I visited a new therapist yesterday. We’ll call her Dr. Crane.
I was referred to Dr. Crane by my friend Alicia Keys, who knew her professionally. The caveat is that Dr. Crane is so well known and in such high demand that she doesn’t need to be part of an insurance network, so her wages per hour add up to about 7 times a typical specialist co-pay. “Ouch! Kiss and make it bettah!”
Alicia Keys assured me Dr. Crane was worth every penny. Although it’s hard for me to agree that any kind of advice would be worth that kind of money, I do have to admit that she brought up certain things I had not thought of on my own, even after all these years of trying to find answers through similar sessions.
Our conversation led me to conclude that I seem to have turned my black & white type of thinking onto myself. I judge myself against values that are very meaningful to me, such as honesty and authenticity. Just like I judge others for being fake or selfish, I judge myself for not being 100% honest and authentic 100% of the time.
You know when someone says or does something you don’t like, but you stay quiet because you don’t think the fight is worth it? Well, that happens to me often enough that I beat myself up for not being authentic. This leads to feelings of self-betrayal, which leads to my feeling like an impostor who might be found out any second, therefore leading to the assumption that I am not genuine and therefore people must hate me. And if they don’t, then they will as soon as they “find me out.” Messed up, isn’t it???
My homework for the next session (a month from now) is to write down things I stop myself from saying just so I can create more awareness in my own head about those times I feel I am self-betraying.
Interesting stuff!
There were other things that came up that actually made me feel much stronger and more apt to withstand other problems.
Maybe I can’t say Dr. Crane was worth every penny, but she was certainly worth making a second appointment with.
Good luck to all of you who are trying to figure out your own inner workings 🙂 It’s not easy, is it??? But it’s fun to learn more about yourself 🙂
Patience. Someone please tell me whether it’s good or bad, ’cause I can’t keep waiting to learn the answer on my own.
My mother says it’s a virtue. Someone I once interviewed with told me they wanted people with little of it. I feel impatience every second of my life, and every day I’m advised to reverse my ways. Not only do I hate being told how to be, but I also hate getting mixed signals. Is it good to be patient because it increases your passion levels, or is it bad because others tend to dislike that trait in people?
I can say this much: it would be VERY HARD for someone to adjust perfectly to different situations such that they are just patient or just impatient enough.
It has just been brought to my attention that a person must practice a task for 10,000 to become an expert at it. Knowing that gives me a very soothing feeling: it means that, no matter what I set my mind to, all I have to do to become an expert is to do it for 10,000 hours and I’m all set!
What a relief! No more “if”s and more “when”s! Pick something! ANYTHING! Learning the bones in the human body? Playing piano? Lifting weights? Running an X number of miles? Never worry again! You have the answer: 10,000 hours later you will be a star! Go ahead, start a Blog called “Ten Thousand Hours” and track your progress! You might even get a book deal or, better yet, a movie deal!!!! GASP!
How long is 10,000 hours anyway? 416 continuous days (a year and a couple of months) of no sleeping, eating or working. Mmm… What if we practiced an hour a day? Doable, right? That’ll be like 27 years. Huh… Ok, what if we did more like 10 hours a week (a hardcore hobby)? That’s 19 years.
Mmmm… better call the whole thing off. I’d probably get bored by month 5 anyway.
Today was the first day I got to use my September MBTA monthly pass on the train. It’s officially fall.
This year, more than any other year, I am looking forward to the holidays. Every other year I have been too preoccupied about school and work, but not this year. My plan is to enjoy my new found free time to the fullest for the next 4 months, and do some serious decorating at home for each holiday from now until Christmas. By November my basement will be 100% finished and my life will be in complete order. Sounds nice, doesn’t it?
I hope you get to enjoy these few months as well. It’s the last year of the decade, so let’s kiss it goodbye with a smile in our hearts 🙂 (cheesy, right? Just go with it)
Jaden & Will SmithThey played the new The Karate Kid (2010) movie on my flight this morning, with Will Smith‘s son in it. As I watch little Jaden Smith I felt a rush of emotion and nostalgia: his facial expressions resembled those of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air!!! It was really uncanny! Tom & Colin HanksIt’s the same feeling I got when I saw The Great Buck Howard with Tom Hanks‘s son, Colin Hanks. It was like watching The Money Pit all over again. I am so excited to see that the stars from my childhood are being reborn before my very eyes.
It really feels like the rebirth of an era. The physical comeback of a wonderful period when actors had to earn their place in the spotlight. When celebrities were so beautiful and perfect they transported you to a fantasy world. When fame was something only talented people were worthy of experiencing. I know it’s too much to hope for just because of the fact that child actors remind me of their parents, but I can’t seem to let it go.
Kathleen TurnerAs the stars we have come to know and love grow older and/or sick, we can’t help but attaching ourselves to our memory of them. Michael Douglas, Michael J Fox, Sharon Stone, Mel Gibson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Kirstie AlleyKirstie Alley, John Travolta, Kathleen Turner, Dustin Hoffman, and does anybody even remember Dudley Moore? [Deep sigh] Now, obviously there is nothing we can do about actors growing older, nor would we want to. Actors are very capable of reinventing themselves constantly and many manage to Michael Douglas successfully remain current for subsequent generations. I guess my point is that we will never get young and beautiful Kathleen Turner back, or handsome and sexy Michael Douglas, or funny and quirky Kirstie Alley (without the stupid fat jokes embedded in). Gone are the days when these stars graced our screens. We really want to think of them the way they were in their prime, and it’s hard for us to face the reality that their greatness will only live in our memory… and in movies for posterity. So if I can fantasize about their reincarnation by watching their offspring, then, gosh darn it, I will indulge in that pleasure.
Seeing our stars being born again gives me hope that the world of entertainment will not be downgraded and obfuscated by the celebrity of Snooki, Paris Hilton, Heidi Montag, and Flavor Flave. If that is all the “talent” we are harvesting, then what will our children have to look up to?
I think I’m getting old. I have noticed that I am becoming increasingly aware of how high 33 thousand feet actually are, and that I occasionally tear up right before take off when I think of what my husband would do if anything were to happen to me. I had never had these feelings before this year.
Over the past four weeks I have been on 10 flights, 40% of which were international, adding up to approximately 20 thousand miles. That’s more than I normally travel in a year under normal circumstances. At the same time, it is safe to say that I am a seasoned flyer: I have been on a plane every year since I was 7 years old (maybe even before that). I am used to the routine, I know how to pack compactly, I even have my toiletries 100% duplicated and ready to go at any given point in time, and I know that turbulence is just caused by a few clouds. So why the sudden dread to fly? Why the fear that something will happen? Why the tears?
Brian & Ina
I guess I’m just getting to a point in my life where I would leave a lot behind. If something were to happen to me, my husband’s life would change forever. He doesn’t deserve it. He deserves to be happy and to have a great life. If I were gone, his wonderful spirit would be destroyed. I guess it just gets harder: once I have children, my worries will increase exponentially. Maybe I’ll get to a point some time when I just refuse to take this kind of risk, and just not travel. Could that ever happen?
It’s funny to think how not-worried I am about myself when it comes to my own doom: when I die, I will be dead. Whether I did the things I wanted to do in life is so irrelevant. I can only think of what would happen with my greatest achievement to date: creating a happy life for my husband. I just love him so much.
Alright, getting on the last leg of my flight. I’ll get some McDonald’s for lunch to eat on the plane. So yummy and yucky at the same time, isn’t it?
I love it when my country makes headlines. Unfortunately they have all pretty much been for negative things over the past 10 years, except when it comes to Miss Universe pageants, but I digress.
This sign was posted at the American check-in counters at the airport this morning.
Warning
Man, it’s great to start the morning with a full dosage of crazy.
I used to think that a “mess” was a pretty universal concept understood as things placed in a disorderly fashion. What I didn’t realize was the gradient involved in what constitutes a mess for one person versus another… until I visited my mother.
I’d like to challenge your “mess” savvy. Take a look at these two pictures. I want you to guess which one made my mother scream out “You are messing up my whole house!” 🙂
Luke PerryI can’t remember the last time I was so outraged by the scientific inaccuracies of a movie in my life. Well, it’s not really a movie, more like a SyFy channel miniseries called Supernova (2005).
The premise of the movie is that an astronomer discovered that the sun was approximately 1 week away from going supernova. Freakin’-a, I can’t even finish writing the premise without already finding 5 things wrong with that statement. Now, I worship Luke Perry as much as the next Beverly Hills 90210 fan, but if his career wasn’t over after this show, I don’t know what else could finish it.
I’m no expert, but I can tell you a few things that I know from watching series about the Universe on the History Channel:
A supernova is when a massive star (100 times the size of our sun) reaches the end of its life, and it collapses to its center right after expanding in a huge explosion. It is impossible for our sun to go supernova because it is simply not big enough. When our sun finally dies, it will become a white dwarf, which is a different phenomenon of end-of-life for a star.
Suppose our sun was about to die. Take my word for it, it would be impossible to calculate the exact time of collapse to the week. The evolution of stars go over millions of years, and their lifespan is certainly not measured in days.
The plasma “fire balls” they keep referring to are completely misrepresented. There are a few things wrong with this picture. It is true that the sun may emit plasma flares, however, they are not fire balls! These are flares of electron-free charges (basically naked nuclei), which are not lit up on fire! Should a flare actually be pointed towards Earth, they would be attracted to our magnetic poles. The surge would be so great, that it would indeed cause blackouts and render satellites useless… but not for just a little while! It would be permanent. But none of that is happening in the movie. Instead, they are showing something similar to a massive meteor shower.
More things wrong with the flares: they show the sun flaring out in rings. Dude, sorry to break it to you, but flares occur in single spots on the sun, NOT as rings of energy.
If you really want to nit pick, you can easily have a field day with the representation of those fireballs. If they are coming from the sun, people should be seeing them coming straight on, not sideways as if they were entering the atmosphere at an angle. They are also extremely slow coming in! The flare will not travel at the speed of light, since we are in fact talking about physical matter, but they would be FAST: literally coming at millions of kilometers per hour. Why do they look like they are falling leasurely down through the sky??? Are they actually slowed down THAT much by AIR??? Which brings me to my next point of visual misrepresentation: they keep falling onto Earth in different angles! Take a look at this picture. If the flare is coming from the sun, why on Earth (no pun intended) would they come from different angles! Look at their tail trajectory. Seriously people?
Why are they coming from different angles???
There are many things wrong with this series. And they are not subtle. Even I knew the sun’s death meant becoming a white dwarf, and I’m not even an astronomer! Did they not have consultants on set??? Did they talk to ANY reputable astronomer? Or did they think just because it was SciFi they would be able to get away with anything they wanted? Or maybe more people would tune in to see a show called Supernova rather than one called White Dwarf.
Warning: spoiler alert
Oh, and by the way, the final resolution was that the genius scientist (our dearest Luke Perry) found that his own calculations were wrong by a SIGN error (should have been a minus sign, not a plus sign). He caught it, and saved the world! By the way, just minutes before that scene, my father (an amateur astronomer himself) actually called it: “he probably just had like one sign wrong.” My father gets the credit for calling that one.
It’s a cloudy morning in Texas. Although the temperature reading is 81 degrees, the wind chill puts it somewhere in the high 70s. Call me crazy, but I was getting goosebumps, so I got a fleece for my legs 🙂 See the picture below. Fleece in 80 degree weather
It feels good to be “home.” The quotation marks are there because I am not from Texas, I’ve never lived in Texas, and this is the first time in my life I’ve stepped into this house. But what makes it home is that my parents live here, that the glasses are the same as the ones I drank out of growing up, that the Persian rug in the living room was the same one we had in our study back home, that the sitting stool in the bathroom is the one that belonged in my sister’s bedroom vanity, and other things like that. I could entertain myself for hours just walking around and pointing at familiar pieces.
Home is a funny concept. I am from Venezuela, but that’s not really home anymore, is it? Don’t get me wrong, I do get a sense of familiarity and warmth whenever I visit, but I have not lived there for one minute of my adult life, which, in a few years, will outnumber my number of childhood and teenage years. Right now, home is wherever my loved ones are. I can go to my cousin Lara Croft’s apartment in Caracas and feel at home, or visit my mother in Texas and feel at home. Or just go anywhere where my husband Brian is and feel at home.
When people ask me where I’m from I have two answers for them: if they appear to be intrigued by the accent, I’ll say Venezuela; but if I’m in a different state and they know I don’t live there I’ll say Boston. It’s all in the context of the question.
I was telling my neighbor Ethel, who is from Pennsylvania, how strange it was that our kids will answer “I’m from Norwood” to that question. She admitted to have marveled at that, too. As parents, we control where our kids are from. It’s a little mind boggling, isn’t it?
Now I’m just rambling. Procrastinating, I guess.
If you haven’t visited your home, I encourage you to take the time. Most times it won’t be a place, but people.
ina
I’ll leave you with the lyrics to a great song by Miranda Lambert called “The house that built me”. Watch the song on youtube here.
Miranda Lambert♫♪ I know they say you can’t go home again
I just had to come back one last time
Ma’am I know you don’t know me from Adam
But these handprints on the front steps are mine ♫♪
♫♪ Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar
I bet you didn’t know under that live oak
My favorite dog is buried in the yard ♫♪
♫♪ I thought if I could touch this place or feeling
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could walk around I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me ♫♪
♫♪ Mama cut out pictures of houses for years
From Better Homes and Gardens magazine
Plans were drawn and concrete poured
Nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama’s dream ♫♪
♫♪ I thought if I could touch this place or feeling
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could walk around in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me ♫♪
♫♪ You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am ♫♪
♫♪ I thought if I could touch this place or feeling
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could walk around I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me ♫♪
Her husband reported her missing, and was living in that house the whole time. Neither he nor the search dogs (which came looking for her THREE times) could identify the smell of her corpse over the smell of all the other crap she was trapped under. And these were the kind of dogs they used to recover people out of the 911 debris!
Picture unrelated to news story. Credited to momlogic.comHoarding is a very real condition that affects thousands of homes in the United States. It is not pretty and it is very hard to overcome.
Why did this story stir me up? I still really don’t know… but you wanna hear what’s messed up about this whole thing? The first thought that came to mind when I heard the story was “I wish I got one month to clean up that house, and leave it in complete order.”
You see, there are certain little things that get to me and they are very hard for me to let go of. Call it borderline OCD if you like, but it’s a character trait that makes me the anal person I call “me.” My hubby Brian has tried to make me see that it’s OK to let some things go, but not very successfully.
One of my friends has mastered the art of living in a pile of clothes. She doesn’t hoard STUFF, she mostly just can’t organize clothes to save her life. She quite literally cannot see her own bedroom floor. I offered to help, and we got as far as identifying which clothes she would keep and which clothes she would give away. We never made it past that point. We scheduled a couple of appointments, but she always ended up canceling. It’s a frightening prospect to have to go through all of that stuff. It would be overwhelming for anyone… but simply and inexplicably exciting for someone like me.
I have often thought of starting my own organizing business. If any of you watched the latest episode of My Boys (TBS sitcom), you know that Kenny wanted to start a closet-organizing business. I loved how easily he set up his next step: “I’ll just set up a website and see what happens.” He organized one of his friends’ closet for before and after pictures, and he just went for it. It was that simple. I drooled the entire episode. What a dream.
Could I do it? I don’t know… maybe I’m just afraid of the confrontation aspect of the job. After all, you’ll have to get people to let go of things. It takes convincing and a lot of negotiations with the clients. I’m not sure I like that part of it.
If I decided to do it, when would I find the time? Maybe I could start taking small clients and do it on weekends… I don’t know… I’m afraid! I tend to jump into things way too quickly. Maybe I’ll put a pin on it and think about it some more.
I just took the train to the airport for my flight to Texas this evening. That’s not strange, I have done this many times before, but this time I took a different route: instead of taking the Blue Line (subway) to Airport station and then the shuttle to the terminal, I took the Silver Line (bus) straight to the terminal.
First off, let me dispel the myth that it is faster because it drops you off at your terminal. It isn’t! At least if you take the subway you don’t have to deal with traffic, and the shuttle is a DROP OFF ONLY bus! The Silver Line bus picks up passengers, which makes it really slow to move on from terminal to terminal.
The one thing that I found kind of nifty was that the Silver Line bus goes UNDERGROUND for the first 3 stops. So it works almost like a subway, but it’s on wheels! See a picture below. I thought that was kind of cool. Subway Bus!
Alright, wish me luck in my travels! Wow, I feel like I live on a plane lately.
Sometimes Enrique Montoya, my coworker, comes up with the funniest stuff.
This morning I got an instant message from one of our higher ups. The message said:
B.K.: ho B.K.: hi ina: hi B.K.
Two hours later, that was all there was in the chat window. Still nothing. Not wanting to pry about what he wanted, I left it alone.
Fully understanding that the “ho” was a simple “hi” typo, but not being able to let it go (which speaks to my maturity levels), I just decided to turn around and joke with Enrique. This is how it went:
ina: B.K. sent me an instant message at 8:41am. He said “ho” then said “hi”. I responded with “hi B.K.” and then he didn’t write again. Was he really just feeling the urge to call me a ho and say hi? Enrique Montoya: You should message him back and write: “Pimp” and then “hi” ina: LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Enrique Montoya: Ho’s up, pimps down ina: that would be appropriate workplace behavior… what did you call it?… a CLM? ( = Career Limiting Move) lol! Enrique Montoya: yes, grasshoppa, you learn fast
After 15 min of hard manual labor, I managed to get my luggage all the way from my house to the train station this morning. My heavy companion will be coming with me to Texas at the end of the work day today.
