Tag: Not Happy

I’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed and I want to be done feeling sorry for myself. It’s time to write a cleansing blog post to get the ideas in order in my head.

Warning: despite the relative shortness of this post, it will be a BORING one. So you might want to spare yourself and use this time to google something that’s been on your mind instead, like “best quick chicken recipe” or “how can I donate to NPR when there are no fund drives going on” or “why does everybody hate LeBron James?” – I assure you these searches would be a much wiser use of your time.

The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, so here it goes: Houston, I have a problem. My problem is that I don’t know what my problem is, so I continue to put my finger on the wrong single possible causes. I know it’s not just one thing, and it’s definitely not a single SIMPLE thing.

The second step is to make a list of the clutter in my head. Perhaps this list hides within it the key to my current state. The first person to accurately spot that one gem will get a big prize! (In the form of a “screw you! You don’t even know me! What’s on YOUR list??” Yeah, I know, kinda hostile… sigh… I’m sorry dude or dudette… if you’ve read this far it means you might actually care about this, so I should have saved the insults for the assholes that stopped reading at the warning to google “how do I know when I’m not being a caring person?”). So here’s the list:

• I am bored at work
• I want to make time to learn industry software programming languages
• I want to keep writing my story
• I am currently feeling rejected by someone I know. This one actually takes a lot more of my brain CPU than I care to admit.
• I can’t seem to stop eating desserts
• I just took a long vacation but still don’t feel rested (as an aside, I should plan a vacation where the only items on the itinerary are to clean the house and take Baby G out for play dates)
• Every weekend through August has been booked, including two away trips
• I am bored at work
• I am hungry all the time and want to snack all the time
• My sleep schedule is all out of whack
• I’m conflicted about continuing to breastfeed due to the time and interruption involved in pumping multiple times throughout the day, despite its irreplaceable benefits to Baby G
• I have ideas for summer projects but I’m not actively pursuing any of them
• When I get home all I want to do is lie on the couch and watch TV until I fall asleep in my work clothes and make-up and unbrushed teeth, like a bum (thanks to my hubby for rescuing me and making me get ready for bed every time)
• I want chocolate. Yes, right now.
• I like my new haircut, but my mood prevents me from truly enjoying it (I think we got a winner!)

(Pause to get off at Back Bay station, home of the 2 Dunkin Donuts, to buy a coffee cake muffin with which I proceeded to stuff my face while enduring judgmental looks from some skinny b*tch across the aisle. What do you know about my pain, lady??? — ok, I can definitely hear the hostility now)

• I have the feeling I should be looking for a new job or at least looking for more website jobs, but I’m too downtrotten to do it
• Part of me is stressed out over talking to my boss about my job. Truth is that I feel she doesn’t give me challenging assignments because she doesn’t think I can do them. How to phrase that in a non-confrontational way escapes the range of my diplomatic abilities.
• I’m bothered about the fact that I don’t have Carrie Underwood’s voice (ok, this one just might actually take the cake)
• I haven’t confessed or been to church in so long that I don’t think they’ll let me back in #CatholicNoFlyList
• Time appears to continue rolling by without making any stops for me to figure stuff out (is that happening to everyone out there too, or is it just me?)

I’m sure I’m just scratching the surface here… I’m too close to the project to even recognize any themes. English majors wanted for analysis.

Next step: create a schedule that includes time to veg, time to write, time to do web stuff and time to learn something new. Mmm… that’s too much.

Take two: designate certain weeks for certain activities. This week will be web week (finish pending jobs and documentation). Next week can be writing week. The following week can be something else week. Ay, just thinking about it is giving me an ulcer. I just want to rest, man. Just rest.

Take three: REST is the word. Give myself permission to leave my mini laptop at home and just do nothing. Rest my mind. For… two weeks? Ok! So July will be the month to get stuff done! I will give myself permission to just make dinner and hang out with Baby G and clean up for the rest of the month!

Believe it or not, that plan still gives me an ulcer. It doesn’t address ANY of my worries!

Time for a break. We’ll try again next time.

ina

I hate to start blogging again on such a down note, but I guess that’s what makes me want to write in the first place… so you’ll just have to deal with it, I guess.

I just met with a financial planner. Let me first start by saying that HE sought ME out through LinkedIn and set up the meeting with ME. My husband and I got our stuff together when it comes to finances, so I didn’t think I needed any advice. I mostly agreed because he sounded nice on the phone, and because last time I met with a financial adviser I ended up tracking my income/expenses which started the whole financial-savvy that I enjoy today. So nothing bad could really come out of this. Right? Wrong.

We talked about a few things, where he said we’d be working to meet my goals. Then he asked me to rank my priorities from most important to least important to me. I started from the bottom (the ones that I care the least about) and worked my way up. He asked me why I didn’t care so much about death provisions or long term disability provisions. I told him because the risk was low, and because if one of us were to go away, the other would certainly be able to figure out how to live within their means. He looked at me skeptically, so I asked him what that look was for. He said that it is not true that we would be “alright” if one of us went away. I asked him why he thought that, and he said that a single parent on a single person’s salary would not be able to afford the house we have, and would certainly not be able to save for college as well as for retirement. I told him I disagreed: if we had to, we could certainly live below our means, move to a smaller house, keep saving for retirement, and continue to have my father save up for our son’s college. It’s a matter of knowing how to live within your means. He said that I had no idea what I was talking about. I started to get defensive.

He said that what he was hearing from me was that if I were not around anymore, I would not mind my husband and son living in a shack somewhere with no electricity or running water. To which I responded: “nah… they can have electricity.” I was kind of joking. Then he asked about the life insurance, and I again told him that we get it from work, and it’s not our main priority. At this point I’m starting to wonder why he’s focusing on the things I care least about, and not the things I care most about. I mean, I thought we were supposed to align our plan with our goals…

So he said that unless we understood that we needed a $1MM life insurance policy on each other, he didn’t think we would be a good fit to work together.

Um… come again?

He said that health was THE foundation to financial planning, and if we didn’t see that, then there was no point in continuing the discussion. He said it nicer, but I knew what he meant.

I told him: “So I’m basically going to go home to my husband and tell him that I scared you off” — to which he made a face that translated into “yeah, basically.”

So he said we should have a conversation on the phone with Brian and see where to go from here. I was so crestfallen at that point that I looked like I had just been broken up with. Really. It was heartbreaking.

He shook my hand and said goodbye, but he stayed sitting and took out his smartphone. So I stood up… and left…

It was the saddest scene you’ve ever seen.

So… do I need a $1MM life insurance? I don’t think so… I feel like it’s a morbid way to reassure your future, and it is unnecessary. It’s like you are placing a big bet on your significant other kicking the bucket. I do NOT want to benefit from something as horrible as that. I can’t even imagine. It’s just too morbid it doesn’t feel right.

There is a reason why the entire world looked down upon banks who hedged their portfolios by creating products that would succeed if the housing market fell. If you look at it objectively, it is a solid business call. But if you really look at it, the bank is benefiting from the loss that affected millions of people! That’s how life insurance feels to me. I have a basic life insurance that would help my husband navigate the awfulness of the situation and be able to support his lifestyle until he can figure things out. But $1MM? I’m sorry, but that is excessive, unnecessary, and a jinx.

