to a party unless they were invited, too. Now that I think of it, these friendships sound more like full blown relationships, don’t they?

I guess those are the types of friendships that made an impact in my own perception of what a friendship should be like: they should be pure and they give you completely open rights to say anything that was on your mind without fear of being judged. Unfortunately, not even those tight friendships lasted longer than a school year. Something always got in the way. I don’t keep in touch with any of those girls now, and it still hurts my soul to think back on those breakups. Maybe there is room for only one exclusive relationship in our lives at any given time, and Brian is mine: we love each other deeply, we accept each other completely, and he listens to ANYTHING I want to say without judgment. So why do I need a girlfriend? Maybe to talk about him 😛

Since Brian has filled my exclusive-friendship hole, I am afraid that all my other friends may have jumped to a secondary plane in my life. I might never get that kind of closeness out of a friendship with a girl ever again. Does this mean that I’ll never really get to know my girlfriends? Are we just pleasant acquaintances who tell each other what we want to hear for support, while really judging each other’s lives and opinions at the same time? Have we lost that sense of loyalty we had when we were little? Whatever happened to accepting without judgment?

My sister Tina Fey thinks this is all completely normal and I might be being too hard on myself. We had lunch today and pondered the reality of adult girl-on-girl friendships. She admitted to judging her friends and simply wondered how could she NOT? She couldn’t help but thinking that some of her friends were lazy, or that they didn’t seem to get their act together with any kind of assertiveness. I chuckled several nervous laughs: are we allowed to say what we really think of our friends? The point was that it might not be right or appropriate to gossip and say nasty things about our own friends, but we THINK those things anyway, and we ALL do. It was refreshing to know that other girls judge one another, too, and that does not mean that we have to stop being friends. As long as we are able to accept those differences and still enjoy spending time together, the friendship is as normal as they come. So maybe I won’t be judging myself friendless after all 🙂

To my friends: I am not perfect, and I know you are not either, but I do actually care about you, even when we do things differently. What I can offer you is a friendly ear to listen, a jovial disposition to have a good time, and an uncontrollable desire to help you find happiness. Sometimes this urge may make me appear controlling and judgmental, and I am sorry for that in advance. All I really want is for you to happy and for your dreams to come true. And when I need a shoulder to cry on, I know you will be there for me, too… even if you think the reason I’m crying about is totally stupid.

To help our friendship survive despite our human flaws, I vow to ask myself before I speak: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

Good luck to all you “friends” out there. Sounds like we’ll all need it.

ina