I am very satisfied with how I left things at home: cleaned the bathroom, washed and folded ALL the laundry, cleaned the general areas, tidied up my room (meaning the guest room, where most of my clothes reside), spent some time with Brian, and spent some time with Fred and Ethel’s baby girl (whom we’ll call Goldie Locks). It was just a great state in which to leave my daily life before abandoning it for a week.
I’m looking forward to seeing my parents, my sister Monica Geller, and her babies, whom we’ll call Hansel (2) and Gretel (4). It will be nice to hang out with them outside of regular holiday visits. It’ll be almost as if I lived there. I can’t wait!
Nothing much else to report. I guess that as my life unwinds to an untangled noodle there will be less and less to say… Until we start remodelling my basement! That will be an adventure in itself! So stay tuned 😉
For the past 3 years I have been looking forward to something or been eager for something to end: getting married, buying a house, finishing school, coming back home from work travels. So what happens when all of those things come and go?
The answer may be all too predictable: new things take their place, right? But what happens when you truly reach the end of the tunnel or get through the storm, and all you find is peace and still waters as far as the eye can see?
I am there. I have arrived. No more school. No more work travel. No more commitments. I actually feel relaxed, as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. My friendship hardships have been positively resolved, and I truly have nothing to worry about.
The one thing that has the potential of ruining the moment: the reconstruction of my basement. But even that is something I’m very much looking forward to. Bring it on!
Today I’m at the beach with Brian’s company, and it’s quite the day for it. I’m relaxed, I have chocolate cake and ice cream in my tummy, and I could fall asleep any second in the shade of the beach umbrella and warmth of the ocean breeze.
The past few weeks have been quite taxing on my schedule. I spent a whole week taking my very last MBA course (I’m done!!), spent a week in Norway for work meetings, and spent a week in Wisconsin for training. I got to be home this week, but I’ll be off to Texas to visit my family next week.
Warning: the following text is a summary of the plans for my week. It will be dry, boring, and it will make you want to shut down your computer at once. Enter at your own risk!
So what did I do with my one week at home, you ask? What any girl who just got out of school would do: fill it up with social stuff!
Last Sunday I had a marvelous breakfast with @na in a little cafe in Holliston called Pejamajo.
On Monday I ordered pizza with my wonderful husband, Brian, and went to bed early.
On Tuesday I went out with Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi to an amazing restaurant in Chinatown called Penang and to see Eat Pray Love (2010).
On Wednesday I was supposed to have piano lesson, but it was moved to Saturday, so I hung out with Brian. We ordered pizza again (I was too weak and tired to fight it) and watched parts of Back to the Future III (1990).
On Thursday I went out with Charlotte to a little hole in the wall, albeit ranked in Zagat since 2003, Algerian/Mediterranean restaurant called Baraka Cafe.
On Friday, today, I’m having lunch with Angela somewhere with a Restaurant Week Menu. At night, I’ll have dinner with my husband (low key) and then I’m off to sing my lungs out at Karaoke at Joy Asia in Marlborough with Tori Amos, Daria and Shakira.
On Saturday I have my piano lesson in the morning, then lunch with Miranda Hobbes (my good friend from high school who is a very professional fashionista), then I’ll probably stop by at a BBQ in honor of one of my college professors, and then I’ll hang out with Alicia Keys.
On Sunday my husband’s company is having their annual summer event, so I guess I’ll be putting my bathing suit and flip flops on and go meet his co-workers. Well, that’s a recipe for disaster if I’ve ever seen one.
On Monday I’ll pack.
On Tuesday I’ll leave for Texas to visit my family for a week.
As you can see, I did not leave ANY room for boredom. Somehow this has completely energized me. Especially the part about going to karaoke tonight. We were regulars at Joy Asia back in the day (pre-MBA), and it makes me feel that maybe I CAN get my social life back! It’s all falling into place so neatly, I can’t help but feel excited about this coming fall! Just me, my job, and a blank slate of a calendar.
I hope you all enjoy this weekend, and have good stories to tell for your own blogs!
Un Clavo Saca Otro Clavo: One nail drives out another (reference)
The “situation” with Alicia Keys was driving me out of my mind on Tuesday evening, to the point of not being able to enjoy my dinner and a movie outing with my friends Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi. I’ll devote a separate entry to the movie Eat Pray Love (2010), as there is much to be said (little of which is good).
I woke up Wednesday morning with Alicia Keys on my mind. I made an executive decision to distract myself and not obsess over it. So I asked myself: what was I obsessing over before this issue came along? Ah, my issue with Charlotte!
My friend Charlotte and I have not been in speaking terms for a while. Mostly one-sided (mine). The parallel between the two situations was bothering me: Alicia Keys wanted to shun me from her life, just like I had done to Charlotte. Only, Charlotte didn’t really complain when it happened. It almost felt mutual. With Alicia Keys, I went full force on her to try to find out what was wrong and what I could do to fix it.
So maybe now was a good time to call myself on my hypocrisy and mend things with Charlotte. So, I spent all day obsessing about how to talk to her for the first time in 8 months.
I spent all day talking to friends: Enrique Montoya, Ellen DeGeneres, Monica Geller, Tori Amos. I had to make sure I was doing the right thing by breaking the silence. Unfortunately, the person whose opinion I cared about the most, my husband Brian, was not available for comment. He was in meetings all day, and my annoying constant calls were not going anywhere. I had to wait until we got home to discuss the situation.
There are MANY levels of psychology at play with my situation with Charlotte, which I won’t get into (mostly because they make me look really pathetic). All I can say is that my problems with her evolved from the moment I started thinking about it, until the moment I finally decided to make the call. It was actually kind of cool how my friends helped me piece it all together: how she feels, how her behavior can be explained, how MY behavior can be explained, how a deep conversation would go, how a lighter approach would work.
So I made the call, and we are having dinner tonight at Asmara in Cambridge. It’s this great Ethiopian place I fell in love with a couple of years ago. You had me at Mango juice.
So, like they say, un clavo saca a otro clavo (a nail drives out another nail). One obsession quickly took precedence over another. If my issues with one friend can serve some kind of purpose to fix another friendship, then it won’t all be for naught.
I’m hanging out with Alicia Keys on Saturday afternoon. Maybe things will be a little clearer then.
I think it was my sister, Monica Geller, who once gave me this piece of advice: you’re a table, and you need more than one leg to stay up.
Think of all your feelings, hopes and dreams as the vase on the table, the flowers, the plate, the silverware, the arts and crafts projects, the books you want to read. Now think of the legs as your relationships. You need more than one to keep your things on the table. You can think of each leg as a group (friends, family, coworkers, acquaintances), or as individuals (your partner, your siblings, your parents, Erin, Christine, Tori Amos, Alicia Keys, Angela, etc). You could have 8 or 9 legs, or more! The point is to diversify your support system in order to be happy, so if one relationship is in trouble you have other legs to lean on.
I am very very upset. A good friend, whom we call Alicia Keys on this blog, just blew me off for getting together for the third time in the past 3 months. I am sure there is a logical explanation for the trouble coordinating our calendars, but without an outright clear reason in sight, my mind is bound to embark on a self-bashing journey.
Possible reasons why my friend won’t agree to see me:
Mea Culpa:
I did something to piss her off
I behave selfishly: I talk about myself too much / I don’t ask her about her life enough
Neglect: I don’t call her enough
I lack the self-awareness to list the correct reason on this list, which is a problem in itself
Her Culpa:
She’s busy and getting together with me is low on the list
She’s mad at me and doesn’t think there’s much point to discussing it with me
She’s embarrassed that she has blown me off so much already and prefers the phone over facing me
She has done something I may disapprove of and doesn’t want to look at herself in this mirror
Something personal/private is really going on in her life and she’s not interested or inclined to share it
I’ve been on both sides of the equation: I have blown off friends, and I’ve been on the receiving end of a slowly dying friendship. Karma is, indeed, a bitch.
I guess all I can do is be patient. If I’m being blown off on purpose, it will be obvious when communications stop altogether. If the friendship is worth it and meant to be, our paths will cross again and things will be alright. Maybe even stronger than before, after the hardship.
On the other hand, it makes you wonder whether things could have been remediated by talking them out. All too often we let friendships go because we won’t talk about our issues. At the same time, it’s crucial to identify whether the friendship has reached a toxicity level that may be unbearable to at least one of the parties. That takes knowing yourself and knowing what you can and cannot change about yourself. It takes being honest and not victimizing your position.
If Alicia has decided that our friendship is toxic and the fundamentals that make a friendship work are just not there (such as mutual trust, respect and unconditional be-there-ness), then I’ll have no choice but to respect that. After all, friendships are a two-way street.
I sure hope it’s a fixable issue… I just won’t know until we talk again. In the meantime, I am just dying a little bit inside every minute that goes by.
I’m sure it’s nothing… I’m just blowing this way out of proportion.
MBTA Commuter RailI’m on the train on my way to the office. It has been nearly 3 weeks since I’ve been there, and I find myself dragging my feet. 370+ unanswered emails impatiently await me, and I’m not looking forward to our inevitable encounter.
I was asleep by 10 last night, but that didn’t help me get up at 5:45 as I had planned. My alarms went off in the wrong order (the backup alarm rang first) which threw me completely off. Also, I bought a new thermometer (I take my temperature at 5am for a few specific days each month), which is a piece of junk that won’t light up in the dark and which was rebelliously displaying my temperature in Celsius! It was hard to fall asleep after that. I’ll be returning it to Rite Aid. I might just order the exact same one I’ve been using for 2 years off the internet (I stopped using it when it stopped making beeping sounds and a new battery didn’t bring them back).
To add insult to injury, I have Red Sox tickets for tonight and the forecast says rain rain rain.
So I’m tired, lethargic and anxious about the uncertainty of my plans for tonight.
On the bright side, I’ll see my friends at work today! Unless they wimp out due to the weather and leave me all alone in the office. Wouldn’t that be the cherry on my sundae?… Or mondae, I guess.
After years and years of hearing about Fantasy Football (about 5, to be exact), I have decided to stand up for my right to learn about football and figure out what the fuss is all about.
I am currently sitting in my next door neighbors’, Fred and Ethel’s, basement with 10 other guys and 1 girl, drafting picks for our fantasy league teams.
Drafting for Fantasy Football
I expressed my interest late in the game, so I didn’t get a team in Fred’s league. However, I decided to attend the draft anyway and observe the dynamics of the game. While they all look through their books, print-outs and cheat-sheets, I went on my mini laptop and did an NFL Fantasy Football Mock Draft. These start every minute, and you can just practice picking members for your team with 10 other teams online. I did it just once, and this is what my team looks like.
I’d like to introduce you, for the first time ever, to the Norwood Nutshellls!:
Position
Player
Team
QB
Tom Brady
New England Patriots
RB
Knowshon Moreno
Denver Broncos
RB
Matt Forte
Chicago Bears
WR
Hines Ward
Pittsburgh Steelers
WR
Robert Meachem
New Orleans Saints
RB/WR
Jerricho Cotchery
New York Jets
TE
Brent Celek
Philadelphia Eagles
K
Nate Kaeding
San Diego Chargers
Team D
New Orleans Saints
Ind. D
James Laurinaitis
St. Louis Rams
Bench:
Position
Player
Team
QB
Matt Schaub
Houston Texans
WR
Donald Driver
Green Bay Packers
WR
Vincent Jackson
San Diego Chargers
RB
Thomas Jones
Kansas City Chiefs
WR
Austin Collie
Indianapolis Colts
RB
Willis McGahee
Baltimore Ravens
Sorry about the formatting… don’t know why it’s putting out those spaces there. But you get the idea.
Is this a good team? WHO THE HECK KNOWS??? I just wanted to make sure I got Tom Brady 🙂
I don’t know what the rules are yet. Fred and his manly manly friends were voting on the final rules of the league, which I did not understand at all. So I’ll wait for Fred’s email with the final rules. After all, I’m not really playing for money… just for the experience. We’ll see what happens.
I guess this is what life without school looks like. At the very least, I hope that this gives me a reason to watch sports with Brian.
During the past week I spent every day in a room with 20 other employees of my company in one of the many leadership trainings we will experience during our careers.
DiSC Personality AssessmentThe foundation of the training was a personality test which we were instructed to take a week before the class, as we would be receiving a full report on the results on the first day. The test is called DiSC, and it measures a person’s generalistic style of approaching challenges.
D = Dominant i = Interact S = Steadiness C = Compliance
Dominant characters like to feel in control, and are the people you can count on to take charge. They enjoy a fast pace environment.
Interact individuals are social butterflies and value relationships a lot more than reaching end goals. They are also in the “fast” category.
Steadiness people are detailed-oriented and like to take things easy. They are not super social, but they are very analytical. At the same time, they need the time to think about it and not be pressured.
Compliance workers are very focused on numbers and data. They will not make a move until it has been proven by policy, data or otherwise analyzed situations. This makes them slow in action, but accurate in detail.
It was not a surprise to me that I fell into the Dominant category. I was fully expecting it. What I didn’t expect was the rush of emotion that followed.
As soon as I was labeled a strong “D” I became the butt of every joke. Every time I did or said something (anything), others would point their fingers and say “D”!!! Not to say that I didn’t feed the fire myself. I joined them in the mocking. I just thought it’d be a lot more fun to make it a mutual mocking situation… meaning we both gang up on me.
Then it all started coming back to me. All the times in my annual review when I have been asked to “tone it down” or to “take a step back.” That’s years and years of people giving me the “feedback” that I have to change, and I’m just not good enough.
Needless to say, I cried my eyes out that first night. For as long as I can remember, I had always been encouraged to speak out first, to be decisive, to be determined, to not let things stand in my way, and to take control of my own life. It wasn’t until I joined this company that I have felt like my take-charge personality did not fit in. Like I was not good enough, and my intrinsic way to be was getting in the way of my own career. It’s as if I had been labeled with a big “PAIN IN THE ASS” sign on my back.
My manager assured me that they are not asking me to be someone else, but to be aware of how I come off to people and be able to control it. However, that is not what I am getting. What I am getting is action items like “don’t speak out first” or “ask more questions and give fewer statements” or “let others take charge and you take the back seat.” Sound reasonable pieces of feedback, right? After all, most people ARE that way: stay back, don’t draw attention to yourself, the less work you get the better, just talk when being asked to. My problem with this? I AM NOT THAT WAY!!! The reason I speak out first, raise my hand first, say my opinion first, is because that comes extremely natural to me. When you ask me not to do it, it creates an unimaginable internal source of stress and frustration within me.
I do think that it is important for a “leader” to understand how they come off and watch for times when they make others feel uncomfortable. Self-awareness is extemely important. I was hoping I wasn’t THAT bad, and fortunately a kind soul said as much: during one of the “go around the table and give your peers feedback” exercises, while everyone told me that I wasn’t doing a good job at asking more questions or speaking second, this one person did say “I just don’t see how your speaking first is hurting anybody — when you talk, we listen because you say things that matter. I just don’t see your style as abrasive or intimidating. You are fun, and not at all that bad.” You have no idea how good it made me feel to hear that. In a sea of criticism, a single beacon of light.
I guess this whole post is giving me away as someone who doesn’t take criticism very well… That kind of stinks, because I consider myself to be very self-aware and to be conscious of how I come off. I worry about people taking me the wrong way or being gun-shy around me. I try to handle those situations with velvet gloves. But for the most part, my decisiveness should be HELPING my job, not hurting it. Right?…
I did learn a valuable lesson, though. Sometimes I tend to shoot from the hip and make a 100% assertive statement without any real background behind it. I do that all the time, but it was never as clear as in this conversation with my husband:
Brian: I’m thinking of getting a treadmill. How much do those cost? ina: Eight hundred dollars. Brian: How do you know? ina: mmmm… I don’t. That’s my guess.
By the end we were laughing so hard! He had been trying to get me to see that about myself: I make confident statements without fact behind them. It really cracks him up.
I killed my team in the desertThis commendable trait to speak confidently even when I have no idea what I’m talking about eventually got my team killed in a desert survival exercise. That was an eye opener for me. We were supposed to decide a strategy to follow after our plane crashed in the desert, and we had to decide what to do with the supplies we had. I was SURE we should all move together safely towards the nearest road we saw before crashing, and that we should figure out how to get food by assigning a hunting party. I got into an argument with another “D” in my team who wanted to just send himself off for help, which I totally disagreed with as it would guarantee his death. In the end, we went with my way. It turns out that the one person in our team who suggested to stay at the crash site was right, but she was too quiet for us to even consider her opinion as a viable option.
That made me realize that even though I might be confident about my way of doing things, it’s very important that I understand all points of view before making a decision. This is sort of how it went:
Peer: we should stay at the crash site, and bury the shotgun because it’s dangerous. ina: (trying to do reflective listening) So you think we should get rid of the shotgun because it might create a dangerous situation for us, since levels of stress may be high and we might kick into survivor mode. Peer: Yes. ina: So how do you suggest we got food? Peer: I don’t know, we could eat birds. ina: And how do you plan to catch the birds? Peer: I don’t know… maybe with something pointy? ina: so you want to stay back and catch birds with the tip of the umbrella?