This post is actually making me feel better. Maybe I don’t want to work with that guy after all. Set up a meeting with him or not? I guess I don’t care much for it. They are hound dogs, those financial people, aren’t they? Pff. Keep your judgment for someone who needs it, buddy.

ina

I am having issues. “What else is new?” you may be wondering…

Let me start with an anecdote. Yesterday we had a family softball game with Brian’s entire father’s side of the family. Most of the people were in the backyard with the grill and the food and the games, while I was inside helping Brian’s cousin’s wife, Robin, who is a new mother, with something to drink and to eat while she nursed. Being 7 months pregnant, I took an interest in chatting with her and get any advice she’d be willing to give. At one point, her husband, Luke, came in and asked if she wanted anything to eat. I was starting to get hungry, so I just said, half jokingly (but half not) how I wish I had a husband who would take care of me and bring me food. They called his name a couple of times, but Brian couldn’t hear very well outside and wasn’t convinced he was being called so he just ignored it. So Luke said he could get me some food, to which I responded that it’s not his job, and I’ll go get it myself.

When I ran into Brian outside, I told him how I wish he was the one to bring me food (again, half-joking, half not), and he said “oh I’m sorry, I’ve been here busy taking care of the dogs, and I’m worried that one of them is tired and hasn’t had any water.” So I said “no worries, I know where I stand in priority when it comes to the dogs” and he said “yeah, I’m glad you do!” He thought it was a clever comeback, but considering I was actually really wishing he was being more attentive, I took it to heart. I think that’s when it all started coming down.

I waited around for my burger, but it took a while to be ready… so I was hungry and just trying to keep busy, when I really just wanted to get off my feet.

Finally the food came and I went to find a spot to sit. I saw my husband standing next to an empty folding chair, leaning on the back of the seat with one hand, and holding a can of Coke with the other, so I thought I’d sit by him and maybe get to spend some time together and get over whatever these stupid feelings against him were. When I sat down, he lost his grip and spilled Coke on the chair and the back of my shirt. I got up immediately, and I apologized profusely… this didn’t help my state of mind. Now I was thinking “I’m such an inconvenience for him that I’m just making things worse by being around him.” So I took my food and sat elsewhere. I could feel tears welling up, but I tried to absorb them.

I needed napkins and a drink, but I felt like such a bother, I didn’t want to ask for help. Finally I swallowed my pride and a couple of people were kind enough to bring me napkins and a water bottle. So there I was, sitting on a folding chair, plate in one hand, closed water bottle in the other… until someone offered to open the bottle for me. With a big sigh of surrender, I said yes, I needed help. That’s when the tears started pouring out and there was no hiding them.

I got up as discreetly as I could, and went to sit on a bench at the front of the house, and I just started bawling. Turns out my husband had noticed where I had gone, and he followed behind me. He sat next to me and asked me what was wrong as many times as it took for me to realize that maybe I should say something, no matter how stupid I felt I was being, and how much I felt I shouldn’t be penalizing him for something he has NO idea he was (or wasn’t) doing to me.

So I told him the story, while still crying my eyes out, and added that we are caught in a vicious cycle: he has NEVER had to be so attentive with me because I have always been very independent, and because I pride myself in being independent, I don’t ask for help. The way I think about it is: I don’t need him to move heavy stuff for me, I don’t need him to open jars for me, I don’t need him to go to the store and get me something, I don’t need him to bring me water when I’m thirsty. I don’t NEED him. I never have. So in essence I’m asking him to do something he has never had to do for me before: to be attentive and preemptive about my needs. I’m also putting myself in a very vulnerable position: recognizing that I do need help.

He understood the conundrum, and he gave himself credit for being attentive whenever he did notice I needed help… unfortunately, it’s not very often.

Is this really happening? Am I really relinquishing my independence for the sake of getting my husband to pay me more attention? I have always prided myself in not needing help… and now that I do need it, I’m having a very difficult time accepting my shortcomings.

Does this ring a bell with anyone out there? Or is it my hormones that are making these little matters bigger than they actually need to be? Just wondering…

ina

Photo Credit: http://askmissalpha.com/2010/07/the-myth-of-the-independent-woman/

I was talking to my husband, Brian, last night. I told him I was feeling a little lost lately.

For the longest time (many many years) I have been coming up with little ideas for things to do. Things that may seem crazy, but totally doable to me. Some of those things came to fruition, like volunteering at hospitals and a suicide hotline to help people; and some never took off, like my wanting to perform a comedy routine. My brain was always going. Anytime I’d say to Brian “so, I’ve been thinking…” he’d freak out “Oh no! What are you thinking of this time???” It was my thing.

But now… now… I’ve settled into an unproductive groove. Ideas are still there (write a book, work on the comedy routine, think of a way to get some side income, and others), but I stop the idea even before it starts brewing. After all, what are the odds I’ll actually carry it through this time around? I’ve been discouraging myself by citing my inconsistent record back to myself.

And so I do nothing. I come home at night, figure out dinner, and get to bed by 9:30. Repeat 5x/week. Then weekends come and I look forward to doing laundry, going to piano lesson, and having some time to spend with Brian. Nothing happens. Nothing changes.

Ever feel like you’ve reached a lull? But then you remember that when things were crazy busy and you were stressed out you wished you had nothing else to do? Looks like we can’t have it all. I don’t want to be crazy busy again… I just want to feel a little more fulfilled.

Any ideas on how to get started? What motivates you to get off your bum and shake things up?

ina

Photo Credit: Debbie Downer image

Oh, Caf, why do I hate thee so much? Let me count the ways.

1. The only way to get to you is by walking through mounds of trash, which smell a LOT
2. Your staff is unfriendly at best, rude at worst.
3. You stink
4. Your healthy choices account for only 25% of your offerings
5. You smell like trash

Add one more reason at the end: sexual harassment. Here’s how it went:

ina walks by a certain gentleman who’s dressed in scrubs and resting against a column.

man: Hi, sweetie (seizes ina up and down)
ina: (goes back) Excuse me?
man: I said hello, sweetie (sleezy smirk appears across his face)
ina: (serious tone, obviously pissed) Don’t do that. It’s disrespectful. We don’t know each other. (ina walks away)

ina gets hummus from the deli, walks by the man again to go to the cash registers.

man: I won’t do it again… (same smirk!!!)
ina: Thank you.

I wanted to get the hell out of there!

Dear Caf, I don’t think I like you anymore.

ina

I woke up this morning in complete anguish.

I had just had a dream where there was a HUGE ASS bat living between the ceiling boards of the house I shared with my sister and my father somewhere out in the country. Since the shower was in a woodsy open-ceiling room, the bat was inevitably close and I could never finish showering without screaming my heart out first.

At one point I was in the living room and the bat came flying towards me. I managed to get a baseball bat and knock it down, ultimately pinning it between the bat and the furniture I was sitting in, by the throat. Now, go back and read that sequence of events and imagine me SCREAMING the entire time. It was still moving, so I pressed hard on its neck until it died.

