Getting it together

I’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed and I want to be done feeling sorry for myself. It’s time to write a cleansing blog post to get the ideas in order in my head.

Warning: despite the relative shortness of this post, it will be a BORING one. So you might want to spare yourself and use this time to google something that’s been on your mind instead, like “best quick chicken recipe” or “how can I donate to NPR when there are no fund drives going on” or “why does everybody hate LeBron James?” – I assure you these searches would be a much wiser use of your time.

The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, so here it goes: Houston, I have a problem. My problem is that I don’t know what my problem is, so I continue to put my finger on the wrong single possible causes. I know it’s not just one thing, and it’s definitely not a single SIMPLE thing.

The second step is to make a list of the clutter in my head. Perhaps this list hides within it the key to my current state. The first person to accurately spot that one gem will get a big prize! (In the form of a “screw you! You don’t even know me! What’s on YOUR list??” Yeah, I know, kinda hostile… sigh… I’m sorry dude or dudette… if you’ve read this far it means you might actually care about this, so I should have saved the insults for the assholes that stopped reading at the warning to google “how do I know when I’m not being a caring person?”). So here’s the list:

• I am bored at work
• I want to make time to learn industry software programming languages
• I want to keep writing my story
• I am currently feeling rejected by someone I know. This one actually takes a lot more of my brain CPU than I care to admit.
• I can’t seem to stop eating desserts
• I just took a long vacation but still don’t feel rested (as an aside, I should plan a vacation where the only items on the itinerary are to clean the house and take Baby G out for play dates)
• Every weekend through August has been booked, including two away trips
• I am bored at work
• I am hungry all the time and want to snack all the time
• My sleep schedule is all out of whack
• I’m conflicted about continuing to breastfeed due to the time and interruption involved in pumping multiple times throughout the day, despite its irreplaceable benefits to Baby G
• I have ideas for summer projects but I’m not actively pursuing any of them
• When I get home all I want to do is lie on the couch and watch TV until I fall asleep in my work clothes and make-up and unbrushed teeth, like a bum (thanks to my hubby for rescuing me and making me get ready for bed every time)
• I want chocolate. Yes, right now.
• I like my new haircut, but my mood prevents me from truly enjoying it (I think we got a winner!)

(Pause to get off at Back Bay station, home of the 2 Dunkin Donuts, to buy a coffee cake muffin with which I proceeded to stuff my face while enduring judgmental looks from some skinny b*tch across the aisle. What do you know about my pain, lady??? — ok, I can definitely hear the hostility now)

• I have the feeling I should be looking for a new job or at least looking for more website jobs, but I’m too downtrotten to do it
• Part of me is stressed out over talking to my boss about my job. Truth is that I feel she doesn’t give me challenging assignments because she doesn’t think I can do them. How to phrase that in a non-confrontational way escapes the range of my diplomatic abilities.
• I’m bothered about the fact that I don’t have Carrie Underwood’s voice (ok, this one just might actually take the cake)
• I haven’t confessed or been to church in so long that I don’t think they’ll let me back in #CatholicNoFlyList
• Time appears to continue rolling by without making any stops for me to figure stuff out (is that happening to everyone out there too, or is it just me?)

I’m sure I’m just scratching the surface here… I’m too close to the project to even recognize any themes. English majors wanted for analysis.

Next step: create a schedule that includes time to veg, time to write, time to do web stuff and time to learn something new. Mmm… that’s too much.

Take two: designate certain weeks for certain activities. This week will be web week (finish pending jobs and documentation). Next week can be writing week. The following week can be something else week. Ay, just thinking about it is giving me an ulcer. I just want to rest, man. Just rest.

Take three: REST is the word. Give myself permission to leave my mini laptop at home and just do nothing. Rest my mind. For… two weeks? Ok! So July will be the month to get stuff done! I will give myself permission to just make dinner and hang out with Baby G and clean up for the rest of the month!

Believe it or not, that plan still gives me an ulcer. It doesn’t address ANY of my worries!

Time for a break. We’ll try again next time.

ina