At this point her opinion seemed so nonsensical, that I got condescending and dismissive of her point of view. This made her feel self conscious and she shut down for the rest of the discussion.
As it turns out, the right approach was to stay at the crash site and to use the shotgun for digging or as a tool to build things. Food was to be disposed of and don’t even think of hunting, since food would increase the need for water in our bodies (humans can live 3 min without oxygen, 3 days without water, and 30 days without food). If we had actually worked as a team to investigate why she thought we should stay and why hunting wasn’t important, we may have gotten closer to survival. Instead, we were dead within a week.
It was all fun and games, but the truth of the matter is that I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, and I really have to bring out more discussion rather than laying down the law.
Thanks for reading this far. In conclusion: I hate the fact I’m being asked to change, but if there is one thing I learned is that I don’t know enough to make decisions single-handedly. No matter how quickly my brain works in coming up with A solution, it may not be THE solution.
In the end, it was an enlightening week. Frustrating as hell, but definitely enlightening.
Sorry this one took a little while to come through… I have been in training all this week and never got a chance to tell you about the end of my trip!
So I stayed behind on Friday while everybody else took off for home. I woke up early to have breakfast with a coworker, and then came back to bed to catch up on some sleep. By noon I had gotten my sleepy butt out of bed and out the door to explore the town of Kristiansand.
The hotel was located right in the center of the action, so I just had to step out and start walking.
Kristiansand
It was REALLY intimidating to walk around and go into stores where people are speaking a language you don’t understand. It was particularly embarrassing to stop at every clothes rack and pull out my cellphone to calculate the currency conversion. You have no idea how long it took me to finally figure out that I had to divide NOKs by 6 to get USDs. The next step was figuring out how to do div by 6 math in my head quickly! Turns out I couldn’t do it, so I just remembered that 100 NOK were 16 USD, so I just used 16 as my point of reference.
At first I couldn’t, for the life of me, find a store that had reasonable prices. Every store I went into had clothes I could have bought at Old Navy for a crazy $60 or more! I was very discouraged, until I found the wonders of VERA MODA. AWESOME clothes for AWESOME prices, even for USD conversion standards. See the store on the left of the picture above with the purple signs.
After my clothes shopping was done with, I refocused on finding souvenirs. Well, Kristiansand is not known for its touristic attractions, so I had to go into bookstores to find THE shelf that had the souvenirs. I did end up getting a few cool things, including an oversized pen that was SO much fun but I couldn’t think of anybody who would appreciate it as much as I did… so I got it for myself 🙂
Here’s a bit of Norway trivia for you: apparently there are folk stories that involve these freakin’ ugly dwarfs or elves or gnomes or something. They are the ugliest things you’ll ever see. How would you feel if someone brought you an ugly little gnome to put on your fridge from a wonderfully exotic place as Norway? They are just awful looking little dudes.
Norwegian Gnome
During my search for the perfect souvenirs, I walked around and found the center of town (see the church and fountain) and learned about the the historic Kristiansand fort (known as Fort Christiansholm – see picture). I also found out that some kind of volleyball championship was going on. I didn’t stick around to see it… but it was good to know it was going on.
Church and FountainFort ChristiansholmVolleyball Tournament
Now, this is the craziest part of my lone stroll in Kristiansand. As I was taking some cool pictures (of myself), I saw a couple of Norwegians bathing in the freezing canal water and some tourists taking pictures of them. I thought they were funny and wanted to take their picture, but they were out of the water by the time I got my camera ready, so I went back to taking pix of myself.
As I was doing that, the 2 Norwegian dudes tried to bomb one of my pictures by jumping in a funny way behind me. The picture didn’t capture it, so I called them over and asked them to do that again. This time, we counted 1, 2 and 3! And this is what I got:
Crazy Norwegians
They were good sports. I showed them the picture afterward and they were very proud of themselves for such a funny outcome. I told them I would call this picture “Crazy Norwegians.” Now, that’s what I call a great travel story 🙂
On my walk back to the hotel I saw an exhibit of sand castles (or figures). They were AMAZING and very very large! Check these out:
Pirate ShipAdam and EveRobot Man
I’ll close out the Norway trip with one last anecdote. I decided to have Mexican food for lunch. After all, Norwegian Mexican food HAD to be tried! So I found a little place called “Amigos” and ventured in. I had the chicken burrito. I was surprised that it came with a salad (you don’t see that very often). I was even more surprised when the check came. My burrito cost $37!!!!!!!!!!!!! And it wasn’t a fancy place, either!!!
I found out that taxes in Norway are CRAZY. That is the reason why they don’t tend to tip waiters or taxi drivers: they are already paying out the wazoo! Income tax is 50% and everything else gets also heavily taxed. It’s just crazy. No wonder I couldn’t find a store with reasonable prices. It almost makes me wonder if VERA MODA is making any money at all!
AMIGOS$40 Norwegian Mexican Burrito
I’ll leave you with one last thing: a high fashion ad I saw through a store window. I just thought it was funny 🙂
Last working day in Lindesnes. This afternoon we’ll all head out to Kristiansand, Norway, in preparation for everybody’s early morning flight out of Kristiansand Airport. I’ll be staying in town for an extra day to get some shopping done and fly out on Saturday.
We spent most of the day in meetings and presentations. It’s not all bad, though, the conference room where we are gathered is a cabin-looking building located by the canal. Look at the picture of the view from outside the conference room’s door!
View from our conference roomSerenity NOW!
The meetings were not terribly relevant to me personally, so I was falling sleep. It went by fast, but it certainly gave me a long time to observe. As I looked around the room to a group of people who have been working together for more than 10 years, I felt a sense of fear. Fear that I would never feel comfortable leading a team that big and tight knit. I guess I just feel like you can never really be friends with your subordinates, no matter how open and friendly you are (as I pride myself to be). If I had organized the meeting, I would have not had as much fun as I did being a part of it. I would have been too stressed out faced with the realization that I do not belong in that peer-to-peer relationship they all have. I would be the one they could do without. The butt of the jokes. The one that is not liked, but put up with. It supported my long-time made decision that I would not be happy in a leadership position. It’s just too lonely at the top.
After the meetings we got in a taxi and headed straight for Kristiansand. It was a fun ride there, listening to stories and jokes from my coworkers. We even got into a discussion on some cultures’ traditions of having multiple wives, and how it is or is not the same as a woman having multiple husbands. It went something like this:
A man – It’s ok for a man to have multiple wives, but a woman with multiple husbands? That’s wrong Me – Now, there’s a double standard Man – It’s not a double standard! Think about it. If you got pregnant, and it’s the other man’s baby, why would I pitch in? Me [for the sake of the argument] – Because you already agreed to a committed threesome relationship, and everything is everybody else’s Man – No, it’s messed up Another woman – I guess what I have a problem with is the fact that the woman has no choice in the matter in that marriage, and in such a culture her desires are not taken into account Man [sincerely] – What desires??? Me [taking off my shoe and threatening to beat this man over the head] – WHAT DESIRES???? WHAT DESIRES???? ARE YOU KIDDING ME???
Everybody was laughing, and we couldn’t believe our ears!!! It made for a very entertaining exchange.
The hotel is right downtown, so I was pleased that I wouldn’t have to take a taxi anywhere. I could just walk out and do my shopping tomorrow. I was so excited for the next day to come!
At dinner time we joked some more, but we were tired for the most part. We went to this restaurant, which ended up being the BEST restaurant I have EVER been to!!!
Enok Nilsen Restaurant
Not only was the food great and the staff friendly, but when the night got cold, they had BLANKETS laying around for guests! It was a good blanket too! I was so warm and cozy, I didn’t want to leave!!! Best restaurant EVER!
The chocolate fondant dessert was to die for. It was a mini molten cake with ice cream. DELICIOUS.
Chocolate fondant
Anyways, by the end of the night I was beat.
As I post this, it is midnight (GMT +1). I have to get up early to have breakfast with one of my coworkers before she leaves for home. I’m considering having breakfast and going back to bed… but maybe what I could do is get up at 7:25, and just brush my teeth and go downstairs. I can shower once she’s gone and then I’ll go out and explore.
I woke up to a massive headache, which had not let up since yesterday. I’m starting to think the fresh paint in the hotel room was the culprit. On top of it, my slightly leaking shower problem turned into a major flooding one. I had to shower in a different room. Not a great way to start the day, but they had a casual day of activities planned for the day, so something had to give.
We ended up at Vikingland, a fun little place where I got to dress as a Viking (willingly – see picture) and got to fight a real life Viking! I lost, of course. They also had archery and an obstacle course. I was particularly impressed at my wall climbing skills! At the place we had a great fish soup and birthday cake for one of our coworkers.
I am a viking!
Afterwards we went on a lovely boat ride to the Lindesnes Lighthouse, the southernmost point of all of Norway. Despite feeling a bit queasy at times, I loved being out in the sea and had a wonderful time getting to know my peers better. I even found out that the General Manager of the Lindesnes plant is a descendant of real life Vikings! Incredible.
Lindesnes Lighthouse
Then we went to a little restaurant walking distance from the hotel:
Immensity
The restaurant used to be a barn and it was turned into a Belgian restaurant. I had the steak, but some had the reindeer. I tried a little, and it wasn’t bad, but I just couldn’t get past the idea that I was eating Rudolf.
Reindeer on a plate
Had the Belgian Waffles for dessert, of course, even though they weren’t on the dessert menu. The waiter couldn’t believe his ears.
Belgian Waffles!
Ended the night with a lovely walk under the stars across a rural/residential area of Lindesnes. I wish my husband had been there with me. It was quite romantic.
First day at work, and I already got chewed out. Turns out that people expect a lot more from my job than they actually get. I sent an email to my boss to tell her about the gap between expectations and reality, and my biggest fear is that she will come back saying that I am wrong and their expectations are actually true. Won’t that be a nice shot at my credibility?
We spent the day in meetings, and by the end I had a splitting headache. We did get to take a plant tour (see the picture – the coat says “Visitor” in Norwegian). I wish I could say it was fun, but I was so disappointed about the turn of events in the morning that I was just internally tantruming. I was tired, hungry, and extremely whiny. I wanted to just quit all this nonsense and skip right to shopping and sightseeing!
Visitor
We were supposed to have an outdoorsy team building event tomorrow, but a storm is fast approaching and now we have no idea what they’re gonna have us do. Maybe stay in and play Monopoly 😉 I’d be happy enough to stay in my room watching Frasier episodes 🙂
Oh yeah, and remember how I said that my hotel is still under construction? See the picture of it below. I really wasn’t kidding!
Scandic Hotel, Lindesnes
For dinner, we ended up at a restaurant called Provianten in the town of Mandal, about 30min away from Lindesnes. It was a great place by the lake. Mmm I keep calling it a lake, but really it’s a massive canal that ends in the North Sea. Anyways, Norway is a great place for fish, even if Norwegians joke that pizza is their national dish 😉 Apparently they are serious about pizza around here.
I had the mussels appetizer and the spare ribs special. It was delicious, and I had a great time trading marriage stories with a few of my coworkers.
I did have a culture shock moment, though. I felt like an idiot, but I’ll leave the judgment up to you. While we were picking out items from the menu, I asked my coworkers whether they would join me in sharing the mussels appetizer. The Americans passed, they don’t like mussels, but the British and Norwegian ones were tentative. I thought it was the usual reaction of “I’ll wait to see if someone else would like to jump in, and if nobody does, I’ll speak up” – but my interpretation was completely off.
They asked me if I didn’t feel like I could handle a whole dish by myself. I said it wasn’t a matter of being able to handle it, I am just not used to having an appetizer all on my own. They said that, in the UK and Norway, for the most part, appetizers are individual dishes; unless it was Chinese food. And even then, they are absolutely disgusted by the possibility of double dipping.
Even after they told me that, I still asked if anyone would share with me. I was SO uncomfortable not sharing appetizers! In the end, I let it go on the account that my British counterpart, who had originally caved under my insistence, actually wanted to get an app of her own.
The mussels plate was definitely individual sized. Not at all like the portions you would get at Atlantic Fish & Co in Boston, which are meant for sharing.
I am in Lindesnes, Norway. As I type this up on my phone, I’m sitting on a rocky deck watching the sun go down over a gorgeous lake right outside my hotel. I sit here all alone because I prefer it over being in there doing nothing. The rocks looked so inviting from my window that I had to seize the moment and take them up on it.
Sitting by the lake
I came here to think and write about nothing in particular.
The wind is blowing my way and each gust is colder than the one before. Good thing I brought a thick windbreaker on the trip, even when the weather forecast called for temperatures in the 60s and rain. Fortunately there has been none of the latter.
A seagull just screamed behind me. Is that what seagulls do? They are no chirpers or tweeters for sure.
The air just feels pure. It smells like ocean.
it smells like ocean
I can see shadows moving in the lobby of the hotel across the lake. It could be the others gathering around for dinner. I guess I should go join them. I wouldn’t want to be left out.
To summarize my experience so far: I feel good about my jet lag: I’ve adjusted stupendously. The coworkers I have interacted with so far hate the fact that they have been dragged away from their busy lives to come to a senseless meeting in the middle of nowhere, and they can’t wait to be on the first flight out as soon as the meetings are over. Their Debbie Downer attitude bugs me to no end, as I have gone out of my way to stay an additional day and mingle with the rural Norwegian folk. The hotel WILL be a great place once it officially opens: it’s still under construction! There are no hangers, irons, blow dryers, internet or more than 1 TV channels. I feel like I am in an oversized concrete cabin in the countryside of paradise. No country music, though 😉
Last weekend my husband, Brian, and I celebrated my newly found freedom (from class) by getting some McDonalds and watching Star Trek: First Contact (1996).
A quote from that movie has been bouncing in my head all week. This is what Jean-Luc Picard answered to the question “You don’t use money in the 24th century?”
“The acquisition of wealth is no longer the driving force in our lives. We work to better ourselves and the rest of humanity.”
— Jean-Luc Picard, Star Trek: First Contact
I often fantasize about what it would be like to really think of my job as a calling, a duty, a source of satisfaction. I’ve often said that I know this (job) is not what I want to do for the rest of my life. For that reason, it’s hard to think of it as something I would do even if I weren’t getting paid for it.
However, that same quote also gives me hope for future jobs. New community, new goals, new management, new chance to prove myself. Maybe if I were to start from scratch, learning a new technology, a new business model, I’d be more open to brainwashing. I remember when I started working and I truly wanted to do a great job and be the best at everything. I’d give anything to feel that way again…
I wouldn’t be surprised if I found that I have already used that title in past posts. It just seems like we’re always waiting for something, doesn’t it?
I thought I’d be happy when I finished the MBA. Well, that day has come and gone, and even though I did enjoy the perk of having no homework to do last weekend, I still feel incomplete.
I’ll be happy in September when I’m done traveling and my calendar opens up to a world of possibilities.
Sigh… Even I know that statement is false and flawed in every way. I know this like I know the sun will set tonight. I will not be happy at all. I will be writing the next entry in the “I’ll be happy when…” series.
Does it ever end? Do we ever stop wanting a change and ever just admire our accomplishments and those things that make us happy to be in our own shoes? Do we ever even want that day to come at all?
They say that if they put all of your family and friends’ problems in a hat, you are most likely to wish you fished out your own problems. So, in a sick way, we want our problems all to ourselves: we know them, we’ve nurtured them, and we still have faith that we’ll overcome them some day. That’s why they call them YOUR problems.
So, let’s just put things into perspective: you are healthy, responsible, loved and successful. Savor that for a while before a REAL problem strikes and it gives you an actually valid reason to whine about.
MonologueI had no plans for the weekend. If you know anything about me, you would know that having no plans is a deadly thing for my state of mind, and that doing SOMETHING is always preferable to sitting around at home.
I tried to make plans with friends for the weekend, but none panned out. Before I entered into a panic, I asked my husband out to an early movie. We saw Inception at the Legacy Place cinema in Dedham, MA. We sat in the luxury level and spent a fortune on seats and food, but it was a great experience (especially if you don’t do it too often, it was quite special). Afterwards, I beat my fear of rejection and I asked him if he wanted to go to Barnes & Noble with me. I love going there to browse. I usually walk out with a brand new idea and excitement build-up. To my surprise, he said yes! We stopped by the house to pick up his computer, and he sat at the Starbucks doing his thing while I lost myself in the sea of books, or, like I like to call them, “other brains.”
Just when I thought I would not find a new idea, and was ready to go home, I happened by the Theater/Drama section. I rushed to it and found a book of Monologues. What a challenge! Learning a monologue by heart and figuring out how to perform it in a realistic way. I used to be pretty good in high school theater, and I had a knack for memorizing long piece of texts. So I picked it up, bought it, and in a half hour I had memorized the following monologue from the play Convergence: (I’m typing it from memory, by the way)
I wonder what has become of you. I wonder how my memory would stand up alongside the living version of you. I wonder if we would pass by each other and never know it. I wonder if we already have. These unfinished letters are a way to cut through the loneliness. To overcome Kibera which is not at all a lonely place. Is it not dissonant when we feel the most alone when we are surrounded by nothing but people? This all, all of it, sounds so formal. I hate to think about you, of all people, formally. Which is to say even the thought of you makes me feel safe. We can, both of us, pinpoint the moment it stopped being safe, when life informed us we weren’t the only ones on the planet. But the time before. That was lovely. So perhaps it’s not you but a confident, happy, innocent version of myself that I miss. Perhaps that’s who you are to me. Perhaps that is what this perpetual, habitual letter is all about? Perhaps.