Turns out that the huge ass bat wasn’t the only thing living up there, there was a black cat, and who knows what other animals were lurking right above us. We called an exterminator, who finished the job. In the meantime, there was other drama brewing. My sister, whom we call Tina Fey, was pregnant and she didn’t even know it! And here’s the shocker: she was farther along than I was! She had been pregnant for 6 months, but never really lost her figure. There was her boyfriend just kind of shrugging… they had no idea what was going on.

When the baby was going to come, the people who came out of the room were my former maid (big woman), a huge ass man (really, like a wall), holding a HUGE ASS baby. All the while I kept thinking how on Earth she managed to deliver that size baby.

After the dream, and fast awakening into the real world, I kept remembering all these little things that upset me at one time. Like the time that pretentious girl offered to be my mentor, when we were both at the same level in the company, and she wasn’t even a team leader (that required balls on her part, didn’t it?). Or like my last day at my old company, when one of my mentors (the ONLY person I could call a mentor in that office) decided not to come in for my goodbye lunch and we never said a proper goodbye. In fact, none of the people I worked with showed up to the goodbye lunch. Only my friends did. I still find that extremely upsetting and a slap in the face. What an unceremonious end to my career at the company I devoted 8 years of my life to.

Other little things started coming to mind for no reason at all. As a result, I’ve started out the day feeling quite upset. It’s just one of those days it doesn’t pay to get out of bed.

ina

Photo Credit: http://thomaspierce.tumblr.com/page/2

Ever since my husband left me, things have been in a state of disarray both physically (around the house), and mentally.

Ok, so he didn’t really *leave me*, but that’s how it feels! Brian had to go take care of some needy clients in California for a week, so he’s been gone since last Wednesday. After he left, the cold that had been brewing inside me finally exploded and I spent Friday through Monday fighting off a burning sinus infection. I was the very definition of the sick and the lame (and lonely).

Thanks to my amazingly maternal sister-in-law, and my super duper mother-in-law, I was slowly nursed back to health and spent most of the weekend away from home being fed and taken care of. I’m lucky to have them around being so willing to help. They really went the extra mile for me.

So let’s come back to disorder: my house is a mess, my sinuses are a mess, I have not finished a single book I have started reading (I got like 4 incomplete books under my belt right now), I’m dealing with the inevitable pregnancy worrier syndrome (“is this affecting my baby???”), and I’m too sick and tired to take on cleaning the house all by myself.

Disorder. That’s what I call this midpoint state between complete chaos and perfect harmony. I long for the days when I had nothing to do when I got home. Lately I’ve been so overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done that I have accomplished nothing at all.

Here’s wishing you a more productive rest of the week than mine has been so far,

ina

I got the day off today for MLK holiday, and it was the worst day ever. My husband, Brian, decided to work so he could get an additional couple days off work later on, so I was all by myself in the house all day.

If you know anything about me it is that I can’t be alone without getting completely down and low. Well, today did not disappoint. However, by moving one inch at a time, I did manage to (1) Finish all our laundry; (2) Keep myself fed; and (3) Bring most of our books down from upstairs to the new location of our bookcases, downstairs.

It was a slow day, filled with Netflix Instant Queue movies (such as Brothers (2009) and An Education (2009)) and tears of loneliness.

I just hope that this week picks up at work and I feel a little more useful than I have been feeling there recently. Right now, though, I just want to crawl into bed with Brian and stay there until I’m bored enough to get up out of my own volition. In other words, hit the reset button in my body and try this one more time.

Hope you had a better holiday, and an even better week.

ina

PS: title of this post obtained from a song in the hilarious movie “Team America: World Police”

Hellooooo… is anyone out there?… can anyone hear me?…

I think I have taken this “say No more often” rule a little too far. I am bored out of my mind.

Lately I have been coming straight home from work, watching TV, going to sleep, then going to work the next morning and start the cycle all over again. I’m not doing anything new or exciting, and I’m seriously starting to feel the consequences of it.

I know there is a bigger world out there. Bigger than the little world of work-home-bed I have been living in for the past couple of weeks. I don’t know how Brian (husband) does it. He could live in his own little world, undisturbed, forever and ever. I have this NEED to get out and explore other worlds.

I need a new obsession. I need a new thing to do. Piano is still there, and I’m still playing it and enjoying it, but I’m not obsessed with it. I need something new and exciting. I need a new goal. Something new to study for, maybe? Something with a deadline?

Any suggestions?

ina

Photo Credit: Psychologytoday.com

I’m feeling a little bit better today than I did yesterday, and I felt a little better yesterday than I did the day before. I think some would call this progress.

I have had so much on my mind these past couple of weeks. Applications to teaching positions, finding out about the profession, finding out about OTHER professions, plus being sick, it’s all just crashing on me at once, and I’m just completely weakened by it.

Christine, Halfawake, Erin, thank you so much for your comments. I appreciate the advice. Yes, I find blogging therapeutic, I will look into the inspirational quotes website, and Erin, I learned to never take a book recommendation from you again! I’m joking. I’ll check out your book rec. I like inspirational stories, they really lift you up. It’s like when you see those depression drug commercials: I see the people on the screen moping around and not feeling like doing anything, and I feel like taking them by the hand and taking them out for a walk or just to do SOMETHING. The ads definitely make me want to take action, not take medication 😉 If you got how this relates to inspirational stories, I’ll give you a medal.

I’m happy to report that I have 2 weeks left of school. Isn’t that unbelievable? I will finish Summer I on June 30th, and then I’ll just have a week-long intensive class on the last week of July, and it’s finito. No more school for me. For goodness sake, I have been in school longer than I have been married. It’s definitely time to graduate and get on with my life. I look forward to having evenings off. Ahh, that’ll be the life.

Here are some things I’m looking forward to:

• Trip to Orlando next week (yeeeaahhh)
• Trip to Austin in 2 weeks (gonna go see my babies! — niece & nephew)
• Finishing school (as mentioned above)
• Getting bored so I can think of fun things to fill my time with, for instance:
  • Acting (I used to be quite good in my prime)
  • Singing (not AWESOME at it, I just love doing it)
  • Teaching Spanish to friends and Brian
  • Reading books / Join a bookclub
  • Writing more
  • Exercising (it’s time to start using that gym membership)
  • Seeing friends more
  • Something else I haven’t come up with yet

Those are just some things I think about. However, there is no escaping a very hard truth: finishing school will NOT solve all of my problems. I’ll still be back here blogging about what to do with my life and how confused I am. I’m starting to think I’ll need “settle down and stop thinking so much” medication… OR I’ll have to figure out how to control my hyperactive mind.

A friend asked me recently if I had ever met anybody who jumped from idea to idea as quickly as I did, and someone who actually took action on it, the way I do. I do have one friend who doesn’t know what to do with her life and sometimes takes some kind of action to find out. But she’s probably 50% as obsessed as I am. Am I really alone out there? Is there anybody else out there who would like to take crazy classes with me, or change careers with me? Mmmm.

This is quite enough rambling I think…

♫ Listening to: Taylor Swift – White Horse ♫

ina

Hello world.

