I am very very upset. A good friend, whom we call Alicia Keys on this blog, just blew me off for getting together for the third time in the past 3 months. I am sure there is a logical explanation for the trouble coordinating our calendars, but without an outright clear reason in sight, my mind is bound to embark on a self-bashing journey.
Possible reasons why my friend won’t agree to see me:
Mea Culpa:
- I did something to piss her off
- I behave selfishly: I talk about myself too much / I don’t ask her about her life enough
- Neglect: I don’t call her enough
- I lack the self-awareness to list the correct reason on this list, which is a problem in itself
Her Culpa:
- She’s busy and getting together with me is low on the list
- She’s mad at me and doesn’t think there’s much point to discussing it with me
- She’s embarrassed that she has blown me off so much already and prefers the phone over facing me
- She has done something I may disapprove of and doesn’t want to look at herself in this mirror
- Something personal/private is really going on in her life and she’s not interested or inclined to share it
I’ve been on both sides of the equation: I have blown off friends, and I’ve been on the receiving end of a slowly dying friendship. Karma is, indeed, a bitch.
I guess all I can do is be patient. If I’m being blown off on purpose, it will be obvious when communications stop altogether. If the friendship is worth it and meant to be, our paths will cross again and things will be alright. Maybe even stronger than before, after the hardship.
On the other hand, it makes you wonder whether things could have been remediated by talking them out. All too often we let friendships go because we won’t talk about our issues. At the same time, it’s crucial to identify whether the friendship has reached a toxicity level that may be unbearable to at least one of the parties. That takes knowing yourself and knowing what you can and cannot change about yourself. It takes being honest and not victimizing your position.
If Alicia has decided that our friendship is toxic and the fundamentals that make a friendship work are just not there (such as mutual trust, respect and unconditional be-there-ness), then I’ll have no choice but to respect that. After all, friendships are a two-way street.
I sure hope it’s a fixable issue… I just won’t know until we talk again. In the meantime, I am just dying a little bit inside every minute that goes by.
I’m sure it’s nothing… I’m just blowing this way out of proportion.
ina