Who knows, maybe I’ll create a youtube channel and perform them as realistically as I can. Wouldn’t that be fun? That would definitely be a challenge, wouldn’t it? My creative juices are dying to get out, and I guess I’m experimenting with different ways to do so. This one is particularly great, because I haven’t done acting in so long… it really takes me back.
Whatever the case, I’m trying to become comfortable with the fact that I ENJOY jumping from idea to idea, without committing to sticking to any one in particular. That has been a really difficult thing to admit for me. I thought I was focused and ambitious. Turns out that I am more of a flake. I’m trying to embrace my flakiness in my hobbies, so I hope you are not surprised if next week I decide to give a shot at something else 🙂
Anyways, I’ve had a great weekend so far. I’d like to publicly thank Brian for agreeing to go out with me. It might be hard for some people to understand, but introverts like to be in the house and to be left alone. When you know the answer will be “no” to a question like going out somewhere, and you have the issues with rejection that I do, you dread asking the question in the first place. So it took courage of me to overcome my fear and ask anyway, and it took courage of him to overcome his anxieties about leaving his comfort zone to take me out. There’s a lot of courage going around this weekend, and I’m thankful that we could both overcome it and have a great time in the process 🙂
I have been smiling since I woke up this morning… isn’t that strange? I’m on the train to work right now, and I’m still smiling. Let me tell you what I did this weekend, and maybe you can help me decipher the mystery behind the smile:
Friday: worked from home. Did laundry, cleaned up the house, watched movies, went to Friendly’s for dinner with my love. Saturday: Woke up at the crack of 9am to cram for the Math MTEL test. Took the test in the afternoon. Got back home to Bertucci’s and movies. Practiced piano for a whole hour. Fell asleep on the couch. Sunday: Woke up (still on the couch) at the crack of 8:30am. Borrowed neighbors’ SUV to go to Home Depot and rent a Pressure Washer. I spent the rest of the morning cleaning the back deck, front steps, front rock-wall (aka playing with squirty water). At 2:30 I cuddled up to a nice soft fleece and some pop corn to watch the Spain vs Netherlands World Cup Final (GO SPAIN!). Fell asleep on the couch again. Woke up at 8pm to make copies of my passports so I’m ready to get them renewed today at lunch. I also prepared a skirt “outfit” to wear on Monday. Went to bed at 9:30pm, wrote in my little (physical) journal, and went to sleep. Monday morning: woke up at 6am, had breakfast on our newly cleaned deck, raked a little bit in the back yard (just a couple of minutes), showered, and got dressed/moisturized as I watched The Devil Wears Prada yet again (for the 6th time in the past week). Made it on the 7:25am train to work.
I don’t know what it is about that movie, but it really takes me to a different world. I should review it at some point. Actually, I’d really LOVE to read the book. I guess I’m just waiting until things calm down a little bit. I’m on a break from school right now, but it will start again in 2 weeks for just one more week and I’m DONE. After that, I have a couple of weeks of travel for work, and then I have to go full throttle on the basement renovations. I should actually be doing that right NOW… anyways… too busy to make reading a book my priority, as I would like to.
Whatever the case, I’m so happy right now. I am wearing a well thought-out outfit, I did something different with my hair, and I have plans for today: renew my passports, have lunch with friends (if they are available), and MAYBE do something this evening… although I haven’t really decided that yet… it’s kind of wacky and totally out there, and it’s not that close to my house… so I don’t know if I will… it really does sound kinda crazy… but I have the feeling I would like it. I don’t know… I’ll let you know what it is if I decided to do it.
Ok, I’m about to get to the station and lose wi-fi signal. Have a GREAT day!!!
Remember how I said that I put too much weight on my so-called hobbies? Well, I’ve been paying extra attention to that recently and it is quite disconcerting.
For example, I watched “The Devil Wears Prada” a couple of nights ago with my sister, whom we call Monica Geller, and I paid close attention to my feelings after the movie: I wanted to change my outlook on work wardrobe, I wanted to get skinny, I wanted to find a new job I could feel passionate about, I wanted to feel free to quit my job to pursue a bigger dream. As you can see, the movie triggered all these desires in me to be BETTER, more BEAUTIFUL, more PASSIONATE in my LIFE. Why couldn’t I just enjoy the movie and move on with my life? Why does everything have to apply to the rest of my life?
Another example: I was on the radio last night. I called up WBZ Dan Rea’s show to just jab about sun dresses and the heat. I really knocked it out of the park. He LOVED me. My thought: maybe I have a future in broadcasting.
Why can’t I just do something for FUN and that’s it???? It is OK to have meaningless fun that will not affect my entire future!!!!! Can my mind please stop racing???
… realize I forgot something at home when I’m already on my way.
Sometimes it’s my rings or sunglasses (I’ve actually turned around and gone back for those), other times it’s a book I wanted to read on the flight, and other times it’s an essential that I happened to take out of my travel kit at the last minute (like deodorant). Don’t you hate it when that happens?
My father would say “that’s a symptom to a lack of process.” Helpful, huh?
What’s most frustrating of all is the fact that these inconveniences can’t be blamed on others: they are 100% self-inflicted. And we keep doing them over and over and over!
What other thing do you tend to do to yourself that you hate it when you do? After missing the train this morning (TWICE), my husband’s answer would probably be “oversleeping.” [shaking head] When will we learn?
Last night I commuted to school after work for the last time. My last class will be a 1-week intensive course, for which I will take vacation time off, during the last week of July. Then, my life calendar will be empty once more.
Today I crossed out the second-to-last week of class off my countdown doodle on my work white board, and it is a beautiful sight.
If I measured my level of happiness based on how many times I smile during the day, how many times I adopt a peppy attitude towards the little things, or how few negative thoughts come to my mind in the 16 hours I am awake, I’d probably have to conclude that I am not a very happy individual.
No, this is not another whiny entry on how miserable I am, and how nothing seems to make it better, although I can see why you would think that.
Reality is that I have not reached that point in the past couple of weeks where I feel comfortable in my own skin. However, I think I have found something that is going to add some joy to my thoughts, some spring to my steps, some rainbows to my days. Today, ladies and gentlemen, I had my very first piano lesson!
First off, I got the name off of Craigslist, which is a bit sketchy considering mass murderers have advertised there. So I took a couple of escorts with me, and went to meet a lovely Japanese girl who graduated from Berklee College of Music, and who was as delightful as can be – all despite her having exactly the same name as the main singer of a girl pop band in Japan (weird, huh?). She went over the basics and made me play Ode to Joy with the right hand, then with the left hand. I was in heaven! I had so much fun!
To top it all off, she said I could email her a few songs (by… say, Taylor Swift, maybe?) and she would arrange a piano accompaniment for them so I could sing along to her songs as I played. Isn’t that wonderful??? She also showed me that she has the score to “Because of You” by Kelly Clarkson, of which, of course, I only know the Reba McEntire and Kelly Clarkson country version. But I told her to keep it in my repertoire to revisit at a later date.
It was the most fun I have had since my trip to Washington DC for my anniversary. What can I say, it was just a delightful way to get me out of my blues.
It shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone to hear that I have had a pretty rough couple of weeks. I changed careers in my mind 3 times, and slowly swirled into a depression that reached rock bottom yesterday. Now, I don’t want you to worry about me, depression happens some times, and it’s the way my brain likes to “reset” itself. I always come out of it. What’s interesting to see is what idea I got in my head this time to snap out of it.
Last night I had two very meaningful conversations. One with a good friend, whom I call Alicia Keys on this blog, and one with my husband, Brian. Alicia was extremely supportive and lent me a good ear when I needed it most. I explained to her that it has been really hard for me to find the right balance in my life. When I’m too busy and unhappy I tend to keep my calendar clear. Since I have been feeling that way for a few months, I have pretty much alienated my own friends and stopped making plans, all for the sake of keeping a free schedule. And when the day comes when I have absolutely nothing to do, like yesterday, I crash into loneliness and hopelessness. Some people may find it relaxing to have nothing to do, but I find it more rewarding to plan my time and spend time with friends… that’s one thing I finally learned about myself yesterday.
Then there was the conversation with Brian. I told him I was scared shitless of wasting my time. Of just “finding things to do to pass the time” <– what a useless life I'd lead that way. He thinks I should stop thinking of a grand goal, and just start doing things I enjoy doing. Stop trying to think of something to do that will become my calling in life, and just start enjoying the little things. He suggested a bunch of things to do, like teaching Spanish to adults, or volunteering at the TV station, or learning to play an instrument. That conversation, combined with the one I had with Alicia's, was instrumental in getting me out of the dog house.
This morning I woke up at 9am, and went to the gym. I took a power yoga class from 9:45 to 11am. Then went to a family picnic for father's day, and came home eager to PLAN my week.
I also went on eBay and bid on a 49-key basic (children's) keyboard just 10 min before the auction was over. Plus shipping, it cost $25 in total. Now that I have an instrument to practice at home, I went ahead and signed up for piano classes at an academy nearby. Wouldn't that be fun? That's the point: it's FUN. No goal, no grander plan, just do something that I would look forward to every week. Wouldn't that be a nice change?
So that's the latest update… no more free schedule — I have to find a balance between relaxation, socializing, fun and work… and I can't do it while avoiding the world.
My head really goes a million miles a minute, doesn't it? Trust me, it's harder to live it than to read about it. It's crazy in here.
I’m feeling a little bit better today than I did yesterday, and I felt a little better yesterday than I did the day before. I think some would call this progress.
I have had so much on my mind these past couple of weeks. Applications to teaching positions, finding out about the profession, finding out about OTHER professions, plus being sick, it’s all just crashing on me at once, and I’m just completely weakened by it.
Christine, Halfawake, Erin, thank you so much for your comments. I appreciate the advice. Yes, I find blogging therapeutic, I will look into the inspirational quotes website, and Erin, I learned to never take a book recommendation from you again! I’m joking. I’ll check out your book rec. I like inspirational stories, they really lift you up. It’s like when you see those depression drug commercials: I see the people on the screen moping around and not feeling like doing anything, and I feel like taking them by the hand and taking them out for a walk or just to do SOMETHING. The ads definitely make me want to take action, not take medication 😉 If you got how this relates to inspirational stories, I’ll give you a medal.
I’m happy to report that I have 2 weeks left of school. Isn’t that unbelievable? I will finish Summer I on June 30th, and then I’ll just have a week-long intensive class on the last week of July, and it’s finito. No more school for me. For goodness sake, I have been in school longer than I have been married. It’s definitely time to graduate and get on with my life. I look forward to having evenings off. Ahh, that’ll be the life.
Here are some things I’m looking forward to:
Trip to Orlando next week (yeeeaahhh)
Trip to Austin in 2 weeks (gonna go see my babies! — niece & nephew)
Finishing school (as mentioned above)
Getting bored so I can think of fun things to fill my time with, for instance:
Acting (I used to be quite good in my prime)
Singing (not AWESOME at it, I just love doing it)
Teaching Spanish to friends and Brian
Reading books / Join a bookclub
Writing more
Exercising (it’s time to start using that gym membership)
Seeing friends more
Something else I haven’t come up with yet
Those are just some things I think about. However, there is no escaping a very hard truth: finishing school will NOT solve all of my problems. I’ll still be back here blogging about what to do with my life and how confused I am. I’m starting to think I’ll need “settle down and stop thinking so much” medication… OR I’ll have to figure out how to control my hyperactive mind.
A friend asked me recently if I had ever met anybody who jumped from idea to idea as quickly as I did, and someone who actually took action on it, the way I do. I do have one friend who doesn’t know what to do with her life and sometimes takes some kind of action to find out. But she’s probably 50% as obsessed as I am. Am I really alone out there? Is there anybody else out there who would like to take crazy classes with me, or change careers with me? Mmmm.
I think there should be an app akin to the one that checks your drunken state before you text or email someone, but that prevents you from blogging if you’re feeling down… Like right now.
I am tired, nervous, anxious, nervous, down, nervous. It’s not a good nervous, though. It’s a level of stress that I’m not comfortable with. Why can’t I translate nervousness to excitement? Anxiety to anticipation? A frown to a smile?
That got me thinking that there must be a formula out there for an immediate pick-me-up. Right, drugs, but I’m thinking of something more natural. Maybe a book of jokes, good quotes, a Voicemail from your husband saying how much he loves you, I mean, there has got to be a way to beat the blues.
Taylor Swift reads her myspace comments when she’s having a bad day… Too bad not all of us have an unlimited arsenal of love or a fan club.
Something’s bothering me, but I know it doesn’t bother everyone, and I wish I were one of those people. They are happy people.
We all know about my infatuation with Taylor Swift. If you’ve read my past entry about Girl Crushes, you’d understand that there are certain women whom I admire. I want to be near them, I want to talk to them, I want their happiness to rub off on me.
Warning: The next 3 paragraphs are the background of how I got to this point and it’s kinda boring… you can skip to “So what bothers me about this?” to not waste precious seconds of your life.
Yesterday Taylor hosted a Meet & Greet for what ended up being 14.5 hours of just meeting, hugging, kissing fans and taking pictures with them (in Nashville, TN, for Country Fest — which I did not attend). It was broadcasted live on the web, so I logged on a couple of times throughout the day to see how she was doing. She’s just so genuinely appreciative of her fans, and she has an amazing self-awareness, uncharacteristic of a typical 20 year old, that makes her see that she’s a huge influence in young girls (plus me). She knows she’s being watched and people hang onto her every word, so she always makes sure to be positive, encouraging, and self-esteem raising. She’s what I think a real-life Barbie doll would be: considerate, ethical and just sweet.
After the broadcast, it gave you a “suggested” video, which was a 1-hour webchat with Taylor at her house. She read questions and answered them from her personal Mac webcam. That was in 2008.
Then last night I had a dream about her. There was a Taylor Swift camp, and all the girls were there to meet Taylor and spend time with her. I remember waking up and thinking that I had to go back and do something… I don’t remember what it was… I was writing a book? making a scrapbook? I don’t remember, but I needed to go back and finish it! It was so real.
So what bothers me about this? I lied in bed last night for about 20 min thinking about what it is that I love about Taylor so much and why do I find being star-struck so frustrating at the same time. I know that I love that she is doing something she loves to do and that she’s really good at. That’s why this is not just a celebrity crush, I also have this kind of infatuation for others that love what they do and do it well despite adversity, like my sister-in-law, who is yet to be christianed with a new name on this blog. She’s a teacher, and she knew she wanted to do this all her life. She puts up with the downs because this is IT for her. I guess I wish I were so sure about my life path as Taylor and sis-in-law are.
I was trying to think what would be the end result of my soul search. How would it feel? I couldn’t come up with anything. I just can’t see myself being perfectly content with just one thing. I am always thinking, jumpy, nervous, hating everything, wishing I were somewhere else. I could not picture a single scenario where I was happy and content and static. For some reason that’s how I define happiness: do something you like, do it well, live worry-free for the rest of your life. Even in my dreams I can’t accomplish that.
I am also nervous because I have been thinking about teaching versus working at my husband’s company, and my husband’s company is winning. I couldn’t have foreseen feeling like this in a million years. I guess the money issue is really a big one, especially right now. If I could make some money and save up, maybe I would be ready for a career in teaching. I really need to take a good look at my finances at some point.
So, I didn’t have any real conclusion. Apparently I am doomed to wandering in anxiety for the rest of eternity. What a life…
This whole week has been an emotional roller coaster. It started out with job applications and a full blown freak out over this career change. I talked to some teachers in my life (sister and sister-in-law) for a LONG time and picked their brains about teaching, the environment, the nuisances, the absolute stupidness of the administration, and parents’ intrusive entitlement.
I can’t say I full grasp how difficult a profession it is without having been in those shoes, but I can say that it did not deter me from trying it. Here’s my bottom line: every time I hit a slump in my job, I think “I am going to try teaching now!” It’s just something I need to try. Worst case scenario: I have the worst year of my life, I get it out of my system, and never try it again. No more “what might have been.” Best case scenario: I try it, I love it, and wonder why it took me so long to take the plunge.
Everyone agrees that it will be really hard for me to find a job as a teacher for this fall. So I’m going to pursue that job at my husband’s company and keep doing the teaching thing on the side. It’s a win-win: I don’t give up on teaching, just become better prepared, while I’m making money to pay for the licensing education. Plus, I get to try another company out. It’s just time.
We’ll see what happens, but I can say that my mood has definitely improved. Whatever happens, I’m OK with it.
I looked into education programs to go from a Preliminary to an Initial license. These programs are not trivial! They are full blown programs that may take you anywhere from 2 to 3 years to complete. The Mass Dept of Education website has this list of recognized programs in Massachusetts: Programs Directory.