I think there should be an app akin to the one that checks your drunken state before you text or email someone, but that prevents you from blogging if you’re feeling down… Like right now.

I am tired, nervous, anxious, nervous, down, nervous. It’s not a good nervous, though. It’s a level of stress that I’m not comfortable with. Why can’t I translate nervousness to excitement? Anxiety to anticipation? A frown to a smile?

That got me thinking that there must be a formula out there for an immediate pick-me-up. Right, drugs, but I’m thinking of something more natural. Maybe a book of jokes, good quotes, a Voicemail from your husband saying how much he loves you, I mean, there has got to be a way to beat the blues.

Taylor Swift reads her myspace comments when she’s having a bad day… Too bad not all of us have an unlimited arsenal of love or a fan club.

What do you do to cheer up?

ina

I just found out, by pure happenstance, that I am now officially too old to audition for American Idol.

I was having lunch with a couple of coworkers, who are in their 40s/50s, and I mentioned to them how much I love to sing karaoke. The next comment was predictable: “so have you auditioned for Idol?” my answer is always the same “I would LOVE to do it one day! I know my voice is not good enough to make it through, I just want to go through the experience just to say I did it” — the next comment was NOT something I could have foreseen: “well, you better do it fast, the age limit is 28.” WHAT??????? I had NEVER heard of age limits for A.I. before!!! Why didn’t anybody tell me this before I went and turned 29 two weeks ago???

American Idol is one of those shows that I used to watch (we’re talking seasons 1 and 2), but I decided to stop. While a season was in progress, I would fantasize about being adored by Paula, Randy and Simon. I would pick a song to sing that would highlight my talents and make them go Wow. After the audition phase ended, though, the fantasy was over. If I wanted to hear people sing well, I’d buy a CD. I didn’t care much for the “look at us, we are awesome singers” part of the show. So I just stopped watching it altogether. I never discarded the possibility of auditioning, but I could never put enough importance on it to take a day off from work to stand in line for hours just to be heard for 10 seconds. Now that I can never do it, I am heartbroken.

I guess there ARE some things I’ll never get to do before I turn 30.

ina

Whatever happened to "there are no stupid questions"?

Last night in class we were talking about the general performance of companies depending on their business strategy. Considering that each strategy being discussed was vastly different from one another, and the companies being analyzed could be of varying types and sizes, I thought to myself "they can’t be measuring performance based on profits.. they must be measuring based on some relative ratio for it to be a fair comparison," so I raised my hand and asked the teacher to define "performance" and whether it was by profit margin. She made a face like I had just asked her what class was I sitting in. She answered "profitability" which still didn’t answer my question, and made me feel like I was the dumbest person in the room.

To add insult to injury, she has the audacity to email me today a 5-paragraph email asking me what was the "source" of my question, because it was clear throughout the semester and all the readings that performance is measured by profits.

So I guess there are stupid questions after all.

I replied explaining to her that it was not fair to measure such vastly different companies and strategies based on an absolute value of revenue minus costs, and it made more sense to measure in relative terms.

I am still waiting for her answer to my original question.

ina

Previous post about Basement Technologies

The people from Basement Technologies (aka Busy Dog) stood us up for the pump installation again yesterday. This time they had even called on Monday to CONFIRM the appointment, and they still didn’t show.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. There is no "Fool me thrice" version of that verse and I don’t want to find out what it is, so we have decided to take our business elsewhere. Now we get to fight with them to get our 30% deposit back.

It all worked out for the best, though. After all, we were acting out of immediate desperation and they were going to charge us an arm and a leg for the pump installation job, plus filling in some cracks. So we will pass on them, and actually shop around and get more quotes. I’m sure we can do at least 30% better than the original price.

Epilogue (9/2/2010): I didn’t trust the sales guy farther than I could throw him anyway. He kept saying my asbestos tile would not be a problem, when in fact I knew that the jackhammers would release asbestos particles to the air, which are toxic. Also, their technology is a GIMMICK: their pipe is SQUARE shaped, which they say works better than others, but really, the corners of the pipe accumulate dirt, which is why they make you get a $200 maintenance every year (if you miss one maintenance year, your warranty is voided). They were by far the worst company we could have gone with.

Read about the company we decided to go with here – Drycrete Waterproofing. It was cheaper, we got amazing attention, and the job was well done and under the timeframe quoted!

Such are the pleasures of home ownership.

You know what, though? Considering that we got the worst possible case scenario of rains now, and it only amounted to a couple of sleepless nights and some days off work, we consider ourselves lucky. There are people who had water up to their windows and others who had to evacuate. We really got off easy.

To luck.

ina

What do you do when you don’t have enough time in the day to do everything you need to do? For instance: prepare for a super important salary negotiation (happening tomorrow); cook the perishable food I bought before it, well, perishes; go to the gym to sign up your significant other before he changes his mind; and work on research for a school team meeting tomorrow.

And you’ll be getting home at 7:30pm. AND you are booked solid with meetings all day tomorrow.

You tell ME!

ina

I am pretty sure I have written about my control freakiness before, so this should come as no surprise to anyone: I am a control freak.

I was watching Modern Family this week, and I totally identified with the mother character who ends up making cupcakes for her daughter because she has no faith in her ability to get anything done right; an awful trait which the daughter exploits to its full potential. I told my husband "that’s going to be me." Isn’t that awful?

The problem is that when I decide not to butt into people’s tasks, they seem to always let me down. At work, when the national leader of the affinity groups sent a message to our communications leader asking him to use the new branding banner for the organization (message in which I was CC’d), I fought the urge to forward that same email to the communications leader AGAIN immediately and just ask him to make sure it happens. Heck, the email was directed at him, and he MUST be responsible enough to comply, right? Wrong. He ended up sending out the exact same (old) banner in the following communication. And who got the reiterative email from the national leader? That’s right: moi.

Or it’s like today. I told my husband 3 times that the Basement Technologies guy was coming over at 4 and we should both be home for that. I told him while he slept, which was not fair, so I left him a written note, and then I called him and even told him to not even think of going to get a hair cut at 3:45, like I think he totally would. He thought it was funny. Well, I got home at 4 o’clock after having lunch with Tina Fey, and his car wasn’t there. So I called him and he said he was at Home Depot returning something, and next he’d be going to Walmart. I asked him if he remembered that he had to be home at 4pm, and he said he’d forgotten and would be on his way.

How am I supposed to stop being a control freak if other people just keep proving me right when I have no faith?

ina

The pump installers, Basement Technologies, called me at 6pm tonight to tell me they overbooked themselves and will not be coming to their appointment tomorrow.

I’m PISSED!!!!

ina

It rained all night and it will rain all day today. I was convinced that I would wake up to a totally flooded basement. Fortunately, that wasn’t the case, but one of the biggest "problem areas" appeared to be moist (the cement was darker in that spot).

I had to head out to work. I would have stayed home, but I left my computer at the office, so I didn’t have much of a choice. I layed down towels, raised the sofa on my little stools, threw caution to the wind (or, more appropriately, to the rain), and left to catch my train.

The sump pump is getting installed tomorrow. The rain just couldn’t wait a couple more days, could it? Sigh.

