I just had the strangest human encounter I have had in a very long time. I talked to someone for the first time, and after only 1 hour of conversation, I was crying and we felt close enough to hug each other goodbye. Here’s how it happened:
I came into work because the Big Kahuna (B.K.) is in town (see previous post). As every big kahuna does, he brought with him an entourage of advisers (a handful of direct reports). One of them is a man I have talked to on the phone once or twice before, and never have had any beef with. We shook hands when I took that trip to the mother ship in December, but did not talk at all… until tonight, at the B.K.’s happy hour reception across the street from the office. We shall call this man Mr. Wow, for his uncanny ability to make people open up around him.
I can’t say I was looking forward to this evening. I hate having to pretend to have a good time, so unless I really am, I look totally neutral and shy. Granted, it doesn’t take much to perk my interest, but it makes it harder for people to approach me when I’m not talking or inviting them in. I just hate cordial talk.
The evening started with just us local peons sitting around a table, waiting for the convoy to arrive. Sigh, great: awkward conversation with people I have zero interest in. A few moments later the B.K. came in, and settled to chit chat by me. We exchanged a few laughs and stories of how I “trained” my husband to say “No” to me more often the first year we were together. More than a few times I felt like he was shushing me when I brought up things like why they won’t let a common acquaintance retire, or what really happened with that acquisition that fell through. I started to get the feeling I was pressing all the wrong buttons. Then he left for another group and I talked to two others about nothing. Then the B.K. approached me again, and we chatted some more. At one point he turned away to chat with someone else and I realized I was suddenly left standing alone next to Mr. Wow.
I sparked up conversation about how his holidays went. He was very receptive and sharing. He didn’t wait for me to start conversation, he held his own in filling the air with his own thoughts and stories. After 30 min we had talked about a lot of trivial things like the emotional roller coaster ride that is the movie “Up”, about Pixar’s amazing short films, about our own families and growing up with parents whom we now are proud to call friends, about taking trips to Disney World, traveling with children, his own two kids (who are much too old to really be his), and very emotional topics of growing up as a middle child. It was so easy to talk to him. Again, it doesn’t take much to get me to share my innermost secrets, but he had managed to get me to share that I didn’t have many friends growing up in a matter of minutes.
I thought I was boring him after a half hour of chit chat, and gave him an exit “wow, we’ve been standing here for a half hour” I said while I leaned towards the table to grab another nacho. He just said “that’s what this is all about, right?” and we went onto talk about how it would be nice to visit the mother ship again, but with no real purpose, just to hang out. The problem, I said, was that I can’t miss more than 2 weeks of school (I’m already going there for training for a week and I’m going to my home country in Feb). He asked more about the MBA, and I told him of my dreams of opening a coffee shop, or maybe helping people out with their finances as a service. I told him that I love helping my friends with their financial planning, and how I spent hours in front of my friend’s spreadsheet (while driving her crazy) before realizing that it was midnight. And then he asked me if I had ever thought of working in finance at my company. — — wah? — — Somehow, someway, my world stopped making sense at that moment, and in an inexplicable collision of emotions, tears began to fall from my eyes. He politely escorted me out of the room for a “walk.”
Finance? That word is, to me, the scariest word in the English language. Yes, I help my friends with their finances, but that does not make me a finance person. I am an IT person. But Mr. Wow said that if I understood the principles, I had studied them in my MBA, and I enjoyed spending hours in front of a spreadsheet, that’s pretty much all it takes. Could I really be a finance person? Why was I crying about this? In that moment I felt as if my attitude towards my job could actually be reversed. Could I really find a place here for me? A place I love?
Mr. Wow told me that I might not know this, but people at the mother ship were very impressed with my skills and talents, and they talked about me; yet, nobody really knew what I wanted out of my career or where I wanted to be. I wasn’t surprised: ever since I walked through that door I have gone wherever the next open position is, but it has never been my first choice. I realized what I was saying sounded wimpy: to openly admit that I have never raised my hand for a position I wanted; however, there has never been such a position because I do not feel like I belong here at all. I decided to confide in him and basically told him that I went to school to become a programmer, and that dream never came true. I came to work here because there was simply nothing else available, and for the past 6 years I have felt adrift. I don’t belong here, I don’t have a place here, therefore there is no need or reason for me to try to find a spot. I did not want to get comfortable, I wanted to get out.
Mr. Wow seemed to completely understand my feelings, and never once argued with them. At the same time he asked me to really think about it. Was I passionate about finances and forecasting? Was that something I was interested in pursuing? All I had to do was raise my hand. Was I really interested in this next role they are lining up for me? Or was it just the ‘right thing to do’? At one point he said that my conformity was just me behaving like the ‘middle child’ again. I appreciated the reference to our previous conversation, and made a very important connection: even after having left my parents’ house, I was still doing whatever I thought people expected of me.
After a half hour of discussing my innermost fears about changing my whole mentality about my job, I realized it was time to go catch my train. The conversation had wound down as he was telling me how he ended up in his role, and how he did feel like quitting so many times before when he worked at other companies. He said that things will be good, then they’ll be bad, then they’ll work out, then they won’t. He said that IT leadership was not for everybody, but that I should really give something I enjoy doing a shot, and see how it goes. So just think about it.
We went back to the room. Most people had already left. I shook the remaining people’s hands, and gave Mr. Wow a handshake and a hug. I thanked him very much for his insights, and told him I would think about it.
How can a complete stranger turn my world upside down in just one hour? Do you realize that I could have either (1) not attended the happy hour at all, or (2) left to take the earlier train, or (3) ended the conversation with him at the half-hour mark, and none of this would have happened?
Finance… spreadsheets… planning… budgeting… my heart jumps for joy at these concepts. Could that really be my next move?
ina