I contacted a few of them, and most of them said their enrollment was already closed for 2010-2011. Too bad.
That’s when I started looking for online programs: going at my own pace, better chance of rolling enrollment, etc.
Most of these online programs are based out of state, but they can be verified and recognized by the Massachusetts DOE as long as the program is accredited by one of these organizations: Accredited Organizations
Besides being accredited by the organizations, the institution of your choice must also be in a state that enjoys reciprocity with Massachusetts. Here is the form that needs to be filled out. Look at the last page to see the state and certification type that has reciprocity: Reciprocity Form
To find an online program, go to eLearner. On the right-hand side, use the dropdowns to select the following options:
Certificate Programs
Education and Training
General Education
That will take you to programs that MAY have an Initial license certification program. Make sure to read through the descriptions and contact the universities directly to find out for sure!
I contacted a couple of them, and I have phone calls pending to find out more about the tuition, pace, etc.
I actually liked what I read about Western Governors University. You pay by the semester (less than $3,000), which means that you can cram as many classes as you possibly can in one semester. The faster you finish, the more you save. That idea was really appealing to me.
I asked them more about it. They said you have to sign up for a minimum of 12 credits. If you still have time left in the semester after you are done with those, you can add more onto your load mid-semester without paying more.
Good things happened last night. I made dinner for Brian and we talked for about two hours about finances and teaching. Regarding finances, we decided to make some cuts to our current lifestyle. We seem to be on the same page, so I have full faith we will survive with my income cut back.
About teaching, he had a very good point. He said that he would like to see me pursue the job at his company as a Plan B to teaching. As my friend, mathteacher, pointed out in a comment on my last post, getting a teaching job is not as easy as applying. You need a license, and getting a license requires education, which I do not have. I know you can work towards your license by studying part-time while you work full-time, but there are many people out there with a perfectly good license who also need a job. The reality is that I might not get a teaching job this fall. It’s sad, but it is true.
Don’t fret, though. There is still hope. Brian completely agrees that I should get out of my company as soon as possible. He thinks that if I don’t get a teaching job, I could get a job at his company and then work towards going to teaching for fall of 2011. I didn’t like it when he suggested I worked there when I thought he meant permanently, but he seems to have come around to the idea that I need to get this out of my system, and he is OK with me trying it out for a while. That gave me strength.
Mathteacher’s comment about the license is something that has kept my wheels turning in my head all morning. I need to find out about licensing programs so I can start taking those classes in the fall. If I get a teaching job, then I’ll be taking them part-time, as planned. If I don’t get a teaching job, I can take my pretty paycheck from the new job and use it towards paying for the program. Either way, I need to get into some education plan towards the license!!!
Thanks to my husband and mathteacher, this is really taking some shape. THANK YOU!!!
My sister, whom I call Monica Geller, had a very good piece of advice.
She said that Brian just wants to see me happy. If teaching is something that I really wanted to do, I should be excited and looking forward to the process. I shouldn’t be moping around saying how scared out of my mind I am. That gives the impression that I am having second thoughts, and he will feel the need to rescue me.
I thought that was a GREAT point. I have been so scared about the change, that I have not enjoyed the fact that I might be changing careers to something more creative, exciting and fulfilling than what I have been doing for the past several years. I think it’s time to start getting excited about this! It’s time to buckle down and study for the Math MTEL, and interview more teachers and find out what else there is to know about the process.
It’s time to hold my chin up high, and start ENJOYING my future career from NOW!
I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out. I am freaking out.
Over the weekend I submitted a few applications for Math positions near my hometown. I even submitted one for Northeastern University. I submitted a couple more today. I was (and still am) very very nervous, and I hadn’t been able to talk to my husband, Brian, in full about this yet. He was sick all weekend and it was just a bad time to talk.
Last night I told him how nervous and scared I was. I guess I was expecting him to tell me that it was going to be OK and that I was doing all the right things, but instead, he revealed his true concerns (which is OK, it was just not what I needed to hear). He asked me what things I needed in a job that I am not getting from my current one. My answers:
Interaction with people: All of my interaction is with people over the phone or email. I do not work with anybody in this office.
Recognition for a job well done: I don’t care about what I do, I don’t get appreciation when I do it, and I get the impression that my boss doesn’t care about it either. So why am I doing it?
Brian then went on to say that those things might be available in his company at a position that he thinks I would be great at. He said he knew that’s not what I wanted to hear, but he thought I was really good at project management and I would be working with a lot of people and clients every day. He said that every person who works in that team at his office actually worked in my company at one point or another, and now they LOVE their jobs. He thinks this change might have a more positive effect on me.
I rolled over away from him.
I would hate to wake up one day two years from now and realize that I am now two more years into a career I don’t like or have ever enjoyed. It’s even worse, though, because now I’d be in a company where my own husband works and it might not look great on him if I quit after two years. Also, it’ll be harder to leave a new job, rather than an old one. I am afraid that if I don’t give teaching a shot now, I will always have that as my potential Plan B, and always go through this freak-out every time I think about changing careers.
Is it really so wrong to try this out for a year or so? Would it hurt anyone if I just changed now? If I didn’t like it, then who cares. I’ll come back to corporate. My experience and education are not going anywhere. I have demonstrated consistency and excellence in performance for 7 years. I could always spin the year I spent teaching as a wonderful experience and as something that was a dream of mine to try.
Would a company really not hire me for having taken a year off to try something new? Seriously? Am I going to become completely unmarketable if I take a year off to do this? Who’s to say I’d even want to go back to corporate?
I am so freaking out about this change right now. I’m hyperventilating and depressed and I can’t think straight.
For the past couple of months I have been settling into a new job. Same company, same desk, different boss, different duties. It was exciting to finally leave my old role after a couple of years working with the same team and task list, so I decided to give this new job a fair shot and stop looking for jobs outside during my transition.
Two months later, I am back where I left off on this Blog: unhappy, in need for a change, wondering what a career in teaching would be like.
After a lot of career soul searching, and a billion new hobbies (and blogs) later, I find myself still having no clue what I want to do, but in dire need for change. So I took some action.
I signed up for the Math MTEL to teach high school math, just to make sure I did get my teaching license this year, per my predefined goal. A week later, I opened up http://higheredjobs.com and saw an interesting posting for a full time faculty position teaching IT at a nearby college. I seized the golden opportunity and I applied for it.
The moments that followed were of utter horror. Did I really just apply for a job as a teacher? Am I serious about this? Am I ready to cut my pay in half? What if they called me back for an interview? What then? Am I really doing this? For real???
I completely freaked out. I realized that the only people who would not think this was a stupid idea would be my husband and my sister. My husband was sick, therefore unable to give me the kind of moral support he would have otherwise, and my sister thought it was “interesting.” They don’t disagree with the idea, but they both have the same concern I have: am I really leaving a secure job and big paycheck for a career I don’t even know I will like?
I hyperventilated for a while, and promised my husband that I would take a look at our finances to make sure we’ll be alright.
That’s pretty much where we stand. I applied to that job yesterday. I have homework to do for school, work to do for work, Math studying to do for the MTEL, and groceries to buy so we save some $ on eating out during the week. I’m quite busy, so I’ll keep it in the DL for a little bit and continue letting the idea simmer a bit in my head.
I got to go to the Taylor Swift concert on June 5th at Foxboro (Gillette) Stadium. It was great, but I had really crappy seats on the floor… or so I thought. At one point in the concert, Taylor came all the way down from the side seats touching, hugging, kissing fans while she made her way to the center of the stadium, where she sang some songs raised up on a platform. It just so happens that my crappy seats were on the second row of the aisle where she passed by. I put my hand out there and I actually touched Taylor. It’s all on tape! Here’s a frame of it:
I can’t do it. I can’t continue to put the life I want on hold. I want to do something out of the box, I want something creative, I want something ELSE. I want everything all at once. I want to try something different every week. I want to figure out what it is that I love to do.
I have decided not to pursue jobs in my area of work. I am done putting a wall of money between me and my happiness. That’s my vow.
This past weekend I had a revelation. It was a half-epiphany really. I went to Washington DC for my second wedding anniversary trip, and had the time of my life with my husband. I actually think that we fell in love all over again on that trip. But that’s not what my revelation was about.
We were having lunch at a little restaurant off of Seward Square: pizza, of course. And for the first time in many years I did not wish I had the clerk’s job. That was the revelation, and it caught me by complete surprise. I know it sounds silly, but I tend to wish I could walk in anybody else’s shoes but my own.
I think I pinpointed the moment when I had this transformation. We had the opportunity to sit through a vote at the House of Representatives. It was great! I looked at the reps and thought what a cool job it must be to pull the strings of a whole country. Imagine representing a whole constituency and act on their behalf.
Although I thought that was a cool job, I didn’t really wish I had that job either, but made me realize that I want a job that I’m so passionate about that I want to be the best at it. Remember that feeling?
So all of the sudden, the pizza man’s job doesn’t meet my standards; they are not going anywhere.
I also figured out how a job is so much like a relationship. When you try so hard to find one, your desperation blinds you from any standards. But when you focus on doing things you like for the pure enjoyment of it, relationships find you. In the case of a job, you just gotta do what makes your heart sing.
So I started attending my town’s government meetings and started a new blog about my town at norwoodma.wordpress.com and I am so excited to play journalist for a little while.
Did you know that there are people out there making a living on blogging and writing reports for online publications? People actually make money doing what I enjoy as a hobby!
If only I had the courage to give it a real shot. I guess it will have to be a hobby until I get good enough for people to what to read me in the first place!
I’m having “one of those days” where my self-confidence is down in the dumps. I am sick and tired of everything and I just want to go home and sit on my front steps and just stare into space. To top it all off, the weather is crummy today, so I can’t even escape to the comforting warmth of summer.
I keep going back in circles in my head on what to do with my life/time. It seems like all I do is fill my time, while not actually accomplishing anything fruitful for my life. I want to do so much, but nothing seems to bring me happiness. I have thought of my options, but they all sound completely conflicting with one another. See for yourself:
Action
Purpose/Goal
Find another job in my area of expertise (healthcare/IT)
Money: Get a bigger paycheck that will help me pay for my basement reconstruction
Get my teaching license and become an educator for the state of Massachusetts
Tranquility: Lead a more subdued life, while taking advantage of my creativity, as well as organization and public speaking skills. Prepare for a family: Get summers off, match my kids’ schedule.
Pursue an entrepreneurial venture
Challenge myself: Join a startup and help get investors.
Work at a small company in my area of expertise
Try something new: My family is of the thought that I need to try a different (more local) office environment before writing it off. This may mean a paycut.
As you can see, I have my reasons to pursue any of these options… but none of them actually satisfy ALL my needs. When I’m burnt out, like today, I dream of a simpler life. Just challenging enough, just new enough. Nothing fancy, nothing that would require me to be on call 24/7. Something that will give me time to pursue other interests.
I can’t make decisions when I’m stuck in a rut. In fact, nobody should make decisions based on low-points. The problem is that we are so happy in our high points that it is hard to think of change. I’ve tried to find the right balance: just unhappy enough but not to the point of irrationality, but I have not been successful at coming up with the right strategy. My needs change with every mood point, so each of these options look more appealing than the next in a matter of days.
How am I supposed to know which is right for me right now??? Maybe I just need a change and ANY change will be good… but that’s not always true.
Any suggestions? As an outsider, what do YOU think my problem is? What should I be thinking about instead?
Thank you in advance!!! I REALLY need some advice here.
I have a view of my life that causes me a lot of aggravation. I don’t live life day by day, minute by minute. I live a week at a time. If the week started out crappy, it is very hard to turn it around, and I find myself wanting the week to end so I can start over on Monday.
In a way, this makes my weeks go by faster. I don’t know why, but I just can’t make my weeks last long enough. Whatever the case, this weekly schedule SUCKS when I didn’t have time over the weekend to plan my week.
I wish I could live day by day. Take today, for example. I look good (90 degree weather calls for skirts, which calls for heels, which calls for nice tops, which calls for make up, which all together equals a great outfit), I don’t have that many meetings today, and I made it to work on time. But I still feel like procrastinating. None of these things make me want to work any more than any other day when I look like crap, have a billion meetings, and I’m late to catch my morning train.
On those “bad” days I yearn for the “good” days. I fantasize that if I looked good, made it on time, and was well rested, I’d be more inclined to doing work. Sort of like being a character in Ally McBeal.
Signs that I am not a character in Ally McBeal:
there are no people in my office with whom to have an hour’s worth of entertaining drama.
Nobody cares what I wear at work (refer to point #1)
NPR is my only onsite company.
I’m sure I’d be able to come up with more tell-tale signs if I had ever watched the show.
I’ll leave you with one of the only quotes I remember from Ally McBeal (captured while channel surfing), said by Lucy Liu’s character Ling Woo:
“I’m rich. I only go to work to wear my outfits”
Mmm yeah, not as ideal in practice as it sounds in theory.
Earlier this week an interesting diet was brought to my attention: the Blood Type Diet. I am A+, which, according to the diet, means that I would be energized by a vegetarian diet, rather than a carnivore one (which is recommended for O types).
I am too busy to stick to a diet and track goals and milestones, but I have to say I was intrigued. Last Monday I had the pleasure of having lunch with my friend Angela, who is a vegetarian, and I just said “I’ll have whatever you’re having.” She ended up just recommending something else to me (veggie wrap at Vlora), and she had a Caprese salad (mozzarella chese and tomato). I found my veggie wrap quite tasty, and I have to say I was getting a rush out of not knowing what I was going to eat.
The rest of the week I had lunch with my friend Enrique Montoya, who is also a vegetarian. Every day I would tell him to pick his lunch and just get 2 of whatever it was. This was the most exciting lunch week ever! I was very happy with his selections, I felt like I was eating healthy, and I LOVED the surprise of not knowing what I was going to get. It was great!
I didn’t stick to a fully vegetarian diet… I had chicken for dinner on Monday, turkey on Wednesday, and BBQ chicken pizza on Thursday. But I still feel like I made a small dent in my health by choosing the right stuff for lunch.
Here’s another tip to eat right without having to make huge sacrifices: I read a book (I think it was one of the Suzanne Somers ones) where she talked about food combinations. Turns out that your body will absorb nutrients better if you combine foods in certain ways. Here’s a snapshot of the guidelines (I’m paraphrasing, more detail on the website):
Carbs and Vegetables are OK
Protein/Fats and Vegetables are OK
Never combine protein/fats and carbs!!!
So, basically, you can have a chicken salad or steak salad, but don’t have steak with rice, potatoes or french fries. You can have a veggie wrap or veggie burrito or veggie sandwhich, but don’t add meat to it!
Following this rule, I had a GREAT steak salad at Ivy’s for lunch. They were a bit cheap with the steak (after all, it was only a $12 meal), but it was REALLY tasty. Unfortunately, it’s only been 1 hour and I’m hungry again. Mmmm… I should get a banana or something. Need a snack.
I usually dream at night, but only every so often I remember my dreams without even trying.
Last night’s dream stuck with me.
I was at a game (baseball, maybe?), and I had to step over people’s legs to get to my seat. The girl who was next to my seat said something rude about my inconveniencing her, so I turned around and pulled at her hair for being so damn passive aggressive. She let out a little scream and was going to pull my hair, but I pinned her to her seat by the arms with both my hands. She looked at me like I was crazy. I kept telling her “stop doing this” as she kept her girly cries. I told her that her comment was unnecessary and uncalled for, and she just had to stop. She felt ashamed for having behaved that way, and I felt like I really got through to her. I felt like I was asking her judgmental walls to fall, and it was working. Almost like a Vulcan mind meld or something. She asked me “how do you know me?” Our connection was so strong that she felt like I completely disarmed her.
After that, we became great friends.
Sometimes I do wish I had that power to disarm people. I have been in discussions with people where they completely close off, and I just wish I could dissolve their hard front, especially because I am the kind of person that wears her heart on her sleeve. This is a stupid quality that makes me completely vulnerable, and has gotten me into trouble more than once. However, when others choose not to be transparent with me, I get tired and close off at that point. Why would I make myself vulnerable to someone who doesn’t welcome it or will just put on a front and then go talk about me behind my back? It’s just not worth it.
Anyways, I could analyze this dream five ways to Sunday. I’m of the school of thought that every thought I have is a projection of my own feelings onto something else. I hate people who are not transparent like that girl, because I have been that girl. I block off to the world when I feel like I’m being attacked or misunderstood. In the dream I am telling myself to stop being so petty and shallow and to allow myself to be open. I’m thinking of one particular situation that stressed me out yesterday. I wish I could be a grown up about it, but my inner-ina is tantruming.
ina, author!!!I am so excited to announce that today is my first month anniversary as a published writer (crowd cheers and rejoices). To mark the occasion, I wrote a bit about how social media is now an important part of our friendships and they require more care and loving than we initially expected. The link is below.
Here are all the articles I have written for The Daily Get Up so far.