Cross my fingers for a dry basement when I get home.

ina

This is an official whining blog entry. I don’t want to do homework. I seriously want to just sit on my bum with my arms crossed and whine: I don’t wanna do it! I don’t wanna do it! And you can’t make me!

Whine whine whine cry cry cry don’t wanna do this whine whine whine cry cry cry don’t wanna do this whine whine whine cry cry cry don’t wanna do this whine whine whine cry cry cry don’t wanna do this whine whine whine cry cry cry don’t wanna do this whine whine whine cry cry cry don’t wanna do this whine whine whine cry cry cry don’t wanna do this whine whine whine cry cry cry don’t wanna do this whine whine whine cry cry cry don’t wanna do this whine whine whine cry cry cry don’t wanna do this whine whine whine cry cry cry don’t wanna do this whine whine whine cry cry cry don’t wanna do this whine whine whine cry cry cry don’t wanna do this whine whine whine cry cry cry don’t wanna do this whine whine whine cry cry cry don’t wanna do this whine whine whine cry cry cry don’t wanna do this whine whine whine cry cry cry don’t wanna do this whine whine whine cry cry cry don’t wanna do this

Sigh. Ok, the best I can do is a half-ass job. Let’s see what that would look like and go from there.

Good luck to me.

ina

My husband, Brian, and I are completely opposite people. This really works in our favor most of the time because we can provide each other with a completely different perspective on pretty much anything. Whenever I am about to do something totally impulsive and harsh, I ask him for feedback and he helps me soften my blows. And I love him for that.

Too bad I can’t take him with me on business trips…

There’s this woman at work that if I didn’t see ever again, it would be too soon. She and I were working on a very difficult and totally physically and emotionally draining project 3 years ago. She came to me to give me advice and said that I was taking on too much work, and I should ease up and delegate. I remember being outwardly appreciative of the feedback, but thinking that she was stepping over her bounds trying to "coach" someone who is not her subordinate. But "whatever," I thought. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. The next day, she calls me and tells me that she has decided to dump all her responsibilities on me, and I would be the new leader of her area. This hit me like a pile of bricks. She was caving in under the pressure of the project, and decided (without any authority from the leaders) that she would just hand over all her work to me. That was the first time I ever said "No" to her, and it dawned on me what she meant about taking on so much work and saying "Yes" all the time. Ever since then I have wanted nothing to do with such a two-faced monster. She killed every ounce of trust I still had in her, and I began to avoid her whenever we were in the same room together from that point forward. I’d try to be cordial, but I can’t fake for long periods of time, so I’d always run the other way.

Well, God works in mysterious ways. Turns out that my new role is to take over her current projects, so we’ll have to work together in the transition. I went over to the mother ship for a couple of days and was very much looking forward to getting the transition over with in an hour.

Unfortunately for me, I can’t help my heart from showing on my sleeve, and she can’t ignore social cues that the other person (me) is giving off. So in our meeting, she asked what was wrong. I turned to her and asked her "Do you really want to have this conversation?" and she said yes. So, I let it all out. I even cried and bawled, and my eyes remained puffy for the rest of the day and into the night. Her first reaction was to laugh and make it sound like she "felt bad" for me for having held this grudge for 3 years. I called her on the laughing about this, regretted ever bringing anything up and asked her to get back to the transition presentation. She wouldn’t, for better or for worse. She stayed on the topic and apologized profusely multiple times for causing this kind of aggravation on me. Afterwards, my guard fell a bit, and I thanked her for letting me get it out in the open. I washed my face, and we decided to continue the transition on Monday.

I did honestly feel better after I let it all out, and I thought that maybe I’d feel even better about working with her on the transition the next day, but I don’t feel good. I still have no trust in her whatsoever, and I still hate her whiny high-pitched voice, and I can still see the smirk on her face when she said she "felt so bad" for me.

So what did we learn? Any political-correctness book (or my husband, or my parents, or my boss, or the Big Kahuna) would have told me that I handled it poorly, that I should have addressed it professionally, that I shouldn’t have blown up like that. But that was the most raw and real conversation I will ever have with anybody at work, and although I know I "should have" handled it better, I somehow don’t regret telling her off one bit. What’s the consequence? That I might have damaged the relationship forever? Well, it was already damaged, so it’s not like I could have made things so much worse.

I just hope to leave this behind me and just get the transition over with as quickly as possible.

ina

I’m very busy at work this week while I transition my current job to someone else. I seriously CANNOT wait until the transition is over and I start leading my own projects. I’m also busy at school. We have a big paper due tomorrow, and I am scrambling to get my part done. I’m tired. I’m sick and tired.

I’m also bitter because I’m being a big baby about my friendships situation. Why can’t I be cool calm and collected like adults are supposed to be? I make so much drama in my head. I do this to myself.

ina

I’m not one of those people that give money to the homeless, like Brian is. I’m not one of those people that give $5 or $10 in the collect at Church, like my mother does. I’m just not a money giver when it comes to charities.

In fact, I’m very selfish when it comes to giving. I need to get something out of it. If I give money to a charity raffle, I have to like the prizes. When I volunteered at hospitals, I was getting experience in a hospital environment. When I volunteered at the suicide hotline, I was satisfying an itch I had to help people who were depressed, like I was. When I volunteered to help Sweet Dee and Charlotte with their financial situation, I did it because I love spreadsheets.

In short, I am a selfish charitable giver. But I do have a very soft side for my friends.

The latest charity I’ve been helping with is Angela’s Triathlon fund raiser for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. I donated to her cause (a mere $30 – 1% of her goal), but I’m helping her plan events that hopefully will bring a lot more in. What do I get out of it? I get to use my time for something that means something to my friend, who has given me countless hours of her patient ears to listen to all my complaints and whines.

My friendships do mean a lot to me, and if one of my friends needs something that I can provide, I’m there 100% no matter what. And that’s why I’m putting all my love to Angela’s fund raising.

So when I see that my own friends scurry away when they are asked to help out, I feel hurt that the eagerness to help is not reciprocated.

Maybe people don’t like to spend money on charities (me being Exhibit 1), but isn’t it a common trait we all share to want to help a friend?

When did “Charity” become a four-letter word?

ina

I woke up so discouraged from everything… again. I did have breakfast, so my sugar levels should be fine. Can’t blame it on that this time.

I just really don’t want to go to work today. But if I stayed home I’d probably be even more miserable. So which is it? What do I want?

I finished watching Yes Man (2008) this morning, by the way. It doesn’t deserve more review than I’ve already given it, but just thought I’d mention, for the n^th time, that I can’t wait to finish the MBA so I can have my time back. Next week it will be March, and we can say I only have 6 more months of it! It’s like being in October 2009 and saying it will be March in 6 months… wait, October was a really long time ago… ok, this analogy didn’t help at all. 6 months is a really long time… But it’s less than a year! 🙂

Man, I need new goals… I need to spice up my life… this is not living.

ina

PS: I learned a new HTML tag while writing this entry. <sup> will format the text as superscript. Nifty.

I’m anxious today. Something set me off this morning and I can’t put my finger on what it was.

