Change Freak Out

I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out.
I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out.
I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out.
I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out.
I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out.
I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out.
I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out.

Over the weekend I submitted a few applications for Math positions near my hometown. I even submitted one for Northeastern University. I submitted a couple more today. I was (and still am) very very nervous, and I hadn’t been able to talk to my husband, Brian, in full about this yet. He was sick all weekend and it was just a bad time to talk.

Last night I told him how nervous and scared I was. I guess I was expecting him to tell me that it was going to be OK and that I was doing all the right things, but instead, he revealed his true concerns (which is OK, it was just not what I needed to hear). He asked me what things I needed in a job that I am not getting from my current one. My answers:

1. Interaction with people: All of my interaction is with people over the phone or email. I do not work with anybody in this office.
2. Recognition for a job well done: I don’t care about what I do, I don’t get appreciation when I do it, and I get the impression that my boss doesn’t care about it either. So why am I doing it?

Brian then went on to say that those things might be available in his company at a position that he thinks I would be great at. He said he knew that’s not what I wanted to hear, but he thought I was really good at project management and I would be working with a lot of people and clients every day. He said that every person who works in that team at his office actually worked in my company at one point or another, and now they LOVE their jobs. He thinks this change might have a more positive effect on me.

I rolled over away from him.

I would hate to wake up one day two years from now and realize that I am now two more years into a career I don’t like or have ever enjoyed. It’s even worse, though, because now I’d be in a company where my own husband works and it might not look great on him if I quit after two years. Also, it’ll be harder to leave a new job, rather than an old one. I am afraid that if I don’t give teaching a shot now, I will always have that as my potential Plan B, and always go through this freak-out every time I think about changing careers.

Is it really so wrong to try this out for a year or so? Would it hurt anyone if I just changed now? If I didn’t like it, then who cares. I’ll come back to corporate. My experience and education are not going anywhere. I have demonstrated consistency and excellence in performance for 7 years. I could always spin the year I spent teaching as a wonderful experience and as something that was a dream of mine to try.

Would a company really not hire me for having taken a year off to try something new? Seriously? Am I going to become completely unmarketable if I take a year off to do this? Who’s to say I’d even want to go back to corporate?

I am so freaking out about this change right now. I’m hyperventilating and depressed and I can’t think straight.

ina