If you like any of them, I invite you to comment in the article itself. That helps us get more people into the conversation! Warning: it can get heated! 🙂
Thanks to those of you who have been reading the articles for your support! I do hope you are enjoying them. If you are interested in becoming a contributor yourself, just go to The Daily Get Up website and click on the article called Your Voice Here: Get Published on The Daily Get Up.
iPod: when they first came out, they were too expensive and I already had a MiniDisk player that worked just fine (early 2000’s). In 2005 I got a Shuffle as a present, and it ended up breaking (it wouldn’t charge anymore). Took it to the store, and one of them Geniuses said I had to buy a new one. Reluctant to spend money on a gift, I left it alone. I didn’t use it that much anyway. During my years of pondering whether to get an iPod, I still found it offensively expensive and I had heard that the Apple music format was not compatible with anything else BUT Apple… so I always had the question of whether I would be able to populate my thousands and thousands of pirated songs (from the good old Napster days) into an iPod anyway. I never cared enough to find out the answer. It was just too much trouble. For my birthday, my husband got me an mp3 player that has FM radio (Sandisk Sansa). At this point, even if I wanted an iPod, I would not buy one for the simple fact that it doesn’t have FM radio. What can I say? I like my NPR.
Mac: I grew up on PC. I know the OS inside and out. I understand the command prompt and the file structure. I find Macs difficult to use because I don’t know them. I hate the fact that the backspace button says “Delete.” I hate that I would have to re-learn everything I know about shortcuts on a new system. I thought of getting a Mac so I can do my video editing on a more media-friendly machine, but then I just realized it would be too expensive a purchase just to use one application more effectively. I got a Dell Studio 19 inch laptop in PINK instead. I’m very happy with my choice.
iPhone: my husband is a Verizon freak. If it ever came to a choice between me and Verizon, there is no doubt in my mind that Verizon would win. I would not switch services to AT&T, no matter how cool the iPhone is. Now, let’s put the service provider aside. I NEVER get the first generation of any new technology, so I sat tight and waited for the iPhone reviews to pour in. A couple of years later, Verizon started coming up with their “response to the iPhone” and I just thought I’d wait for that instead. As for functionality, I do a fair amount of blogging on my smartphone, and it is very important to me that the keyboard is responsive. I have tested the iPhone’s keyboard, and I get more gibbirish than anything. It just doesn’t agree with me, so I would not find it very useful for my most important smartphone task. Byebye iPhone, you’re just not cool enough to make me switch.
iPad: only time will tell. Too early to review. However, I did go to the Mac store and tried out their keyboard (for blogging, of course), and it gave me gibbirish. The Z and the Y are inverted!!! what??? I DON’T THINK SO.
As for what happened to my broken unfixable Shuffle, well… it got what it deserved. iPod Shuffle’s fall from grace
Sorry it’s not a very scientific review… it’s more of a laymen review.
I just found out, by pure happenstance, that I am now officially too old to audition for American Idol.
I was having lunch with a couple of coworkers, who are in their 40s/50s, and I mentioned to them how much I love to sing karaoke. The next comment was predictable: “so have you auditioned for Idol?” my answer is always the same “I would LOVE to do it one day! I know my voice is not good enough to make it through, I just want to go through the experience just to say I did it” — the next comment was NOT something I could have foreseen: “well, you better do it fast, the age limit is 28.” WHAT??????? I had NEVER heard of age limits for A.I. before!!! Why didn’t anybody tell me this before I went and turned 29 two weeks ago???
American Idol is one of those shows that I used to watch (we’re talking seasons 1 and 2), but I decided to stop. While a season was in progress, I would fantasize about being adored by Paula, Randy and Simon. I would pick a song to sing that would highlight my talents and make them go Wow. After the audition phase ended, though, the fantasy was over. If I wanted to hear people sing well, I’d buy a CD. I didn’t care much for the “look at us, we are awesome singers” part of the show. So I just stopped watching it altogether. I never discarded the possibility of auditioning, but I could never put enough importance on it to take a day off from work to stand in line for hours just to be heard for 10 seconds. Now that I can never do it, I am heartbroken.
I guess there ARE some things I’ll never get to do before I turn 30.
Living in a culturally diverse city such as Boston has its advantages. Not only do we get a variety of culturally inspiring options for meals and entertainment all around the metro area, but we enjoy certain freedoms not granted to all equally everywhere else. I’m specifically referring to the right to marriage by gay individuals.
I have had the opportunity to talk with my gay friends about marriage. I know a few who moved to Massachusetts particularly to exercise this right, or to simply have the option to do so in the future. Some others do not live in this state and are not planning on moving any time soon. One friend in particular preferred to define marriage in her own terms: love, trust, commitment. She did not need a piece of paper to define her relationship; however, she was hopeful that the time would come, and that things were moving in the right direction.
Currently, 5 states grant same-sex marriage licenses (Mass, Connecticut, Iowa, New Hampshire and Washington DC), but this license is only recognized at the state level, plus in 3 more states (New York, Maryland and Rhode Island). I finally understood what this meant after another friend told me “I can’t move to Florida: I’m not married there.” Now there’s a sentence you will never hear a heterosexual couple say. It is outrageous to think that you can be free in one state and a second-class citizen in another. The revocation of same-sex marriage in California was a disappointing blow to the gay rights movement. It’s a step in the wrong direction and it slows down progress towards the goal of equality for all. I still have no idea why anyone would go against that very simple concept, “equality,” which has made this country the “land of freedom”?
My friend expressed her opinion that most of the opposition rests in the older demographic, and younger people were in favor of equality, for the most part. I joked that all we have to do then is wait for the opposition to grow old and die off before she can get equal rights. Sadly, she somewhat agreed that it might in fact take that long. What do you think? Is equal rights an unachievable goal on our generation? If you disagree with the equality argument, why do you?
Yesterday I wrote a an article about why it is that women are not fulfilling leadership roles. From personal experience I shared that I just don’t feel like it, and wondered if THAT was the real reason the executive boards don’t represent the real world: 50% of the population are women, so why aren’t 50% of the leadership roles filled by women?
Many attribute the phenomenon to glass ceiling, labyrinth and sexism theories. The question was: Millennial women of the world, why aren’t we filling those roles? Have you been put down by men and society? Or do you just not want the job?
The response was shocking. I did not immediately get responses from working women answering that question; instead, I got comments basically saying I was undermining the sexism that women suffer through all over the world. Someone even said that my article couldn’t have been written by a woman at all. I kept wondering why people weren’t answering the right question? Why were they focusing on the sexism aspect? (which, by the way, had nothing to do with the question of whether Millennial women want the leadership role or not). The discussion got out of focus and the debate steered to the most dramatic and far-fetched assumption: this is a sexist article and the author is promoting that women want to stay at home and have babies! The horror!!! Not the case, not the point, and the debate I meant to start never actually took place. To be fair, I did get one person who contributed to the discussion saying that feminism progress is about having the CHOICE to do what we want, as opposed to being measured in % of women occupying seats in boardrooms. That was a great contribution, and I wish I had had more comments like that.
A fellow columnist is going through this same issue right now. Ramin Setoodeh wrote an article called “Straight Jacket” on Newsweek about why there aren’t more gay actors playing straight roles. His argument/opinion was that they were not believable. I personally don’t know why there aren’t more gay actors playing leading roles, but would be really interested in hearing people’s perspectives on it. What do gay actors think about that? What does the population as a whole feel when they see openly gay actors playing heterosexual romantic interests? I guess we will never know, because the media simply put a homophobic label on the article, and on Ramin himself, who is actually gay, and decided to focus on that drama instead.
People of the world: there are MANY interesting topics we could be discussing. If we continue to focus on the exaggerated notion that everyone must be racist, homophobic, sexist or not politically correct in order to bring them up, we will never get to the bottom of certain topics, such as what are the current job trends for women? What is the trend on their career choices? How do you think gay actors are fairing? Are they being pigeonholed? What do they themselves think about the roles they play? Do they think they are believable as straight love interests? I guess those questions are too hard to concentrate on while we have our fingers ready to point.
For a few years now I have been wondering where my ambition and drive went. I distinctly remember wanting to rise through the ranks, and become the youngest most successful [insert interesting role here] in the world. But now, after working for the same company for 7 years, when I look back on those ambitions I just want to lie down and take a nap. It seems exhausting to even think about it.
I had dinner with an old acquaintance recently. She and I both started at the same company out of college, and she has since moved on to bigger and better things. She is a product specialist at a pharmaceuticals company, and will be moving from Florida to the Midwest this summer to work out of the headquarters of her business. I still see that drive in her, but I can no longer relate. I just want to have a fulfilling 8-5 job, settle down, start a family, and take up an interesting hobby or two on the side. Moving halfway across the country to chase after a job is not an option I would consider now. Did I mention that I’m only in my 20’s?
There is no doubt in my mind that women can do whatever they set their mind to in this day and age. If that is the case, then why do we still see a shortage of women in leadership positions? Is it really because the sexist white boys club that is the executive demographic is putting them down? Or is it because women of our generation have simply traded a high-stress work life for a high-quality and more appealing livelihood? Who said that “accomplishing what you put your mind to” translates into a career of leadership, anyway?
According to this article by Wellesley College: Women Must Face ‘Labyrinth’ of Challenges to Achieve Leadership Positions, “only 6% of the Fortune 500’s top executives are female. Of those firms, just 2% have women CEOs.” There are obviously still women out there whose careers are very important to them and they strive on their own success and the success of companies they represent. These are amazing and strong women who appreciate the opportunities available to them and without whom we could say goodbye to the idea of ever having a female President. We need these women! Unfortunately they are a scarce resource nowadays.
Maybe the answer to why most women are not taking on leadership roles is not sexism, but more simply: they just don’t want to.
What do you think? Do you still have that drive? Do you know women who once had a professionally rich future and now are toning it down?
It’s hard coming back to blogging after so long of being out of touch. What to write? Can I just start talking as if time had not passed? Will there be a big expectation from my fans (hi mom) on my “comeback topic”? You might not believe it, but there is a lot of pressure inherent in a comeback. Now I know how Conan feels.
Something exciting did happen, though: I got rid of that piece of junk HTC Touch Pro and I got the. Blackberry Storm 2! I cannot tell you what a big difference it makes to have a phone that actually works. Even the touch screen keyboard works! (and I was never a believer before). I can BB message my family in Venezuela and I feel so in touch now! I heart my phone 🙂 Gotta love husbands who know just what will make you happy and just go and get it for you: a Tivo, a hair dryer hands-free holder, a Roomba vacuum cleaner, a laptop lapdesk for when I play Civ2 on the couch, a Slanket, a remote car starter, and now, a BB. Brian just has that gift of knowing what the perfect gift is. That’s one of his many many great qualities 🙂
On an unrelated note, I’m done with school for the semester, and get 1 week off before starting the summer session. I feel exhausted, but hopeful that I will manage to relax this week and clean up the house a little bit. My parents arrive on Thursday to join in the graduation festivities, so I need to make sure everything is pristine clean and organized.
Things at work are ok. I just emptied my inbox again and it’s time to start doing some real work. It’s been a really busy couple of weeks and I am so tired and ready for a break. Can’t wait for September to roll around: my calendar is FREE starting that month!
I just spent a great week in Wisconsin getting to know my work team. I loved staying at the Hampton Inn — I had the best night sleep EVER. All I wanted to do was sleep. On a couple of nights, I went to bed at 8pm. It was glorious. I should get light-proof shades for my room at home. I’d sleep all day and all night. Nice.
Here are a couple pix from the trip. Enjoy!
ina Miller Park – Brewers versus Pirates. Pirates won.
Bradford Beach – Lake MichiganMilwaukee Art MuseumThe best nachos I have ever had in my whole life. Get them at Trocadero in Milwaukee (ztrocadero.com)
I decided to create a new blog called Love… ina Nutshelll inspired by an article I read by John D Spooner on The Improper Bostonian last week. His article was about “writing” and how he’s frequently asked to provide feedback on aspiring writers’ work. His first request to every single one of them has been:
Today is Thursday, write 700 words on Love by Monday. It should be easy for you
… and he is yet to receive a single word in response.
I thought that was an interesting assignment, so I decided to take on Mr Spooner’s challenge, and really explore what it is that I have to say about Love.
I hope you enjoy these thoughts, whether you have found Love in your life, or are still searching for the One.
Could somebody please explain to me the appeal of bars? They seem to be the destination of choice on Friday and Saturday night (and Thursdays, too). I went to one for Alicia Keys’s 30th birthday, and I could not escape getting elbowed and stepped on twice. I don’t drink, so I got no artificial pleasure to lean on. I don’t dance, so you didn’t find me in the center of the mob pit. I hate the noise and crowd.
I have enjoyed bars from time to time. Especially if I feel like letting loose. But are you telling me regular bar-goers feel like letting loose every week? Really?
Ok, let’s just accept the possibility that I’m just too uptight for this stuff… I’m just not in the mood to change at the moment… ok?
Do I have an original thought in my head? My bald head. Maybe if I were happier, my hair wouldn’t be falling out. Life is short. I need to make the most of it. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I’m a walking cliché. I really need to go to the doctor and have my leg checked. There’s something wrong. A bump. The dentist called again. I’m way overdue. If I stop putting things off, I would be happier. All I do is sit on my fat ass. If my ass wasn’t fat I would be happier. I wouldn’t have to wear these shirts with the tails out all the time. Like that’s fooling anyone. Fat ass. I should start jogging again. Five miles a day. Really do it this time. Maybe rock climbing. I need to turn my life around. What do I need to do? I need to fall in love. I need to have a girlfriend. I need to read more, improve myself. What if I learned Russian or something? Or took up an instrument? I could speak Chinese. I’d be the screenwriter who speaks Chinese and plays the oboe. That would be cool. I should get my hair cut short. Stop trying to fool myself and everyone else into thinking I have a full head of hair. How pathetic is that? Just be real. Confident. Isn’t that what women are attracted to? Men don’t have to be attractive. But that’s not true. Especially these days. Almost as much pressure on men as there is on women these days. Why should I be made to feel I have to apologize for my existence? Maybe it’s my brain chemistry. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with me. Bad chemistry. All my problems and anxiety can be reduced to a chemical imbalance or some kind of misfiring synapses. I need to get help for that. But I’ll still be ugly though. Nothing’s gonna change that.
For my first post in an ACTUAL blog/news website, I thought I’d just get over the fear that is the hump of actually submitting something… anything! so I just wrote a cute and witty post based on something my mother always said about earthquakes: that’s just the earth “rearranging” itself. It’s cute when she says it, I hope it came out cute when I passed on her wisdom to hundreds (or tens?… or… a handful?) of readers 🙂
I do have to say that it feels strange to be “edited.” The original writing was not much different than what was actually published, but for someone like me, who regards rejection as the ultimate slap in the face, it unavoidably feels like every sentence that got changed was “rejected” somehow. I guess this will be good therapy for my writer ego. After all, I am doing this to learn how to improve my writing. Any personal growth that comes from this experience will be a nice bonus!
Oh, and as for my last name and clear picture now being out there in the open… well… I guess… I have to get over it.
Enjoy and stay tuned for more 🙂 Oh, and COMMENT the heck out of the article! (not here, silly, on the dailygetup website! It shows them that you care 🙂 )
I have decided to have a good week. A "good week" is defined as a week where I actually plan to be productive, go to bed at a decent time, and get up wicked early to do something before work. THAT, my friend, is a good week.
So far so good: I went to bed at 9:30pm, woke up before my 5am alarm, had breakfast while I watched a fast-forwarded ACMs (Taylor Swift didn’t win, but we still love her anyway), then showered and was "ready for work" at 6am. Then proceeded to spend the next hour folding laundry and watching the Celebrity Apprentice. I love that show, so sue me.
Now I’m on my way to work (7:30am), and I’ve already been up for 2.5hrs. Today I’ll catch up with work email and tasks (it’s been rolling over me lately), and go to the gym with the husband afterwards.
In all truthfulness, though, I feel like I’m suspended in time. Like my real life will not begin until I’m done with MBA classes in August. My mother said that if I’ve done this for 3 years, I should be able to handle 3 more months. Why does it feel like these months are crawling by?
Ever had those days when you know exactly what you should be doing, but all your body wants to do is stay in bed and play Civilization II? Ok, maybe you should insert whatever your body does to relax in that last part, and you got my meaning.
It is 10:25am on a Saturday, and I am still in bed. My husband woke up for long enough to grab his glasses and his laptop, and then fell asleep again (with the glasses on and the laptop on his chest). Me? I didn’t go back to sleep. There are so many things I should be doing instead. Let’s list them:
Fold 2 tons of laundry
Go to Bed Bath and Beyond to buy towels (we had to throw all our towels away after we used them to contain the flooding waters… on asbestos flooring)
Write a paper for Negotiations class
Write the journals I keep putting off for Negotiations class
Write a paper for Management Practicum class
Study for the Management Praticum final
Clean up the house (looks like a bomb exploded in here)
Get breakfast
So, what to do? what to do?
Procrastination is a funny thing. I am a rational being, and, as such, I know I will be happier if I get up and accomplish these things systematically. I will be done with them by the end of the day, and I will have a much happier Sunday; however, my fear of wasting my time is paralyzing.
If you look up “Procrastination” online, which I have done many MANY many times while at work, you will find that it’s the reaction to a certain fear: fear of success, fear of failure, etc. I diagnosed my procrastination as “fear of wasting time” back in 2005. In other words, I am afraid that doing one thing will prevent me from doing another, so I end up not doing anything.