I was good with my meals yesterday, and I even went to the gym (despite my having been home beforehand and having felt the velvety wonderfulness that is my Apple-logo stamped couch). So I can’t exactly pinpoint any reasonable physical cause for my anxiety this morning.

I hope I get some cleaning done quickly so I can spend the rest of the day setting up for an all-girls party I’m hosting tonight.

Send me your good vibes so my mood picks up, please!

sad ina

Or so I think of myself… then why do I sometimes I get the impression that people just really don’t like me? I can feel it. It’s like a sixth sense. It feels like tension in the air. Like anything I say can and will be used against me. Like people are on guard in my presence.

I haven’t put my finger on the exact issue yet, but I definitely understand the feeling because I have experienced it myself: whenever I encounter a woman who is known for her "I’m right all the time" attitude more than she’s known for her kindness and humility, I become intimidated. It’s not even a reputation thing, it’s something you can tell from the way they talk to others, carry themselves, and how they talk to you the first time you meet. This is the kind of woman that will smile at you, but will not be afraid to say No and call you on anything they disagree with, no matter how insignificant it may be. So you just stay quiet and try not to get into an argument about why she doesn’t want to write her name on her "Hello My Name Is" tag because she thinks people should know her name by now. Or you try to ignore it when you help her out by pointing out that you can get multiple lines on a single cell of Excel by doing Alt+Enter as opposed to using spaces to wrap the text, and she just says "that’s nice, that’s nice" as you’re talking to try to get you to shut up and leave her alone. And you definitely don’t argue when she says she doesn’t have time to do what you asked her to do.

Is that how people see me? That inflexible? Am I so set in my own ways that people have experienced discomfort when they express a different view in my presence?

On the one hand, I recall so many times when I have listened to people talk about things I disagree with and I am polite in either not arguing or saying my point of view without offending the other person. I always think of the possibility that I may be wrong, and many times I even say those words out loud so that there is no doubt: "You are right." My husband hears this a lot, and he extends the same courtesy to me when I am right.

On the other hand, I can’t stop thinking about the feedback I have received from my immediate family. I have been told that I don’t listen and that I never accept that others could be right, especially when they are criticizing me.

Having such conflicting ideas in my head is really creating an internal crisis for me. So what am I? Open-minded and accepting of others’ differences and ideas? Or am I a close-minded won’t-touch-her-with-a-10-ft-pole nutcase that goes around the world intimidating innocent bystanders?

I hope I’m the first, but I’m open to the idea of being wrong about this. Scary thought, though.

ina

I got a call from Verizon yesterday.

I have a bad habit: I pick up the phone when I don’t recognize a phone number, and I call back people who leave me voicemails or send me texts when it’s clear they meant to contact someone else. Usually they are grateful I called back, so they can try again or update their contact lists.

Having said that, I’m usually pretty good at hanging up right away if I hear a pause after I say "hello." That usually means it is an automated system calling a bunch of numbers at once, in which case I’m not interested. For some reason, I did wait this time… It was my cellphone provider.

They called to tell me that I have gone over my text messaging allowance, and it went something like this:

Verizon: We see you have gone over by 102 messages this month, an overage of $11. Let’s see what options are available to increase your plan…
ina: Actually I am not interested in changing my plan at all.
Verizon: But I could check out your account and figure out what happened…
ina: I probably did go over, and I’ll just watch it next time.
Verizon: But there may be a better plan…
ina: Are those plans online? Can I read about them there?
Verizon: Yes…
ina: Ok, I’ll check them out with my husband when I get home and figure it out from there.
Verizon: Ok, I can call you back when you are ready to…
ina: (Begging) PLEASE don’t call me back. We’ll figure it out.
Verizon: Thank you for using Verizon Wireless. Have a good day.
ina: You, too.

I couldn’t believe they called me to shame me about my texting usage! But they have a point. The main reason I’m over is because of Twitter: I get updates from some of my friends as texts, and I always update my status by texting Twitter at 40404.

This is stupid, because we thought that by having a smartphone with email I wouldn’t need texting as much! So I found a Twitter tool online that you can use to EMAIL your updates to Twitter. Just go to twittercounter.com, and sign up for Twittermail (free). It generates a unique and secret email address for you to email your Twitter updates, and ensures that any replies will arrive in your email.

No more expensive texting! Save your financial environment: emails are free 🙂

Hope this tip helps you save some $$$

ina

I got up with the alarm today and left the room (I’m still trying to let Brian get some sleep by not snoozing), but I was stumbling all over the place (so tired). After washing my hands, I went straight for breakfast: put a Gibb muffin in the microwave, and poured myself a huge glass of orange juice (my grandmother used to say that it seemed like I wanted to shower in OJ rather than drink it). Mental note: there’s just a little bit left, should buy more. Then grabbed the butter, a paper towel, a knife and the muffin and went downstairs to the family room with the full intention of lying back down on our brand new couch (which we waited way too much time for and spent way too much money on) while I watched some TV (House, if you must know).

I put my breakfast on an adjacent TV table, I lied down on one side of the sectional, put a couple of blankets on me (oooh warmth), started pulling the TV table closer to me, and WOOOSSHHH!!! the orange juice spilled all over the floor and on the couch. I got up, still half asleep, but rushing as fast as I could, to the laundry room, where we keep the bulk load of paper towels. I must have used a whole roll drying up the mess. I needed it dry ASAP so there would be no damage to the laminate floor (which is not supposed to get wet) or the new couch’s upholstery. I thought Brian would kill me if he found out about the spill, but then I remembered that just last week he had accidentally overheated his Mac’s power cord’s box on the couch, and now the couch has a square imprint on it with the Apple logo embossed in the center… so maybe we could just call it even.

I took the empty glass and the beach-ball sized bunch of wet paper towels up to the kitchen, and poured myself the last of the orange juice that was remaining. Mental note (revised): buy more OJ.

By the time I got back to my cozy blankets, my muffin was cold again. I gave up and ate it anyway.

So, I’m running late for work this morning. You got a problem with that?

ina

[Warning: Stop reading HERE if you’re in a good mood and you’d like to remain that way. This one’s a downer]

You know someone is not in the best state of mind when they tell you “I’m having one of those days.” You’re probably not going to see that phrase accompanied by a smiley face, or followed by “it’s great!” And how do you know that? Because you have been there, too. Someone asks us how we are, and we don’t want to say “sad” or “depressed” or “in desperate need of saving” because that would put too much of a burden on the kind soul who was nice enough to ask in the first place. So we just say “I’m having one of those days.”

It’s raining outside, and it’s having an immensely negative impact on my state of mind. I felt like it was raining even before I got out of bed. I had breakfast, but I was too busy to have lunch until 2:30pm. By then I was so hungry and tired and down that I couldn’t fathom the idea of cooking. I went out and got myself a cheeseless pizza with spinach and onions from Stash’s. I had 4 slices and froze the rest. Why am I telling you about every minute of my day? I don’t know. I guess I just need to put some things out into the world.

I am still planning on going to the gym today. There is an aqua aerobics class tonight, and I want to give it a shot. Even if I still feel down, I will go.

I’m so tired that my eyes just want to close.

