Ever since writing the Frenemies post, I have been quite uneasy. I can’t stop thinking of myself as a bad person for judging my friends, which has led me to ask myself: Why do I judge? What is it about their lives that I find so threatening to the point of having feelings about what they do or don’t do?
"El que se pica, es porque ají come" — literally translated, this expression means "If you feel the burn, it must be because you ate a hot chili pepper."* In other words, if you find offense to something someone else said, it’s probably because of your own insecurities in the matter. This is also known as a challenge of identity.
To further illustrate this point, take this example: Mary and Jimmy are talking about Joe, a common friend. Mary says that Joe is a bum for not getting a job. Jimmy, who has a great job and has worked really hard to keep it in this economy, will probably agree with Mary and think that Joe could be working harder on getting his life back together.
Now pretend that Jimmy is unemployed and hasn’t been able to find a job for a year, and it’s not for lack of trying! When Mary says that Joe is a bum for not getting a job, you might find Jimmy adopting a defensive stance: "that’s not fair! There are NO jobs out there!" — do you think that Jimmy is standing up for Joe because he’s his friend? Or is he really standing up for himself and his own identity, which has now come into question EVEN when the comment wasn’t about him?
Actually, in both cases you can see that Jimmy has a feeling about the comment, but it’s not about Joe at all. Who cares what Joe does or doesn’t do? It’s really Jimmy’s identity that is being targeted in both occasions, and that is what Jimmy is responding to. If this was really about Joe, Jimmy’s personal situation would not affect his reaction to Mary’s comment. Jimmy is just as much Joe’s friend when he has a job than when he doesn’t.
So really, when we judge our friends, we are simply looking at ourselves in the mirror.
So, what is it about my friends’ perspectives that challenge my own identity? I’d like to explore this a little more. I know it’s not them, so what is it about me that I find is being questioned?
ina
* A close equivalent English expression would be “if the shoe fits, wear it” — although maybe not quite.