Right now, I’m hungry enough to get out of bed and seek nourishment. I better go with that momentum and stop blogging. NOW.
One of the great things about blogging is the sense of community. It wasn’t until I started really blogging that I found out about all of these people out there who are writing about pretty much ANYTHING at any time of the day. They read and comment on one another’s posts. There are several places where you can find these interesting blogs, some of which are: 20 Something Bloggers, Blog Explosion, and simply by clicking on other bloggers’ blog rolls.
It was by the latter method that I found Katie’s blog. Katie is 25, lives in Oregon as a web developer, and writes the most “relatable” and consistent 20-something blog out there. Most recently, she wrote about not having enough confidence to really jump into more serious writing or design. I’ve felt that way too: being stuck with what you’re dealt and being too much of a chicken to do anything about it, but that’s not what this post is about. This post is about writing and having the courage to put yourself out there.
In her post she mentioned she wanted to submit her writings to a site called TheDailyGetup.com. I admit I had never heard of the site before, but after taking a good browsing, I noticed they were looking for new contributors. Instead of asking why they would want ME, a non-writer who has nothing to say but things that are in her head, I just asked “why not” and sent an email to the editor without giving it much more thought. I included links to some of my most popular posts, gave a little background, and boom, it was done. What did I have to lose?
Well, just a couple of hours later I got a message from the editor welcoming me to The Daily Get Up roster of contributors, and that he would email me over the weekend with login information to post on their site!
I am really happy right now. I love writing, and this is the kind of challenge I was looking for! I wouldn’t have been able to do it without Katie’s suggestion, of course. If you like my blog, you will LOVE Katie’s. Check it out here: Special Snowflakes and Other Myths.
Tonight my girlfriends and I were talking about girl crushes. No, not lesbian crushes. Just girl crushes.
I define a girl crush as a feeling of admiration towards another woman. The object of such admiration may be beautiful, generous, funny, driven or any other trait I wish I saw in myself.
My most recent girl crushes, going back to junior year of college, have been: Angelina Jolie, Jenna Elfman (Dharma & Greg), Jenna Fischer (The Office), and Taylor Swift.
What do I do when I have a girl crush? I find out everything there is online about them, watch every video, see every picture, read every blog or twitter entry made by them. It’s infatuation in full action.
At the time of the crush, I feel like I need to be around them and maybe their trait will rub off on me. If I ever got to meet Taylor Swift, I would want to know everything that goes through her mind. I’d want to know what makes her tick.
Girl crushes also happen in real life. Back in 2005 I saw a wonderful woman in my company who appeared to be leading a whole conference on her own. I went up to her and talked to her. I followed up and ended up working alongside her in organizing the same conference for the next 2 years. She was a true inspiration and I felt like I was a better person just for being around her.
Now, about my crush on Sarah Palin… that’s just 100% superficial 🙂 The woman is just freakin’ gorgeous.
I want to pay attention. I really do. But there is something about sitting next to a phone listening to people talk about things I don’t care about that just turns me off. I get fidgety and nervous about upcoming meetings, and just get distracted. Writing my thoughts down is usually my first form of procrastination. Hence, a whole blog just for stuff in my head 🙂
I got just a handful of hours of sleep last night. You see, I started a Civ2 game this past Saturday (that is ALL I did on Saturday), and I’ve been staying up until 12 or 1am playing. Man, I love that game.
Civilization II
The year is 1873. The Zulus and I (Inazca of the Aztecs) have launched space ships and they are scheduled to land in Alpha Centauri in 1874. I have never run into this scenario before where my spaceship arrival date is the same as another civilization’s. So I don’t know who would win! So Brian, a non-Civ player, suggested that I obliterate the Zulu civilization and see if that destroys their space ship. I had 10 years to pull this off (he suggested it back in 1863), so I switched every city from making (Capitalization) to making a fighter plane or a mechanized infantry and headed for Zulu soil, and used my 5,000 gold to buy some immediately. I do run a Democracy, but the Zulus declared war on me (without provocation), so I took the opportunity to destroy them.
My problem: There is 1 year left to go (my current turn), and, even though I think I could capture all of their continental cities, I have no hope for capturing their islandic cities. There isn’t a transporter in close enough range to transport ground units on the island, and, as you may know, air units cannot occupy enemy cities even after it has destroyed all of their defenses. So I think I am going to lose. The turn isn’t over yet, but I just can’t think of a way to make it work.
I could go back to a previously saved version of the game, but it was a LOT of work to change all of my cities to produce a military unit. It took me a good 15 minutes to do it because I must have like 100 cities. Then the air units can only move so many steps each turn (so they can’t really attack in the first turn they are available), and the ground units are not guaranteed to make it to Zulu land (even over railroads) because the Russian cities are in between, and I’m not at war with them, and it’s difficult to get around their city radius and units’ space of control.
I think this game has run its course. It was a good game. May the best space ship conquer the next galaxy.
I’m thinking of starting a new blog that will focus on my current hometown, Norwood, MA, inspired by several factors: my desire to learn more about my town, my desire to write real pieces, and my fascination with my friend Christine’s career path. Hi Christine! Yes, you’ve inspired me to "try on" journalism. It’s just so different from anything I’ve ever done that it truly fascinates me. I might be going to you for some advice on leads, how to approach subjects for interviews, etc. 🙂
The truth is that there is a repressed writer in me. When I was in 5th grade I decided I would go to college to study Literature (didn’t happen). I had been writing stories for years, and I had a very inspiring Literature teacher (who was also my home room teacher). She was tall, slender and had this 80’s Joan Jett haircut that nobody thought twice about back then. She was always nice to me when others weren’t, and it made me want to be like her. One day, a year or so later, I wrote a story and brought it to her classroom for her valuable feedback, but she wasn’t there. She was gone. I never knew where she went or why she wouldn’t say goodbye. But I still remember her fondly.
My inner-writer has been trying to come out for a few years now. I got a typewriter in 2005 because I used to think that writers only wrote in typewriters. Man, how many christmasses went by without Santa bringing me the one gift I wanted. I kept thinking of great endings to stories with no plot, but never really sat down and wrote them (my typewriter is collecting dust in my attic).
Then last year I started blogging when a story idea came to me (and I was on a 3-week break from school), so I started writing fiction. When school started back up I got busy and lost my inspiration.
Now I just use this blog to let my thoughts out. No commitment, no deadlines, no storyline to stick to. Just thoughts. It’s nice and relaxing, but not challenging in a serious-writer kind of way. I make no effort to put together organized sentences or paragraphs… or even follow grammatical laws. Yeah, my mind’s a mess 😛
Wow, that was the tangent of the century! In short: when I’m done with school in August I’ll start a new I ♥ Norwood blog 🙂 I’m so excited! Stay tuned for more!
Taylor SwiftI had a dream last night where I went backstage and hung out with Taylor Swift and her band. This is not the first time I’ve had this dream, and every single time I feel too excited and nervous to behave normally, and just end up feeling like I’m trying too hard and it gets totally awkward 🙂
I know I probably just completely confused you, so let me clear that question on your mind: No, I’m not a 15-year old girl still living at home blasting Taylor’s music and crushing over boys. I am a 28-year old home-owner who blasts Taylor’s music while her husband is in the other room with his headphones on.
My crush on Taylor started through country music. I have been listening to country stations pretty exclusively since the first time I had to commute (2002). Taylor captivated me in two ways: she was 16 when she first came out, and she wrote every single one of her songs. She stood out as a real artist in my eyes. At the moment she started to come through I had been hooked on Carrie Underwood, who was nice to listen to and challenging to sing along to, but her songs did not speak to me. All of the sudden in comes Taylor with her songs about boy crushes and she took me back to my school days. I bought her CD (which is something I normally DO NOT do) when she had only release two singles so far, and had won zero awards. I like to think of myself as the first one to discover her in a 30 mile radius (remember that I live in Massachusetts… not the most country-friendly state).
I’ve seen Taylor grow up and become a real, generous, funny and just genuine artist with the savvy and initiative to not only write her own songs, but also design and direct her own shows When you see a show or hear a song, that it ALL Taylor, not some label executive experiment, and that’s something that I respect tremendously.
Taylor just became the very first female country artist to fill up Gillette Stadium, thanks to me, in part 🙂 I’ll be there on June 5th cheering her on. I can’t wait 🙂
I just had the nicest day with my new old friend Os. This post is about old friends who come back into your life after a period of separation and spark brand new friendships the most wonderful and unexpected way.
This may have happened to you at one point or another, but it happens to me often enough to merit writing an entry about it. My first roommate in college and I rekindled our sister-like friendship after 6 years or not being in touch at all. A friend from Germany, whom I met in a high-school prep course 12 years ago, visited Boston and looked me up to hook back up. And now, Os, a friend from my Venezuelan high school, is in town (and moving to Boston in August!) and looked me up to hang out.
These situations do not just happen randomly; they require several factors to be present. For instance:
Identification of an opportunity to reconnect: somebody has to have a reason to make first contact. They may be in the neighborhood, or they need your help, etc.
Having left things on a good note: not having a wall of bitterness to get through always helps
Someone’s initiative: one of you has to make first contact, put yourself on the line ready for rejection, and take whatever comes. This is hard to do!
A certain outgoingness from party A: if the someone who identified the opportunity is shy or introverted, it might be easier for them to not make contact at all. This is why the right personality is crucial.
A certain outgoingness from party B: if the person being reached out to is shy or an introvert, they may be embarrassed by not having kept in touch for so long, or they may be too nervous to revive old feelings, or they just don’t want to outwardly reject anyone, and therefore might not respond at all. So, the outgoing personality trait must go both ways.
I’d like to think that I have done my part by always trying to say Yes when I’m sought after, and to actively seek people out if the opportunity presents itself. It has been rewarding every single time and I encourage anyone out there to reach out or say Yes.
It’s just a great feeling to make new friends… even if you were friends already 🙂
I chained myself to my office today after work to buckle down and write the paper(s). The first part took me 30min, the second part 2 hours, and the last part 1.5 hours. It is 10:30pm and I’m getting on the train home. I did it!
My reward: go to Friendly’s for a late dinner… and maybe some chocolate cake?…………… Shut up! I deserve this!
Have I mentioned ENOUGH already that I can’t wait to be done with school?
We have a paper due next week, and I TOTALLY don’t want to do it. I also have to study for the final, which is the first week of May, and I admit to skipping a lot of readings throughout the semester.
I talked to my sister, Monica Geller, who is a school teacher, and she said it is outrageous that I have no way of knowing how I’m doing on the course because there has been no grade whatsoever. I’ll basically find how how I did on each grading criteria when I get my final grade online when the course is done. She thinks this is not fair, and I should go talk to her to see how I am doing. I think she’s right. I’ll be there for her office hours on Tuesday.
I hate this class with a passion. I want it to be over, and I need to get a B or higher in order to pass. I don’t want to have to take it again!!!
As I was walking out of my house to the train this morning, I was surprised to see a beautiful flower growing at the edge of my front yard. I took it as a love letter from my house to her new owners, saying that things might be tough right now, but they are going to be OK.
I was talking to Enrique Montoya recently, and I made a confession which I’m still utterly embarrassed to admit out loud. I told him that my 29th birthday is coming up (that’s not the confession), and that I did not want to organize a party with friends (that’s not it either). This is it: the reason was that I did not think I could handle receiving 43 rejections all at once for my own birthday.
I have a long and sad history with rejection, going back to my childhood years. Fear of rejection is just one of those traumas that lingered. I do try to be aware of it so it doesn’t control my feelings in every situation in my life, but there are times when I find myself actively expecting my friends to decline my invitations to hang out because I’m just not cool enough.
This is a sad and dysfunctional part of my psyche, and it’s the raw nerve of my insecurities. For some people it may be their weight, other physical appearance, romantic life, or even professional inadequacies, but for me it’s the simple act of hearing “No” that sets me off.
As a disclaimer to my friends out there, it’s OK to say No. It’s unavoidable a lot of the time I am a thinking adult, and I understand that. Period.
So anyways, Enrique suggested an innovative approach that made me laugh. It’s called a Friends Refresh party 🙂 As its name suggests, it’s a party where you weed out the not-worthwhile relationships in your life. This is what the invitation would read, more or less:
You are cordially invited to ina’s 29th birthday party!
Please follow these guidelines to RSVP:
1) If you are able to attend, please send back a message with a lot of exclamation points and smiley faces with your RSVP
2) If you are not sure if you can make it, do not reply until you are sure one way or the other, up to 4 days before the event. If it is a Yes, please follow the instructions on step 1, else, move on to point 3
3) If you are unable to attend, please wait until 4 days before the event and check your calendar again. If the answer is Yes, please follow the instructions on step 1, else, move on to point 4
4) If you are POSITIVE you will not be able to attend, then screw you and never call me again.
I know as well as you that my issues are inside my head, but it was fun to put the blame on others for even a few minutes and have a laugh about the whole thing 🙂 Good times.
Whatever happened to "there are no stupid questions"?
Last night in class we were talking about the general performance of companies depending on their business strategy. Considering that each strategy being discussed was vastly different from one another, and the companies being analyzed could be of varying types and sizes, I thought to myself "they can’t be measuring performance based on profits.. they must be measuring based on some relative ratio for it to be a fair comparison," so I raised my hand and asked the teacher to define "performance" and whether it was by profit margin. She made a face like I had just asked her what class was I sitting in. She answered "profitability" which still didn’t answer my question, and made me feel like I was the dumbest person in the room.
To add insult to injury, she has the audacity to email me today a 5-paragraph email asking me what was the "source" of my question, because it was clear throughout the semester and all the readings that performance is measured by profits.
So I guess there are stupid questions after all.
I replied explaining to her that it was not fair to measure such vastly different companies and strategies based on an absolute value of revenue minus costs, and it made more sense to measure in relative terms.
I am still waiting for her answer to my original question.
I could write a whole list of things that could finish that sentence. The biggest one is "I’ll be happy when I’m done with school" (11 weeks of class left, but who’s counting?)
You probably know what I’m going to say already: we should live in the present, we should appreciate our life for what it is NOW and stop waiting for something else to happen. Sigh, I just wish I could take my own advice.
My life is currently in auto-pilot. I go to work, I go to school, I procrastinate from doing homework, attempt to cook, attempt to go to the gym, but ultimately I am exhausted all the time, and I’m waiting for something to change, such as, for my MBA to be done with.
Eh, screw ideal attitudes. I’ll be happy when I finish school FOREVER!
I’m having a stupid day. Had to stay home from work to get quotes for Asbestos removal in our basement. The problem is that I am not cut out for working from home. I get bored and distracted easily, and end up eating a billion cupcakes.
Stupid cupcakes. They lure me in with their deliciousness. I hate you cupcakes.
Disclaimer: I wrote this entry as a way to pour my heart out to cyberspace. It may sound naive at times, and it may ignore the fact that religion as well as politics have a constant power struggle that is bigger than all of us down here. But I still wanted to say that religion is something pure to me, and so so personal and beautiful.
With the Catholic Church under the microscope recently, I feel the need to put my thoughts out into the world. I have so many things to say, I guess I’ll just tackle them point by point.
First, let’s talk about the scandal and get it out of the way:
Child molestation charges
What those priests have done is despicable. It’s not only a crime, but it has destroyed those kids lives forever. I can’t even imagine the horror they and their families must be going through. This topic angers every person out there, Catholic and non, and it’s a BIG freaking deal.
Pope resignation requests
Should the Pope resign over this? I have heard two stories that are not necessarily mutually exclusive: that the Pope did not respond to requests for action from US church authorities to do something about the problem a couple decades ago, and that the Pope was one of the leaders in establishing a more stringent and vigilent community from the inside, without resorting to the media to publicize what was going on (which is now criticized). I don’t know the details of any of these stories. I can only have faith that his apology was heartfelt, that he recognizes this is a problem, and that he will give it priority in our lifetime for resolution. I don’t think that a resignation would help the situation, but strong action on the Pope’s part would.
Priest celibacy vow in question
The most ridiculous thing I have ever heard a friend of mine say is “They should let priests marry, so they don’t have to relieve their urges on children.” I cannot tell you what an ignorant and off-base comment that is. If any human being has difficulty sticking to a celibacy lifestyle, they will find a way to cheat (wouldn’t be the first or the last time), but they do NOT all of the sudden turn into child molestors for “lack of women” in their lives. That is just incredibly ridiculous. To prove the point, I’ll ask the question out there: men who have difficulty getting girls and think they will probably never find a loving woman, are you now looking into children because they are easier targets? The answer is a resounding NO. IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY. Pedophiles are sick individuals who are into children from the start. It was NOT a choice rooted in lack of options. These people are truly SICK. Allowing priests to marry should not be a solution to the child molestation problem. It might be a modernization alternative to look into, but do not be fooled by thinking this makes any strides into solving the child molestation issue. In fact, I’d venture to say that the priesthood has been a safe haven for child molestors and therefore it attracts pedophiles into it. It is probably the most pedophile-friendly profession out there. It’s very sad, but it’s a definite possibility. Something has got to be done to bring sanctity back into the priesthood and shoo away molestors.
Now, let’s talk about the religion itself
Sorry if some of these thoughts sound a bit unrelated an detached from one another… I just have a lot of things in my head that want to come out:
The Catholic religion is under fire. This won’t be the first or the last time, and it is by no means the ONLY religion that gets criticized.