How to define it… mmm… let’s see: I am not feeling anxious, though I might be a little depressed. I can’t say I’m depressed unless I feel like crying, and I don’t. I’m definitely down. I could blame it on last night’s dinner, but I don’t want to be such a coward. This happens sometimes, and I need to figure out the fastest way to snap out of it.

Maybe I should just focus on getting some reading done for school, going to the gym, having dinner, buying the ingredients to make Gibb’s Banana Oat Muffins, and just catching up on some sleep. I am dead tired.

It’s hard when these things hit you and you have no idea where they came from. I’m a very fortunate woman and there is no reason for me to feel down. Let’s just wait this one out and try life again tomorrow.

Alright, thanks for reading this far. I’ll hang in there.

ina

You ever hear people say “I’m just talking out loud”? Duh, is there any other way to talk that isn’t out loud? I cringe every time I hear it. What they actually mean to say is “Thinking out loud.” Well, that’s what I meant to say in the title. This is a brainstorming post.

I just basically took a 4 day break from my job to try to bring my revs down to zero, in order to reboot my system, since I didn’t get much of a holiday vacation. I have 1 day left, and I really didn’t want to waste it lounging around, taking long naps and watching endless hours of TV. I don’t want this break to have been for naught. So let’s summarize the parts of my brain that have been unscrambled during this break:

1. I have plenty of time on my hands, and I’m scared to death of not using it wisely, which leads to my never doing or accomplishing anything.
2. I know that a balanced diet and exercise will automatically boost my well-being, but I’m having a really hard time getting started.
3. Sometimes I think I would rather have an existence with low expectations than strive for success in whatever I choose to focus on. Success seems exhausting. Isn’t this the definition of “lazy”?
4. Even though it feels like I’m not doing anything fruitful, I AM attending school and I will get an MBA degree out of it in just 8 months. But even I know that this degree will not bring me happiness.
5. I’m depleting my energy by worrying, instead of using it to visualize my desired future and going for it.
6. I think I might be a little depressed.
7. Maybe I could go swimming after work. I like swimming and it’s great exercise. I used to do aerobics after work in 2004, maybe I could get back on that horse. But where can I swim without having to pay so much per month?
8. I am positive that I will always dislike my job for as long as I have the problem of thinking I could be doing something better with my time, no matter what it is that I am doing (see point #1)
9. I still believe I can do anything I put my mind into, and that is a very scary thought. Options are endless and I am afraid of picking the wrong one.

There you have it. My unscrambled list of fears. I know I can get into a good diet and I can get fit. I just need to put my mind into it. Once I can do that, I know that the motivation to do other things will come.

I found a blog through Blog Explosion that really tells it like it is when it comes to motivating yourself. The blog is called The Real Mind and the post is called How to Motivate Yourself. One of the pieces of advice I liked the most was that “someone who is ill or depressed is most likely to have a great deal more problems motivating themselves.” We often think that pushing ourselves harder will get us out of our rut, but the truth is that we need to be well from the inside out in order to have higher goals.

Maybe I could break my “healing” up into stages:

Week 1 (Jan 18-24): Body Cleanse

• Plan every meal
• No unhealthy snacks between meals
• Get at least 7 hours of sleep
• Exercise 3 times a week

Week 2 (Jan 25-Jan 31): Body Cleanse & School Work

• Follow Body Cleanse guidelines
• Set aside 3-4hrs for schoolwork

Week 3 (Feb 1-7): Body Cleanse & School Work

• Follow Body Cleanse guidelines
• Set aside 3-4hrs for schoolwork

Week 4 (Feb 8-14): International Travel

• Keep to 3 meals a day, no unhealthy snacks between meals
• Continue exercise routine as time permits

Week 5 (Feb 15-21): Body Cleanse & School Work

• Follow Body Cleanse guidelines
• Set aside 3-4hrs for schoolwork

The hard part will be prioritize and staying focused. For example, next week I already have plans in the evening every day except for Friday, when I have plans in the morning. I also have plans on Saturday and Sunday. This first week is going to be very hard to keep up, but it’s gotta be done.

How can we start today?

• Plan meals for the week – Done!
• Go grocery shopping – Done!
• Plan exercise schedule (find a place to go swimming?) – Done!
• Put laundry away and make sure the house is starting the week in good shape – Done!
• Study for Saturday’s test – Put off to tomorrow
• Plan the activities for the week to make sure I will have time to study for the test – Done!

Ok… let’s start there. It’s going to be really hard to psych myself to do anything right now… but I have to make myself do it. I know it’s for the better. Things will be OK in the end. Baby steps.

ina

Today is a new day… but that doesn’t make me feel any better. Things weigh on my mind and I feel like all I need is some rest. I wish I could just sleep the day away until I’m so bored that I have no choice but to get up and do SOMETHING.

I will create a list of things that I MUST accomplish by the end of the day at work, and I’ll force myself to do them one by one, piece by piece. Baby steps.

If I have any free time after that, I’ll make a list for the things I would like to figure out in life (you know, the other half of the "work/life balance" thing), such as:

• Studying for the MTEL (which I’m taking in less than 2 weeks)
• Figure out a realistic workout schedule
• Plan my meals and actually make them!
• Read the book sitting on my night table ("Going Rogue" by Sarah Palin)
• Finish organizing my photographs into albums

The list is not that long, but I start school next week, and I’d like to stay on top of things to reduce my stress levels throughout the school year. Just 4 more classes. Just 4 more classes. Just 4 more classes. I can do this. 8 months from now all schoolwork will be in the past.

Now all I need is some time to relax. I just have to make a conscious effort NOT to book myself for anything this weekend.

To the High Societies: please don’t invite me to anything this weekend. I decline in advance and in bulk. (Phew, glad we got that one out of the way!)

Ok, time to get crackin’. Manos a la obra!

ina

I’m having the hardest time kicking in the new year.

I wish I could say that everything is peachy keen and I got great things lined up for 2010, which I do, but I can’t say it with any kind of enthusiasm. I think I recall feeling this way about 2009 around this time last year. I complained that there was nothing to be excited about, even though I was buying a house. Still, the outlook for 2009 seemed bland and boring.

One of the things I’d tell myself was that life always throws you curve balls, and I couldn’t possibly anticipate with any sort of certainty what 2009 was REALLY going to be like.

Well, what things happened in 2009 that were not obvious enough to predict?

• My uncle passed away unexpectedly, and my other uncle (his brother) had a severe stroke, which he’s still recovering from 🙁
• My sister (Monica Geller) moved her family to Texas (a long ways away from Massachusetts), taking my parents with her 🙁

Mmmm… So far not so good. Any good things?

• I got to take a relaxing and memorable trip to Florida with my sisters-in-law
• I got to take a girls weekend to Las Vegas with one of my girlfriends
• I got a new boss who day by day proves himself to be a great one
• I became personally closer to my leaders at work
• I am working under the wing of a local entrepreneur whom I admire
• I discovered my passion for personal finance
• I started a weekly meeting club with my girlfriends
• I made 3 new friends at work
• I did some substitute teaching
• I got Friday mornings off in a flexible work arrangement

So there are still more surprises to come that I will never be able to even guess about.