The first thing critics will do is say “the [whatever] religion must change their stance on…” – here’s where I say Not So Fast. Changing a religion to accomodate the times or the latest scandal is a mistake.
It is no secret that every Catholic has their own interpretation of the religion, and their own way to live out in their day to day. Many are on birth control, many have pre-marital sex, many have extra-marital relations, many support abortion, many never go to church, or do other similar things that are considered against-Catholic beliefs. Some of the church’s core beliefs may not seem to tie with pop culture, but people will continue to live out their lives the best way their conscience allows them to. That’s the beauty of our community: nobody is “holier than thou,” and everybody assumes everyone else is sinning. In Catholicism, we are all sinners by default, and you will not find a clique in a church that kicks out other Catholics for sinning (how hypocritical would that be?). Sure, there are certain exceptions (like not allowing a certain senator to take communion because he supported abortion — how ridiculous was that?), but for the most part it’s a pretty accepting religion. In churches I have been a member of, there have been support groups (internal communities) for gay individuals and for divorcees. The church “laws” may be against certain actions, but, as a community, the concensus is acceptance and avoid judgment. Again, there may be stupid exceptions out there, but this has been my experience and it’s what I love about my religion in particular.
Like I said, we are all different and live our Catholicism in different ways. We are all not cut from the same stone, and being Catholic does not mean believing in every single thing the Church puts out there. The key point to remember here is that Catholicism is a religion with a set of beliefs, just like all the others. Trying to change the core beliefs of a religion to fit the times is like trying to get someone to change their sexual orientation: it is simply not even something someone would have a choice over. Beliefs are exactly that: things you BELIEVE. Nobody can tell you you can’t believe on something anymore. So, for people to come and say “Catholics have gone too far and must change whatever” is as outrageous as expecting Jewish people to start believing in Jesus. Demanding a change in beliefs is just not a solution.
At the same time, there is a difference between changing beliefs and evolving.
I do call myself Catholic, and, although I do have some disagreements with my church around certain issues, I do firmly believe in the items written in our “Creed.” Everything else has been added and interpreted from the Bible at some point or another, and some things are just no longer current, and (in my opinion) should be revised; not because they are hot topics, or because there is a scandal around them and we are in fire-fighting mode, but because we Catholics have a single defining trait, and that is LOVE. Anything that goes against this one important trait, must be revised (in my opinion). Just because the core beliefs stay the same (such as what’s written in the creed), does not mean that the church is not allowed to evolve in other aspects. To illustrate, it’s the difference between believing Jesus was born of Virgin Mary (faithful belief), and condemning the thought that the world is round (sign of the times).
If you really want to understand what the Catholic religion is about (FOR ME), think of it as a permanent focus on what would Jesus tell us to do? He’d tell us to not turn others away, to not reject others, to not judge others. I am not perfect, and I don’t follow these teachings to the letter: I’m a sinner, and I will be one every day of my life, and that is ok, because we learn from our mistakes and sinning keeps our conscience actively teaching us what is right from wrong. In any case, those are the messages Jesus left us. Jesus never said “gays are an abomination,” or “priests should be celibate.” Those were not things Jesus ever made a statement about. Jesus focused on loving others just as you love yourself. And that is what Catholicism means to me. Everything else is secondary.
These are my thoughts on my religion. I find it sad that critics delight themselves in throwing the first stone. Do they deserve to be put on a pedestal? I don’t think so. But I guess this is part of that power struggle I mentioned earlier.
In conclusion, child molestation is wrong and something has got to be done about this. The church should work in tandum with local authorities in this matter, without turning it into a witch hunt (which would be a slippery slope) with the purpose of saving the sanctity of priesthood and restoring the faith of the community in its religious leaders.
We all need a little bit of faith, and just remember why we love our religion in the first place: God’s love for us, our love for others, unconditional compassion, and forgiveness. That is all you need to know.
I am feeling a tiny bit better today. Brian and I went to the gym last night, and I met my goal: 15 minutes straight of jogging!!! (3 incline, 4.5 MPH) To give you a reference point, I used to run out of air at 2 minutes, before I joined the gym. Next goal: 20 minutes! I do need something to listen to, though. I’ve found that I don’t reach my full potential because I get bored and feel the need to change it up by stopping/slowing down. Need to find funny podcasts or something…
Today I have meetings all morning starting at 8:30am, then have an "event" at the cafeteria where I’ll be manning a table for my association. Then a little break, and a couple more meetings before having to leave early to make it to school at 6pm.
Oops, that reminds me that I haven’t been doing my homework for this class. Drat. I should get on that.
Alright, here’s to a better day for all. Good luck everyone.
… because hell just froze over. You will never guess where I am or what I’m doing. Ok, I’ll tell you: I am at the gym waiting for Brian to come out of the treadmills.
He finished his guided training session at 7:50pm. I went looking for him at around 8. I found him on a treadmill and he had been walking for almost 7 minutes. So I quietly left the room and decided to catch up on some blog reading out in the lobby
The sad part is that he’s probably just waiting for me to come looking for him, but I cannot in good conscience interrupt the only exercise he’s gotten since we stopped doing yoga together over a year ago. I figure the only outcome is that he’ll get tired and come out looking for me.
(he just came out – 30 min later!) I like him so much 🙂 He hates me right now, though 😛
This entry was all-day in the making from the train in to the train out:
I don’t want to be at work today
I’m really thinking of going to work at Steve’s company
I wish one person in particular wanted to be my friend as much as I want to be hers
Apparently we could get Radon issues after the sump pump gets installed
Tina Fey does not like the "wet" look of my hair when I put products in, and my husband thinks my hair smells like Cheerios. I should try different products.
We’re going to the gym today for the first time
I’m afraid of failure
I’m afraid of wasting my time
I saw New Moon this weekend. Nothing compares to the emotional attachment that the books give you.
I’m looking forward to another Florida weekend with girls in June
I found out that my gift certificate to the Lime Light is good for 2 years
I’m hungry
I can’t wait to be done with school. Just 4 more months.
I love my husband
I don’t like the cement smell in my basement
I like the nice weather we’re having this week
My stupid phone (3rd of its kind I’ve had) burnt out its little CAPS and FN lights, so now I can’t tell when I got CAPS on
I enjoyed talking to Brian’s grandmother last night about the names of her ancestors. Maybe one day I’ll draw out our family tree.
I love the song "Affirmation" by Savage Garden
I hate it when I wax under my arms and end up wearing a long sleeve shirt. What a waste.
I like the location of my workplace. Copley rocks.
I think Duck Tours are funny
I think it SUCKS that Jesse James cheated on Sandra Bullock.
I had too much chocolate this Easter weekend
My English muffins are Buy-One-Get-One-Free! Bonus!
This post is keeping me sane and helping me take it one step a a time
I love the sun. I can’t wait till it’s warm enough to have lunch at the Christian Science Plaza by the fountain
I miss my niece and nephew (Monica Geller’s kids)
I hate phonies
I hate the smell of coffee
I miss my parents (who now live in Texas)
Can I cancel all my meetings for today and just stare at the wall all day? Maybe it would be easier to take a mental sickness day
I need to wash my hands… often
Dang it! I forgot to bring my food from home today!
I hate people who say "No" when they don’t understand, rather than asking more questions to reach a solution.
I hate people who don’t care enough, and in the process end up screwing others over
Wishing I could take a nap right about now
I’m a little bored.
When I’m done with school I’m going to sign up for Ancestry.com and figure out my husband’s family tree!
When I’m done with school I’d like to think that I’ll sign up for lessons to learn an instrument… but I probably won’t
I think I do like my job I wish I was a little more motivated to do it today.
I have this fear of running into old boyfriends whenever I am outside in the city.
Angie is back from her trip! Can’t wait to hear all about it!
Christine got a perm! The madness is spreading
I love my curls
I thought I missed my stop for a split second
I didn’t
Now off to the gym with my love. I didn’t hear from him all day. I hope he’s doing alright.
Have you ever wondered what your calling in life is? I have. I can’t say I have found it yet, but I can share with you those moments when I get a definite clue 🙂 Like today, for example:
I managed to speed up the decision process of setting the direction in a project by at least a week or two, simply by picking up the phone and talking one-on-one with the decision makers about what felt the best approach was. I got everybody’s perspectives, and then let them all know what the others were thinking, so they are now all magically on the same page, and all we need is a meeting to consolidate our thoughts.
This was one of the highlights of my week. It just showed me what a long way I can go by building alliances rather than animosity with my coworkers. Not that they all hate me, but I don’t seem to do much about it when they do, other than hating them right back.
Anyways, I’m just good at getting things done. That’s just what I do.
The people from Basement Technologies (aka Busy Dog) stood us up for the pump installation again yesterday. This time they had even called on Monday to CONFIRM the appointment, and they still didn’t show.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. There is no "Fool me thrice" version of that verse and I don’t want to find out what it is, so we have decided to take our business elsewhere. Now we get to fight with them to get our 30% deposit back.
It all worked out for the best, though. After all, we were acting out of immediate desperation and they were going to charge us an arm and a leg for the pump installation job, plus filling in some cracks. So we will pass on them, and actually shop around and get more quotes. I’m sure we can do at least 30% better than the original price.
Epilogue (9/2/2010): I didn’t trust the sales guy farther than I could throw him anyway. He kept saying my asbestos tile would not be a problem, when in fact I knew that the jackhammers would release asbestos particles to the air, which are toxic. Also, their technology is a GIMMICK: their pipe is SQUARE shaped, which they say works better than others, but really, the corners of the pipe accumulate dirt, which is why they make you get a $200 maintenance every year (if you miss one maintenance year, your warranty is voided). They were by far the worst company we could have gone with.
You know what, though? Considering that we got the worst possible case scenario of rains now, and it only amounted to a couple of sleepless nights and some days off work, we consider ourselves lucky. There are people who had water up to their windows and others who had to evacuate. We really got off easy.
There is no questioning what a rough week it’s been, but you gotta hold on and know that "it’s the storm, not you, that’s bound to blow away" (from The Secret Garden, the musical)
It’s a beautiful day today, and I am so glad I got out of the house to witness it. Much to my pleasure, as I was walking out of the house, my neighbor was pulling out of his driveway and offered me a ride too the train station. I love nice neighbors 🙂
By the subject of this post you must be expecting that my salary negotiation turned out to be a disapointing discussion. And you would be right.
I went in there (or I called into it by phone) all armed with my best arguments: I want equality of pay, and I have the performance history to be on the higher end of my range. My boss reassured me from the start that he totally understood my situation, and I had approached it the right way. Now, he wanted to set the expectation that this kind of raise was simply not gonna happen. The best he could do is be my advocate and follow due process. The increase would happen in phases. First, I’d get a merit raise for my last job (a whole 0.3% higher than the standard raise, due to my great performance last year — woopty-freakin-doo). Second, he’d try to get me a similar raise for the switch in positions. Lastly, if there is any money left in the budget later in the year, we might be able to seek further adjustments. If that last action wasn’t possible, we’d discuss it again in the next raise cycle next year.
So, I thanked him for eveything and further explained that I was getting to the point where I won’t be able to afford working at this company. He said that if I found a position outside the company that was better, sometimes it was better to take it. Yup, I know where I fall on the food chain.
In other words, I will not be getting the raise I need. I’ll probably just end up with an 8% bump by the end of the year, and that will be the end of it. That is still about 15K less than the going rate for my position in Boston.
My husband said I could go work at his company in the implementations team (customer-facing). I know I’d make a lot more money there, and I’d be a shoe-in. Maybe it’s time to really weigh my options.
So, if the irresponsible good-for-nothing dudes from Basement Technologies had actually showed up to their appointment last Wednesday, we would have been able to handle this new storm just fine!
Mmmm on second thought, we probably would have been even more upset at their mishandling of the asbestos tile. Or maybe we would have just died of cancer due to the asbestos dust instead. So maybe it was a good thing that it was delayed so we could take care of the tile.
Brian spent literally all day taking care of the water problem to keep the water level in check. The poor thing must be starving and exhausted.
I took the 4pm train home. Should be there soon. I’m going to call him to see if he would like me to get him some food first.
A couple of weeks ago I decided to start cooking again.
I think it came to me when I found myself at home completely bored while Brian was out in Florida.
Last night I made a pork tenderloin that was so amazing even Brian cleaned his plate! http://tinyurl.com/yzbsvzs He actually said that he liked me a little more now. Always a nice bonus 🙂
Next I’m going to make pork fried rice, wonton soup and/or pork sloppy Joes. I have the ingredients for all of them. I guess it will depend on which recipe has the most perishable items. I’ll have to pick one recipe to make next week instead.
As some of you may know, my former manager left an opening for a salary negotiation as I was leaving the team. All previous managers shut me down, but, since I was moving on any way, this manager had nothing to lose. Thank goodness for that!
So I have been doing my homework. No, I mean, LITERALLY: I have been taking a Negotiations class this semester, and boy am I glad about that! I have been literally preparing for this negotiation all semester long! And now, the time has come to see what I’m truly made of.
Before actually having the meeting, which I scheduled for tomorrow, I was advised to put my request and merits in writing; so I did that today. Got it checked by my good friend Enrique Montoya, and sent it off. Probably the scariest moment ever of my professional life.
I’ll let you know how the conversation goes. Here are a couple of things that I need to make sure to anchor and drive home:
I am only asking for EQUALITY in pay with others in the same band, performance rating, years of service and LOCATION as me.
I freakin’ deserve it (in other words, list out my accomplishments for the past 7 years).
If I manage to successfully anchor the discussion on these two points, I’ll be half way there. The other half is not up to me. It’s up to the company and their willingness to reward top talent.
This has been one of the most painstaking ordeals of my professional life. I have been a nervous wreck ever since I set up the meeting last Thursday. My heart beats out of my chest just thinking about it. Maybe this is one of the reasons why women make less than men: we stress out and simply don’t ask for raises. That’s messed up, isn’t it?
I’ll give you more details when it ends, so maybe you can learn from my errors. But one thing is for sure: the worst that could happen is that they will say No.
What do you do when you don’t have enough time in the day to do everything you need to do? For instance: prepare for a super important salary negotiation (happening tomorrow); cook the perishable food I bought before it, well, perishes; go to the gym to sign up your significant other before he changes his mind; and work on research for a school team meeting tomorrow.
And you’ll be getting home at 7:30pm. AND you are booked solid with meetings all day tomorrow.
Is it bad to be so tired on Monday at 7:30am? That’s not a good start to the week, is it?
It was a tough night for the both of us. I woke up twice, and saw my husband at his computer in his study sometime around 2:30am. I just remember asking him what the hell he was doing up (he had gone to bed with me at 11pm!), and going right back into bed.
Last night we got down and dirty in our basement to remove the asbestos tile. It was either doing it ourselves, or having the sump pump installers come in with their jack hammers on Thursday and tear up the floor while releasing the toxic agent to our air. Neither seemed appealing or even safe, but we thought the risk of dying of asbestos inhalation would be less if we took care of the problem ourselves following the advised precautions. We think it went pretty well, although we don’t know what to do about the dust that remained on the ground. I might go in there and vaccuum it up today, but I need to check some websites first.
I guess this is what we get for boasting for 6 months that we got such a great deal on the house. Sigh.
And, to top it all off, it’s raining again today, and it won’t stop until Wednesday. Wish us luck.
I am pretty sure I have written about my control freakiness before, so this should come as no surprise to anyone: I am a control freak.
I was watching Modern Family this week, and I totally identified with the mother character who ends up making cupcakes for her daughter because she has no faith in her ability to get anything done right; an awful trait which the daughter exploits to its full potential. I told my husband "that’s going to be me." Isn’t that awful?
The problem is that when I decide not to butt into people’s tasks, they seem to always let me down. At work, when the national leader of the affinity groups sent a message to our communications leader asking him to use the new branding banner for the organization (message in which I was CC’d), I fought the urge to forward that same email to the communications leader AGAIN immediately and just ask him to make sure it happens. Heck, the email was directed at him, and he MUST be responsible enough to comply, right? Wrong. He ended up sending out the exact same (old) banner in the following communication. And who got the reiterative email from the national leader? That’s right: moi.
Or it’s like today. I told my husband 3 times that the Basement Technologies guy was coming over at 4 and we should both be home for that. I told him while he slept, which was not fair, so I left him a written note, and then I called him and even told him to not even think of going to get a hair cut at 3:45, like I think he totally would. He thought it was funny. Well, I got home at 4 o’clock after having lunch with Tina Fey, and his car wasn’t there. So I called him and he said he was at Home Depot returning something, and next he’d be going to Walmart. I asked him if he remembered that he had to be home at 4pm, and he said he’d forgotten and would be on his way.
How am I supposed to stop being a control freak if other people just keep proving me right when I have no faith?
I decided to take the Math MTEL on July 10th instead of May. I am way too busy right now.
Also, I had a dream that I quit my job, in which I might get a big raise soon, and went to work as a counselor at a school, and I woke up freaked out and wanting to get my job back. That’s gotta say something, right?
The pump installers, Basement Technologies, called me at 6pm tonight to tell me they overbooked themselves and will not be coming to their appointment tomorrow.