Some things I know WILL happen this year:

• I will graduate from MBA school
• My sister (Tina Fey) will graduate as well and go back to our home country 🙁
• I will take my husband out to DC for a romantic get-away
• I will be going to my home country for a week-long visit
• I will get a raise
• I will get at least 1 teaching license
• I will change jobs (within my company)
• I will go see Taylor Swift in concert
• I will be throwing a super Karaoke party for my birthday (got a party gift certificate to the Lime Light!)

Ok, the year won’t be an awful one 😉 I just hope to get psyched about it sooner rather than later.

Happy New Year to you,

ina

Last Thursday was my last class of the Fall semester. I go back to school January 19th for the Spring. This means I have 5 weeks off school, and I have no idea what to do with my time. Get ready for a lot of these entries of me going crazy with nothing to do.

Today is Saturday and all I have on the agenda is: clean the house. I was doing great at first, but then the worst possible thing happened:

My husband left the house to run an errand

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! The world is over.

Here’s the problem: I am simply incapable of doing anything productive when I’m all alone in the house. I have all the time to do it, but I can’t do it. I don’t know what it is. The best I’ve been able to come up with is that my husband is my battery. If he is not there, I just die down. I can’t move. I paralyze. Hello TV. Goodbye chores.

What is your battery? What keeps you from turning on the TV and browsing online instead of doing what you’re supposed to do?

ina

I have a paper due next week, and I don’t want to do it. I skipped last week’s paper because I didn’t want to do it, but I was allowed to skip 1 paper this semester. I guess I made my choice. Now I have 2 papers due in a span of 2 weeks. I also have a presentation to create and a document to write for 2 weeks from now. But I don’t want to do that either.

My life has become a chain of boring events, and my internal self is a childish one with a lot of tantrums up her sleeve. She tantrums a lot more when she’s bored, and it’s hard to get her to listen to reason.

People have told me that, in order to get motivated, I should establish a rewards system for myself: if I write my paper tonight, I can do anything I want on Sunday. This approach has never worked for me for some reason. I have this perpetual feeling that: I am an adult, and I have earned the right to have chocolate cake for breakfast and ice cream before lunch. Why should I deprive myself? I deserve the reward. It’s REALLY hard to break this mentality, and my internal self tantrums if she doesn’t get her way.

Hence, procrastination is a big problem. My rational self spends hours upon hours worrying and worrying about the things she’s not getting done, while my tantruming self is off in a corner being tortured by my rational self, who’s trying to get her to come to her senses. It’s just an unbearable battle, and I hate it. If I could just do what I need to do, this wouldn’t happen.

Do you have problems with procrastination?

ina

As I have mentioned before, there are many more things that aggravate me than there are things that make me happy. It’s possible that I’m just someone who’s got it all together and who is so happy in general that small aggravations have little trouble standing out (that theory: courtesy of my dear mother).

Whatever the case, I got really mad today. Someone just failed to do something, and when I called them on it they spit it back on my face saying they had no reason to apologize for it.

I was destroyed. I hate conflict and I have a REALLY hard time getting over it. However, if there is one thing I know about men, is that they get over things five times as fast as women do. If I could mimic a man, and just pretended like the whole thing never happened, I knew “we” would be fine. But HOW was I supposed to do that WHEN I HAD SMOKE COMING OUT OF MY EARS???? The dramatic woman in me wanted to just BURST out and tell him off… but I didn’t.

I suddenly remembered a line from last week’s episode of Monk (USA network): “Happiness is a Choice.” I could choose to be miserable, or choose to get on with my life. As awesome as it feels to make yourself the victim of a situation and be as self-righteous as humanly possible, I had the feeling that happiness would get me a longer way.

So I repeated it like a mantra: Happiness is a Choice, Happiness is a Choice, Happiness is a Choice. Afterwards, everything was fine on his end. He must have thought I was so over it. I definitely put on a good show, but I have to say that the mantra just didn’t work. I’m as mad now, 5 hours later, as I was when it first happened.

Fighting it out, or visibly showing how upset I was would have just planted on me the labels of “emotional,” “immature,” and “drama queen.” There is just no point in trying to get my feelings understood in that situation. No point whatsoever. So I just pretend it all away. And yes, I do find myself doing this a lot, and it makes me resent my friends for putting me in that position (yes, like it’s their responsibility to baby me through my anger spurts).

Do you have issues getting over things, too? Do you feel resentful when you have to put on a show to appease someone else whose feelings appear to be more important than yours?

ina

I hate our work cafeteria.

Our caf is ran by a third party company owned and managed by a couple of ladies who also work the grill. Try to put aside the terrible layout (for the longest time I refused to go there because I had no idea what the queue flow was), the poor quality of the food (the first time I gathered the courage to go, they gave me really undercooked spaguetti, and we all know how disgusting hard noodles are), and the understaffing (the same people who handle the grill have to run back and forth to and from the cash register, IF you ask them nicely to take care of you “when they get a free second”), and you are still left with their less-than-friendly demeanor.

Growing up in another country, we had a live-in housekeeper who would cook, clean and do laundry. She was a part of the family, and we are still in touch. We get along fine NOW, but back then…. let’s just say she was NO servant, and she would make sure you were aware of that. My parents signed the checks, not I or my siblings, so we were always very weary of asking for anything. Most of the time, she would be in one of her “moods” and we were afraid of going to the kitchen for a glass of water. Lunchtime was always entertaining: with my parents at work, it was just her and us kids. We’d eat in silence afraid of saying anything that would infuriate her.

Well, that’s exactly how I feel about our caf staff. They are only selectively friendly and have NEVER smiled at me, despite my efforts to get them to like me. It’s just so awkward and uncomfortable, like I’m going there just to make them work more. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way, and their business has suffered because of it. I just hate having to kiss ass for some food, and having to beg someone to assist me at the register.

Sigh… can’t beat their $1 bagels, though.

ina

I went to see a career counselor a couple of months ago who had me take an aptitude test (per my request) to figure out what the hell I should be doing with my life.

The test wasn’t very helpful. It was geared towards corporate careers, which I’m not interested in, but it did bring up one peculiar thing about my personality. It recommended that I LISTEN and consider different points of view before making a decision. My first thought was ya ya, I got it. Then the counselor asked me if I often felt like I “got” things fast, and wished I could “ya ya” people to shut up. I said yes, that in fact it happens to me quite often.

I don’t know everything, but there is a certain protective wall I raise when people express their opinions, especially if they are different from mine. Like a defense mechanism to prove that I am smart, despite my short height and strong foreign accent.

A lot of the time my “ya ya”-ing has nothing to do with a difference in opinions at all, but with a difference in what constitutes common sense (which, in my experience, is not common at all).

For example, if I have been bugging my husband to call his mother all weekend to figure out if we’ll be coming over for dinner on Monday, and he decides at the last minute (Monday ay 5pm) to go, I expect him to inform me of this so I get on the correct train (home or his work). But apparently that IS too much to ask.

Thankfully I happened to call him before getting on the train, therefore saving us both an evening of apologies and disappointment.

We kissed and made-up. Now we’ll get to enjoy our evening. It just made sense.

ina